The anger is going.
It is not gone, but the only way to truly forgive oneself is to let go.
Let go and take action.
That’s all one can do.
One cannot be free until one lets go of guilt, and then moves to make amends.
Or at the very least, not to repeat the mistake.
Target: 1600 words
Written: 1594 words, novel: Father Lightning
Read: Enchanter's End Game, David Eddings
Comics: The Pact 1-2, Noble Causes 10, Invincible 0
Music: For Tomorrow, BlurNot just in the world, but in me.
I’m angry at the world’s situation.
I’m angry at myself, for wasting so much time.
I’m angry at myself, for not being a better man.
I’m angry at circumstances beyond my control.
I’m angry at being blamed for things I didn’t even do, and never would.
I’m angry at greed.
I’m angry at corruption.
I’m angry at myself for allowing depression to dictate the terms of my life.
I’m angry at other people, for constantly invading my time and space.
I’m angry, because I’m not nice enough, and because I cannot be less nice.
I’m angry at my own frustation.
I’m angry, again, at my inability to change any of this.
I’m angry at my inertia.
Target: 1600 words
Written: 1818 words, novel: Father Lightning
Read: Definitely Dead, Charlaine Harris
Comics: Noble Causes 8-9, Invincible 21-22
Music: For Those About To Rock, AC/DCLook, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the best way to live, but in my experience, the folks who are loudest about how you should live, are often the weakest in actually following through with that.
Those who are living the way they want generally don’t crow about it; they offer humble notes that they put out there and if someone takes inspiration from it, great. If not, well, that has little bearing on how the first person’s life continues to go.
They’ve figured it out. Those saying, “behave this way!” are often not behaving that way.
(See Tolle, Eckhart, Robbins, Tony and Trump, Donald)
So when I post be kind eighteen times, it’s a much a reminder to myself as it is anything. I don’t feel like I’m being very kind these days.
I’m very empathetic. Of that, there’s no doubt. I feel the weight of the world and everyone else’s emotional state keenly.
The problem is that I don’t act on it. I don’t offer to listen, or demonstrate compassion, or help out in any way.
I sit back. I evaluate. I judge. I know what I should be doing, but I don’t.
I make excuses about needing to handle my own stressors first; but maybe that’s just a cop-out.
Depression as procrastination for engaging with life and other people
(It certainly kills my drive to put myself out there.)
Anyway, that’s my thought for the day. Start small, do a few good things for the people you love. Then, world peace and the end of hunger.
Target: 1600 words
Written: 2043 words, novel: Father Lightning
Read: 100 Side Hustles: Unexpected Idea For Making Extra Money Without Quitting Your Day Job, Chris Guillebeau
Comics: Tech Jacket 6, Invincible 4-5, Brit 1
Music: Foo Fighters Essentials, Foo Fighters (it's been a few foo foo kind of days)My wife says I’m angry. I say she’s angry. She says that’s just at her daughter, but it bleeds out into the rest of the world.
Mine does as well. I’m sick of other people.
I listen to A Wave Across The Bay and I want that for myself.
I want endless falling, never crashing, never landing, never ceasing to exist, but never engaging again.
Endless travel, free of care, free of responsibility.
When Sartre says hell is other people, he might be on to a thing.
Target: 1600 words
Written: 1721 words, novel: Father Lightning
Read: On Love, Charles Bukowski
Comics: WildC.A.T.S. v6 8-11
Music: Flyin' The Flannel, FIREHOSE (I don't why it's listed in all caps)This is a tough world in which to focus on kindness. I try to, but my frustration with our current political climate and people’s unfortunate behaviour makes it difficult to find sympathy.
It’s very easy to retreat.
Crippling depression and overwhelming stress doesn’t help. When one is in crisis, doing the extra for others seems a step too far.
But perhaps that’s when we need it most.
(What we really need is for someone to show us the same grace in return, but let’s face it – this isn’t that kind of world, and that’s a rare act.)
As someone who has dealt extensively with depression, I can confidently say that most kindness is tempered by judgment.
Oh, I’m so sorry, honey, maybe you should just buck up.
I feel you and what you’re going through, but maybe if you weren’t depressed, you wouldn’t have this problem (no shit, Sherlock).
He’s having a hard time, but he brought it on himself.
Etc., etc.
Do not temper your kindness with judgment; just be there. Give the hug. Hold the hand. Help clean up. Make a casserole.
Listen. Don’t be a jerk.
After all, better out than in, and judgment forces the latter, intentionally or otherwise.
Target: 1600 words
Written: 1354 words, novel: Father Lightning
Read: Night Shift, Stephen King
Comics: Voodoo v2 12, 0, Grifter v3 0, 13
Music: Flood, They Might Be GiantsThat’s how many days since I first sat down and said, “I’m going to try this writing thing,” and put together a haiku about birds falling as a metaphor for our blind spots and was promptly rejected by a magazine that prints exclusively haiku, because I hewed too close to the five-seven-five rule, even though I made it split-sentence run-on, for literary twist.
That’s how many days since I started thinking about monsters under the bed, which led to more short stories about misogyny, a comic about a woman’s revenge and her self-persecution, one about astronauts saving the world by killing innocent aliens, and a book about the Odd Couple, if the odd couple were virtue signaling hypocrites and MAGA monsters.
Eight-hundred-ninety seven days since I wrote down thirty-seven book ideas, a baker’s dozen comics, and vowed to write as many short stories and poems as I possibly could.
And still, I don’t have the guts to send them out to publish.
What is wrong with me?
Wait, don’t answer that. I already know.
I’m scared.
Rejection is the worst feeling. You’re the hero of your own story, tossed away like a background extra cut from the final scene in someone else’s.
My step-son did that once; he and a friend were extras on some dance movie. His friend was considered good-looking enough to make the background cut. My step-son danced for hours to never even get in the frame.
Target: 1600 words
Written: 1563 words, novel: Father Lightning
Read: Well Of Shiuan, C.J. Cherryh (I'm in love all over again)
Comics: Voodoo v2 2-3, Grifter v3 3-4
Music: Fleetwood Mac Essentials, Fleetwood MacWas I supposed to write today? To read?
To do things that actually mattered to me?
Guess not.
Target: 1600 words
Written: 907 words, novel: Father Lightning
Read: In Search Of The Castaways, Jules Verne (in search of something, I am... time, for a starter)
Comics: WildC.A.T.S. v5 6-9
Music: Five Dollar Bob's Mock Cooter Stew, MudhoneyTraining all day. Being utterly bored. Other people’s drama.
It’s enough to make a guy want to go to bed.
And not in the fun way.
Target: 1600 words
Written: 1545 words, novel: Father Lightning
Read: The Black Unicorn, Terry Brooks
Comics: Grifter & Midnighter 1-4
Music: Firestarter, The ProdigyApparently, cutting grass and listening to post-Hoon Blind Melon will do that to someone, in that now, this far in, we see the shape of our lives as carved by our worst enemies.
In my case, crippling depression that I’ve mostly learned to live with, though it’s stolen so goddamn much from me.
So goddamn much.
I want to talk about language and culture and modes of thought, but this damn depression, and this damned lack of time.
So goddamn much.
Target: 1600 words
Written: 1785 words, novel: Father Lightning
Read: Castle Of Wizardry, David Eddings
Comics: WildCats 20-23
Music: The Final Solution - Outcesticide III, NirvanaIt’s like ongoing comedy at times, like when I pre-tank my book sales because of the florists’ boycott, or when I mistype said as saiad, and immediately decide that this is the new name for a depression nymph.
All this to avoid thinking about the slap in the face, the spit in the eye, the return to stupid games and lies by one of the most selfish individuals we have in our life.
Christ, I’m tired of insecure narcissists and their manipulative selfishness, with no regard as to who they hurt, or the lasting effect of their lies.
Target: 1600 words
Written: 2588 words, novel: Father Lightning
Read: Dead As A Doornail, Charlaine Harris
Comics: WildCats 3.0 8-11
Music: Fight For Your Mind, Ben Harper (Another Lonely Day is my favourite walking around song)