why are some things so bad?

Like this insanely bad commercial for Tim Hortons (which admittedly, is awful at basically everything).

How does something get that bad?

We talk about the human condition, and human potential, which I’ve been thinking about a lot lately because of The Stuff, and I think…

How is that someone’s potential? To make a fucking TERRIBLE commercial with an AWFUL jingle for BAD food? That’s what you chose for your life?

Fuck, man. I know I’m no great shakes, but shit. I’m not I-make-ads-that-the-MOST-mediocre-can-look-down-on bad.

Right?

Target: 1400 words
Written: 495 words, comic: The Stuff 3

Read: Full Catastrophe Living, Jon Kabat-Zinn
Comics: Fables 128-129, Fairest 14-15
Music: June 26, 1999, Metro/Smart Bar, Local H

for a writer, i don’t write good

Or rather, I think I write well, okay at best, but I rarely know what I want to say. I read other books with these incredible telling details or unbelievable insights into the human condition and I think, why not me?

What am I saying that’s not been said before?

I suppose there’s something to be said on saying something that has been said in a different way, and different voices reaching different people in different ways, but yeah.

I always wanted to be original. Unique. At the vanguard of something new.

But I don’t know what. It’s the essence of constrained – having something inside of you building like a new big bang, but being so essentially weak of spirit as to be unable to unleash it into the void.

And that’s what out there – void.

No one reads my shit because I don’t promote my shit. I’m Holden Caulfield, if he lived now and on social media. If he thought he hated phonies before, man, wait until he gets a load of Instagram and Twitter.

He’d be dead before the day was out.

I was eased into it, and despite knowing these are the tools I require to be successful in today’s age, I am increasingly convinced that social media needs to be phased out of my life, and out of existence entirely, if we are to survive.

Otherwise, none of us may last the day.

Target: 1400 words
Written: 1476 words, comic: The Stuff #1

Read: Secrets And Lies: Digital Security In A Networked World, Bruce Schneier
Comics: Fables 103-106
Music: August 17, 1990, Palladium, Hollywood, Nirvana

we are not who we think we are

It’s common in Taoism, Buddhism, etc., to assume that the mind is not who we are, that we are something beyond our conditioning, our monkey minds, the trappings of our social circles and belief systems.

That there is something, someone beneath all that, so completely in tune with the universe that it can, if we can fall back into it, blow away all the bullshit of our selves and lives with a gentle breath, to reveal the bodhisattva at the centre of it all.

I believe this to be largely true. I’m not a religious man, but when I’ve sat and peeled layers, letting each go in turn…

I’m in there. I’m at the centre, not matter how rotten the layers get as we head toward the outside of me.

And that centre is everything.

Target: 1400 words
Written: 2105 words, comic: The Stuff #1

Read: The Catcher In The Rye, J.D. "DawggyDawg" Salinger
Comics: Cinderella: Fables Are Forever 4-6, Fables 102
Music: April 10, 1990, Blind Pig, Ann Arbor, Nirvana (yeah, I got the bootlegs)

perspective

I always miss the point.

I don’t know why. It can be staring me stark in the face from six inches away and I’ll crane my neck to look around it, to see what’s on the other side.

I guess it’s a matter of perspective. I spent a lot of years with none, and now, to rectify that, I’ve gone whole hog the other direction.

The other side of the road. The alternate view. The real truth – yours, mine and reality, from as many angles as I can scope.

And it’s blinding.

The funny thing is, this isn’t about overanalysis. A lot of people might interpret this as second-guessing or lack of confidence or whatever, and maybe to some extent, that’s the case.

But mostly it’s about being burned, over and over again, by a lack of insight.

Like right now.

I’m about to fire an asshole, over the accusation that he touched a woman’s bum. He sits in front of me, all hang-dogged in his expression, his big brown eyes threatening tears. His hands are folded in his lap, and they fidget as only the guilty can. Or the innocent, who don’t know why they’re there, but know it’s bad.

The assumption is guilt, but it could go either way. Would he protest more if he were innocent or guilty? Would I be able to tell the difference? Tone of voice, waver, urgency. Would I recognize crocodile tears? Doth he protest too much?

Most of upper management wanted him gone the same day without even cursory examination. A show of strength. For the females in the group, a show of solidarity. For the men, a desire not to show sympathy for the acts of an accused molester.

It’s all optics. Political correctness and “action” as a substitute for facts and discovery. Talking points, the surrogate, in the place of judgment, made in bluster about the ‘right thing’; in reality, about not getting sued or cancelled. Protect the bottom line, at all costs.

Me?

I can’t let it go without perspective. I believe that we start neutral and ask questions and work toward the truth. That starting with an assumption of guilt predisposes us to dismiss evidence that suggests otherwise, and limits our desire to seek out the truth.

Starting with an assumption of innocence can do the same. It’s not terribly fair to the victim, especially if they are a victim. It’s hard to feel good about accusing someone who’s been wronged of exaggeration or deceit.

On the other hand, if they are lying… I know it’s not popular to assume they are, but it does happen. More often than I think we care to admit. You’ve met people, right? They lie.

Of course, if you have to start with one or the other, innocence is the way to go. Better to believe in the inherent goodness of people than not.

Anyway, there’s this fucker, running around, wanton hands on the behinds of unsuspecting women, or so his accusers would have us believe, without examination or skepticism. I choose investigation. Questions. Find the truth so the truth can out.

It wasn’t a popular decision, but like I said, I need perspective. I’ve been told how unfair this is to the victim, that she should be listened to with unwavering belief, as though she’s God, and we’re the Catholic faithful.

But I’m agnostic.

If we’re about to destroy a man; perhaps a suspension of all disbelief is not the best method to do so. After all, the guy is married. He has two children, both toddlers. If found guilty, he has to go home to his wife and children and tell them he lost his job – for sexually assaulting a woman. Maybe he lies to them, but there’s lots of mutual friends; the truth will out eventually. It always does.

And then what?

Does his wife forgive him? Does she leave him? Does she take the children? Do the children grow up with angry, divorced parents or without a father because of one unwanted hand on someone’s behind?

Does he lose his house, his car, his family? Does he end up broke and homeless, on the street, shunned by friends and family alike, unhireable by any company that doesn’t want to risk a potential rapist in their midst?

A life destroyed. For a hand on a butt.

Multiple lives destroyed. Collateral damage. Innocent lives destroyed. Children’s lives.

For a hand on a butt.

The woman will go on. She’ll forget about this in a week or two, when things settle, and she’ll go back to her life in her cubicle with her friends and her new boss.

Oh yeah. Did I mention he’s her boss?

Yeah. Super shitty.

If legit.

Anyway, the woman will go back to friends and family and work and maybe some other man’s hand on her ass, and chances are, little will change for her. She might get creeped out at the thought of this guy if it comes up. She might be kind of skeeved.

He, on the other hand, may be on the street. He may lose everything, while the extent of her trauma is an uncomfortable memory, from time to time.

Proportion becomes a word to think about.

Proportion and perspective.

While the masses howl for blood, I ask questions. Compare and contrast. Weigh options. Consider motive, as well as action.

Who brought the charge?

The woman did. She was pushed into it by her boyfriend who also works in the space, and by his boss. She told us as much.

That’s interesting.

In her interview, she openly admitted to flirting with the accused and not actually wanting to speak with HR. Her boyfriend insisted.

The boyfriend has a history with other women in the building. He’s taken them to HR more than once to resolve some petty dispute, rarely work related. At times, he’s used the threat of discipline and termination to keep an ex-lover away from him, even as he texted them for a booty call that night. He’s used HR to separate lovers he didn’t want to know about each other. He’s promised no more contact with former flames, only to re-engage immediately. More than once, the full story was shrouded in obfuscation.

Motive. Past tactics.

Half-truth for revenge on possible rival?

What about the boyfriend’s boss, who backed the allegation, though not a direct witness?

Similar rival. The accused was involved with a friend of his. Both were married. Suspicions of emotional cheating. A lot of texts and flirting. The boyfriend’s boss, then only co-worker, was livid with moral outrage, despite his similar behaviour with another employee, also married. The boyfriend’s boss isn’t exactly known for his ability to keep his pen out of the company ink. Indeed, the boys’ club, locker room bullshit is how he got promoted in the first place.

Motive again. Revenge is an aphrodisiac.

Alternate perspective. Assume good will.

Boyfriend genuinely upset about sexual assault on girlfriend. Girlfriend hesitant to report, due to stigma or concerns about backlash or believability. Boyfriend leverages boss. Boom. Human Resources.

Justice.

Or…

Motives of jealousy and general dislike, an accuser uncertain about making accusation, who actively admits to both flirting and enjoying said flirtation. Exaggeration or intentional deception?

Misread signals? Overzealous overture?

Inappropriate act.

Perhaps the word proportion needs to return.

Re-assignment? Demotion? Discipline? Isolation? Suspension?

Boyfriend makes threats of police involvement. The issue is being pushed. I can feel the twine pull tight around my hands. Still.

Still.

Innocent until proven guilty.

And if guilty? To what degree? Will his accusers laugh to themselves, smug and satisfied, as my judgment gives their drama legitimacy? What if their drama is false? What if it’s not true?

The man’s on the street. Dead in a gutter. Victim of the drink.

Or maybe none of that. Maybe his wife forgives him with open arms, knows he’s innocent, and he’s employed in days, if not hours.

Like I said. Perspective. Knowledge. Speculation. Too many ways to look at it. Could be the guy’s a real creep. Definite possibility. Hasn’t come across that way in the past, but he is over-friendly, with everyone.

So many ways to see it. So much information.

I’ve always been jealous of those who charge forward, heedless of reality.

A witness comes out. Heavyset girl, teammate of the plaintiff. Best friend. Says she saw the whole thing.

Funny. We were told there were no witnesses. Plaintiff versus defendant, alone, in the library with the candlestick. He said. She said.

The witness is the best friend. Convenient, but no way to refute.

There’s a whiff in the air.

But here we are.

With this guy.

This fucking guy.

The only thing we can do hangs in the air. And my time is running out.

I lean in, my fingers crossed on the table before me. My voice, laden with gravitas.

“I’m sorry, son. We have no choice but to let you go…”

Target: 1400 words
Written: 504 words, short story: Perspective

Read: The Catcher In The Rye, J.D. Salinger
Comics: Fables 101, Cinderella: Fables Are Forever 1-3
Music: February 11, 1990, Cactus Club, San Jose, Nirvana

we are all going to die

I mean, probably. Well, definitely. The question is really when and how.

Is it when Trump starts the end of the world? Is it a pandemic exploding through us because morons think vaccinations are somehow worse than the disease they’re designed to protect against?

Is it climate change?

When I write, I’ve often dreamed of it as being read still hundreds of years hence (I imagine that’s true of many artists). At this point though, hurtling toward climate collapse at least, I’d be happy if we still had books at all in twenty years. Or if anyone was around to read them.

Maybe someday, aliens will settle our barren, self-destroyed plant, and find those written and using supercomputers we haven’t dreamed of, translate them and think, Jesus, what a bunch of fucking assholes.

And then they blew it all up.

Damn, dirty apes.

(A story, as told by a fatalist, using cultural references aliens probably won’t get, because I don’t think we ever beamed Charlton Heston to space. We are the monkeys, man! The monkeys are us!)

Target: 1400 words
Written: 1071 words, novel: Bad Neighbours

Read: Tesla: Man Out Of Time, Margaret Cheney
Comics: Fables 40-43
Music: 06.27.01 Peel Session, The Strokes

truth telling

I mean, I know we all think we know the truth, but the reality is that the truth is what it is and we are not always aware of all of the aspects of it. Multiple things can be true at any given time.

I have not lived an exemplary life. I’ve lied, I’ve cheated (my family and all my friends banned me from playing Monopoly) and probably worse, if I’m honest about it.

I am still not entirely honest with myself and the people around me, because I feel rejection. I have issues with insecurity and depression.

None of these things means I’m a horrible person by necessity, but neither do they make me an exemplary one.

Truth and perspective are the two things I chase most in my life, and as I get older and open myself up to that more, instead of living in safely comfortable fictions and denial, I find the truest thing I know is that truth and perspective are often not in accordance, but more of one inevitably creates more of the other.

Enough perspective and truth is revealed; how could it not be?

Truth knocks us out of our fictions, our blind spots; it provides perspective where none may have existed.

More truth. More perspectives. These are the only things that matter.

There is truth. There is perspective.

These things are not mutually exclusive. But one perspective, held without truth…

Well, there’s the rub, isn’t it?

Target: 1400 words
Written: 791 words, novel: Bad Neighbours

Read: Prozac Nation, Elizabeth Wurtzel
Comics: Fables 5-8
Music: Working Class Hero, Green Day (by way of John Lennon)

the system is breaking down

Everywhere. Every system.

What will come of the wreckage?

Target: 1300 words
Written: 1205 words, novel: Bad Neighbours

Read: Dead To The World, Charlaine Harris
Comics: Team Youngblood 5-6, Bloodstrike 8, Brigade v2 7
Music: Whip-Smart, Liz Phair

in the weeds now

I mean, I’m working harder than ever, and tomorrow’s a holiday, so we can sit and think about what we’ve done, which admittedly, is a weird reason for a holiday, and I’m not sure it’s tangible help to native communities, but here we are.

It’s probably better to ask them than me, but I suspect the answer is that we’re not doing enough to reconcile the sins of past with creating a better future for the indigenous.

In any case, not to make light, but I’ve spent the last fifty minutes trying to have a character explain why he’s still consider liberal if he’s opposed to butt stuff.

It’s a hygiene thing, not a commentary on homosexuality.

(The character, not me. You get your freak on, boys and girls. As long as it’s consensual and doesn’t involve children, animals or those not capable of making that decision, then you get on getting on.)

Anyway, life’s weird and horrible things that require solemnity often overlap with the absurd.

I think we’d die if we had to take it all so seriously (which ironically, sums out how we got to our current edge-of-Armageddon political apocalypse). We all got too sensitive, hunkered down, doubled down, doubled down again and instead of letting shit go a little and talking it out, we’re about to have a civil war a hundred kilometres or so to the south of us.

Lighten up, jerks. Drop the militants, and get back to using your words.

Target: 1300 words
Written: 1249 words, novel: Bad Neighbours

Read: Born For This, Chris Guillebeau
Comics: Brigade v2 0, 3, Team Youngblood 1, Bloodstrike 4
Music: Where The Fuck Is The Revolution?, Closet Monster

fight or flight

Actually, there’s a third option.

Fight or flight or freeze.

(Or technically, die, but that’s really more of a consequence than an action.)

Science, bitches.

Target: 1300 words
Written: 1140 words, novel: Bad Neighbours

Read: The Last American Vampire, Seth Grahame-Smith (wait, I thought Abe lived until the Sixties?)
Comics: Tomb Raider v3 11-12, Tomb Raider: Survivor's Crusade 1-2
Music: When I Come Around, Green Day

polarization

I think the whole thing I’m trying to do with this Bad Neighbours thing is to really explore how absurd the political dichotomy is, and how destructive.

I’m not exploring a third option, and the crazier the right gets, there becomes an increasing need to draw that hard line and say, no.

No more.

No further.

Enough.

And then push back the other way until sanity is restored. The problem is, the rhetoric on that side, so willingly and completely divorced from any kind of reality or genuity, is almost impossible to engage on a conversational level. You can’t argue the points, because they don’t care to listen, and won’t respond in good faith.

There is no argument that will stop this anymore. We need to convince ourselves to take action, whatever action we can, procedural, legal, etc., in order to slow this monster down enough to make it to elections, which at this point, is a question of whether they’ll even happen or whether these fascists will try to find an excuse to suspend them or rig them, because they know in any even remotely just system, they’ll get blown from the water, and then, they’re all fucked.

Basically, every obstruction that can be made, every inch fought for; give up nothing without extreme cost. Make them feel it. Wear them down; they’ve shown a great deal of incompetency.

They will make exploitable mistakes.

Use the bureaucracy against them, especially since you can no longer trust the Supreme Court, and every block at a lower level just gets pushed up to the shadow docket. Plus, even when the court rules against them, they just ignore it and do it anyway.

So, block, obstruct, don’t make it easy. Make them work for every inch, make every yard a Herculean effort.

It’s the only way.

Push back, push back, push back.

And when it’s all said and done, and the extremists have fallen by the wayside, then maybe we can get back to ending the dichotomy.

Target: 1300 words
Written: 1313 words, novel: Bad Neighbours

Read: Sylvie And Bruno Concluded, Lewis Carroll (god, this is shit)
Comics: Lara Croft And The Frozen Omen 4-5, Tomb Raider v3 1-2
Music: Whatever Happened To P.J. Soles?, Local H (quite possible the most underrated one hit wonder ever)