Category: health

on the verge of existential crisis

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It’s bizarre to me how when I throw on the headphones at work and put on an album, that it doesn’t matter what it is, it hits me somewhere directly in the raw nerve feelings, and every workday in the office begins to feel like an existential crisis.

Today, for example, I swerved from Transplants to Jimmy Buffett to Cameron Halcombe and Billie Eilish, and it felt like absolute hell, in the most incredible way. Nirvana didn’t help.

Why are all my nerves raw?

Why am I experiencing such psychotically exquisite depth of feeling?

Why so barenerved?

Like my chest, ripped to pieces.

Why?

And why don’t I hate it?

Target: 1600 words
Written: 960 words, novel: Father Lightning

Read: The Stand, Stephen King
Comics: Invincible 79-81, Guarding The Globe 5
Music: From The Muddy Banks Of The Wishkah, Nirvana

rainy day card games

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And other such fun. We did get out for lunch, which was nice, but yeah. If I’m going to be stuck in my cabin all day, maybe it shouldn’t be with the whole gang, and no time to read, and a goddamned plugged toilet minutes before I go to bed (not my fault).

I’ll be honest. I am short-fused when I don’t get that sweet, sweet alone time.

It is something I wish the people around me truly understood.

It is something the world, in its current incarnation, barely understands, with its constant notifications, constant connection, constant updates.

Never was a world more lonely than the one where no one ever shuts up.

Target: 1600 words
Written: 2604 words, novel: Father Lightning

Read: The Stand, Stephen King
Comics: Invincible 68-69, Invincible Presents: Atom Eve & Rexsplode 1-2
Music: Frizzle Fry, Primus (fuck, I forgot what a killer album this is)

today, i feel gravity

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Not the seriousness of the situation, but the sensation of being pulled down, to my knees, to the floor, to sink in and let my mind bleed out my ears into insensate despair.

I am fighting.

I am not yet losing, but it’s real fuckin’ close.

The kindness thing I can do for myself today is breathe. Continue to breathe.

I’m not sure what the trigger is – probably the monstrous headache I suffered through all day yesterday, and the copious amounts of Advil required to stave off the smallest part of it, plus all the stress of getting everything ready to go away for a week, which should be joyful and peaceful, but is often too busy and people-filled to be so.

Would that I could live in the woods, and release books for free.

Or hide them away, to be discovered after I’m gone, and released to posthumous brilliance.

To the floor, it be, then.

Target: 1600 words
Written: 2383 words, novel: Father Lightning

Read: The Faded Sun: Shon'jir, C.J. Cherryh (perhaps it's just the knowledge of my inferiority)
Comics: Noble Causes 37, Brit v2 9, Invincible 55, Dynamo 5 18
Music: Freaked Out And Small, The Presidents Of The United States Of America (but hopefully, not this last one)

poop breath

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My baby Sofi is a wicked cute little girl, but she’s fucking gross.

Sami had a reaction to his painkillers and had diarrhea under the bench in our entryway. By the time the smell hit us, Sofi had already eaten every last drop.

Needless to say, face kisses are a strict no for the foreseeable future.

Target: 1600 words
Written: 2585 words, novel: Father Lightning

Read: Twenty Thousand Leagues Under The Sea, Jules Verne
Comics: Invincible 48-49, Dynamo 5 11, Invincible Presents: Atom Eve 2
Music: No Man's Land, Frank Turner (the obsession continues)

no time again

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Cat surgery. Hopefully nothing major.

But yeah. Sucks.

Target: 1600 words
Written: 1762 words, novel: Father Lightning

Read: Twenty Thousand Leagues Under The Sea, Jules Verne
Comics: Dynamo 5 9-10, Invincible Presents: Atom Eve 1, Brit v2 4
Music: England Keep My Bones Down, Frank Turner (still more obsessed)

the sky is orange

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We’re in Mad Max now.

I’m so happy to have been born in an age of enlightenment, the most technologically advanced civilization to ever exist, just in time for the apocalypse.

These things are not unrelated.

Target: 1600 words
Written: 2555 words, novel: Father Lightning

Read: The Grey Seas Under, Farley Mowat (I want this to be a TV show)
Comics: Noble Causes 27-28, Invincible 39, Dynamo 5 2
Music: Fox Theatre, Sublime

firefucked

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So there are wildfires, and my throat hurts, and we’re not even close to them. We’re literally hundreds of kilometres away.

My day, however, as spent rescuing an outdoor cat we were thinking about taking on anyway, when it seemed like she was struggling to breathe in the haze.

We hope we weren’t too late.

Target: 1600 words
Written: 840 words, novel: Father Lightning

Read: The Grey Seas Under, Farley Mowat (blown away already)
Comics: Invincible 37-38, Noble Causes 26, Dynamo 5 1
Music: The Fox, April 10, 2006, State Radio

skullfucked

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Heat done give me a headache.

And it ain’t goin’ away.

Target: 1600 words
Written: 2337 words, novel: Father Lightning

Read: Wizard At Large, Terry Brooks
Comics: Noble Causes 24-25, Invincible 35-36
Music: The Four Lads Greatest Hits, The Four Lads (I think there's five of them)

too much anger

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Not just in the world, but in me.

I’m angry at the world’s situation.

I’m angry at myself, for wasting so much time.

I’m angry at myself, for not being a better man.

I’m angry at circumstances beyond my control.

I’m angry at being blamed for things I didn’t even do, and never would.

I’m angry at greed.

I’m angry at corruption.

I’m angry at myself for allowing depression to dictate the terms of my life.

I’m angry at other people, for constantly invading my time and space.

I’m angry, because I’m not nice enough, and because I cannot be less nice.

I’m angry at my own frustation.

I’m angry, again, at my inability to change any of this.

I’m angry at my inertia.

Target: 1600 words
Written: 1818 words, novel: Father Lightning

Read: Definitely Dead, Charlaine Harris
Comics: Noble Causes 8-9, Invincible 21-22
Music: For Those About To Rock, AC/DC

almost heat stroke

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I’m pretty sure. Thirty-six fucking C and I went grocery shopping. I was only outside for a couple of minutes going in and out of the grocery store and LCBO.

Apparently, unloading the groceries and taking out the garbage was too much for me.

Huge headache after. Needed ice water, sudden desire to turn our hot tub into a cold plunge.

But that would take too long.

Fuck.

Target: 1600 words
Written: 2009 words, novel: Father Lightning

Read: Gregor And The Code Of Claw, Suzanne Collins
Comics: Invincible 9-12
Music: Foot In Mouth, Green Day