sigh

Here I thought this week, working from home, might be the perfect week to catch up and relax. To put down the thousands of words I’ve intended to over the past week, which have been sadly robbed of time to do so by tragedy.

Instead, I’ve got a sick cat and a broken car, I’ve got to be back in the office on Wednesday, and I’m in, out and everywhere, and not in the fun way that leaves you a little fuck drunk.

Persevere, we must.

new plan

I’ve put far too much on myself. Between work, family and my own aspirations of writerdom, I’ve put way too much on.

With the sage of my wife’s mother coming to a close, that’s one huge thing that while I’m sure is not entirely finished, is at least no longer a daily struggle that co-opts hours out of all our days. Rest in peace, Judy. You were loved and we are glad you aren’t suffering anymore.

The bad news is we’ve lost someone we loved. The relief is that there’s no more suffering, and we can return to our lives, for now.

I am intentionally scaling back because I’ve been away from the world for too long. The comfort of friends and family was something else, and reminded me of the beauty that can be found in connection.

I need to get out of my head. Less work, less writing, less pressure.

If it happens, great. Whether it’s four minutes or five-plus hours, we’ll get there.

baby day

Unfortunate circumstances, but that cherubic little granddaughter is coming back today. We bought her a princess tent and one of those piano mats you can dance on, like in Big, but smaller.

Christ, this kid. So goddamn cute.

timing is everything

Two people in my office came down with COVID last night.

At least one of them knew they were in close contact with someone who had symptoms last Sunday. My mother-in-law’s funeral is this weekend, so at this point, I’m just praying that someone else’s negligence doesn’t fuck everything up for us.

Man, I’m tired of other people’s lack of consideration for others. I know these days it’s all about kindness, but man, fuck other people’s stupidity. Kindness is a necessity, but so is accountability. Holding the line against those who would consume everyone and everything for their own willful blindness is a must.

staying focused

It ain’t easy. Working my way through this first draft, I’m falling farther and farther behind.

Editing is going to be time consuming to make up for it.

I wish I could say it wasn’t my fault, that all the stuff with my wife’s parents has taken my time (and it has, partially). But a lot of it is just excuses. Fear of getting started. FOGS.

New acronym alert.

But as the book said, start. Start, start, start. Start doing, and you’ll be okay.

I’ll be okay.

Kindness to the self. The gift that keeps on giving, even as I consider myself wholly worthless, untalented and destined to fail.

It doesn’t matter, as long as I try.

august already

Man, the clock moves fast these days. I long for the days of sitting in a classroom, feeling the heat through the window and knowing that in only two weeks, which felt like FOREVER, summer would start.

Or Christmas break. Or just the weekend.

Now, it’s run, run, run, morning to night. Would that I could fall into a Jeff Bridges category, Dudeing my way through life, sitting in a lawn chair on top of a cliff enjoying the view, as all the lemmings leapt their way to oblivion.

cemetery day

It’s not the funeral yet, but we’re going for a drive out to the cemetery to see where it’s all at. I’ve never been particularly enamoured with cemetery, or particularly disenchanted.

The people aren’t there. Their molecules are spreading out and mixing with ours, imbuing us with little pieces of their essence – whatever wasn’t already there through our time with them and the memories we have.

Death is a shame, but a necessary one. Unchecked growth can choke even the heartiest and most resilient of landscapes.

Ask every company grown too far, too fast. Ask every empire. Ask anyone who thought they had it all and it still wasn’t enough.

A little entropy and the acceptance of some personal limitations can go a long way.