eight-hundred-ninety-seven

That’s how many days since I first sat down and said, “I’m going to try this writing thing,” and put together a haiku about birds falling as a metaphor for our blind spots and was promptly rejected by a magazine that prints exclusively haiku, because I hewed too close to the five-seven-five rule, even though I made it split-sentence run-on, for literary twist.

That’s how many days since I started thinking about monsters under the bed, which led to more short stories about misogyny, a comic about a woman’s revenge and her self-persecution, one about astronauts saving the world by killing innocent aliens, and a book about the Odd Couple, if the odd couple were virtue signaling hypocrites and MAGA monsters.

Eight-hundred-ninety seven days since I wrote down thirty-seven book ideas, a baker’s dozen comics, and vowed to write as many short stories and poems as I possibly could.

And still, I don’t have the guts to send them out to publish.

What is wrong with me?

Wait, don’t answer that. I already know.

I’m scared.

Rejection is the worst feeling. You’re the hero of your own story, tossed away like a background extra cut from the final scene in someone else’s.

My step-son did that once; he and a friend were extras on some dance movie. His friend was considered good-looking enough to make the background cut. He danced for hours to never even get in the frame.

Target: 1600 words
Written: 1563 words, novel: Father Lightning

Read: Well Of Shiuan, C.J. Cherryh (I'm in love all over again)
Comics: Voodoo v2 2-3, Grifter v3 3-4
Music: Friction, Baby, Better Than Ezra (what a dick you must have been to have someone name a band after how much better than are than you)

oh, i’m sorry

Was I supposed to write today? To read?

To do things that actually mattered to me?

Guess not.

Target: 1600 words
Written: 907 words, novel: Father Lightning

Read: In Search Of The Castaways, Jules Verne (in search of something, I am... time, for a starter)
Comics: WildC.A.T.S. v5 6-9
Music: Freak Magnet, Violent Femmes

marathon

It is ironic, because as I build my tolerance for more and more butt-in-seat time writing, that I think over three thousand words a marathon.

I hope, someday, that I might triple that and still have time leftover for love.

Target: 1600 words
Written: 3296 words, novel: Father Lightning

Read: Coppermine Journey, Farley Mowat (conflicted on this one, in so many ways)
Comics: DC/WS DreamWar 4-5, WildC.A.T.S. v5 1-2
Music: Frankenchrist, Dead Kennedys

sometimes, my notes make me laugh

It’s like ongoing comedy at times, like when I pre-tank my book sales because of the florists’ boycott, or when I mistype said as saiad, and immediately decide that this is the new name for a depression nymph.

All this to avoid thinking about the slap in the face, the spit in the eye, the return to stupid games and lies by one of the most selfish individuals we have in our life.

Christ, I’m tired of insecure narcissists and their manipulative selfishness, with no regard as to who they hurt, or the last effect of their lies.

Target: 1600 words
Written: 2588 words, novel: Father Lightning

Read: Dead As A Doornail, Charlaine Harris
Comics: WildCats 3.0 8-11
Music: Forth, The Verve

big jump

Father Lightning swelled from forty nine thousand to almost sixty-three, in just one draft. That’s a big jump. I don’t think either of my previous efforts had that kind of jump.

Kudos to me, for either overwriting or strongly expanding the narrative.

With a potential lot of fluff, and some good new ideas I had while editing, the third round seems like there’s maybe some potential.

Fuck, I hope this is good.

Target: 1600 words
Written: 2901 words, novel: Father Lightning

Read: Dead As A Doornail, Charlaine Harris
Comics: WildCats v2 28, WildCats 3.0 1-3
Music: FOREVER, Cracker (FOREVER)

one off notes

Sometimes, I look back on my notes and can’t help but either shake my head or laugh.

Occasionally, in the middle of snippets about sentence structure or opining over character motivation, there will be an unexpected political rant or description of a whole other scenario for a character that would never fit into the book.

Entire lives and tragedies will have been lived out within the random scraps of my writings, entire storylines, whole new books carried out over a half a page. Tortures, ecstasies, vindications, justifications, explanation, exhortations and belittling of the idiot writing it all down.

It’s actually pretty common for me to make a note of how much I suck in the middle of editing notes.

For the record, I’m probably not as bad as all that, but since nothing’s really been published yet, I might be.

Of course, I’m living for the kindness now, and that does reflect on the self.

Be nicer to yourself, Empty. There’s no getting away from you, after all.

Target: 1500 words
Written: 2050 words, novel: Father Lightning

Read: Interview With The Vampire, Anne Rice
Comics: Grifter 10, Grifter/Shi 1, Spawn/WildC.A.T.S. 3, WildC.A.T.S. 28
Music: Flick Of The Switch, AC/DC

repetition

I think it’s time I got more serious about writing and exploring kindness.

See, The Mungk took me to a dark place because I was thinking about trauma, abandonment and isolation the whole time. The Conflagration of Boor and Aghast made me angry, because tapping into the outrage machine and felt helplessness of modern politics can’t help but do so (also, didn’t help that Trump launched his reign of terror).

Father Lightning is, at its core, an exploration of kindness. So rather than bogging down in anger and hopelessness or despair, it was meant to re-centre me, and re-focus on compassion and empathy and treating people with kindness and respect.

But here I am, thinking about anger and trauma, again.

Going forward, no more pain and anger (well, some pain and anger).

The primary focus of this blog will be kindness, and everything that goes along with it.

Target: 1500 words
Written: 2195 words, novel: Father Lightning

Read: Time For A Tiger, Anthony Burgess (when I started reading this, I thought it might be about an actual tiger, or a tiger as a metaphor for Malaysia near the end of British rule, but nope - a Tiger is a warm beer, and our protagonist spend most of their time not wanting to do anything but stop what they're doing and go have one.  Weird premise, Burgess.  I mean, I understand the sentiment, but weird thing to focus a book on.)
Comics: Voodoo/Zealot: Skin Trade 1, Zealot 1, WildC.A.T.S. 23, Team One/WildC.A.T.S. 2
Music: Five Songs And A Cover, Foo Fighters

funny how that works

You wake up, things seem like they’re going tickety-boo, and then all of a sudden, it’s three o’clock and you’ve only done distracted things and shit for other people.

And yet it seemed like you had so much time.

If that ain’t a metaphor for a wasted life, I don’t know what is.

This workin’s for the birds.

Target: 1500 words
Written: 2028 words, novel: Father Lightning

Read: Time For A Tiger, Anthony Burgess
Comics: Wildstorm Rising 2, Grifter 2, WildCats Adventures 10, WildC.A.T.S. 21
Music: Five Dollar Bob's Mock Cooter Stew, Mudhoney

that was kind of rude

Like, the whole thing about Father Lightning is me exploring the nature of kindness, in the same manner I explored the concept of dualism in The Conflagration Of Boor And Aghast and trauma in The Mungk.

I don’t think I’m doing so well. The point of kindness is not that you’re a doormat; it’s also not to only be kind to those to whom it’s easy to be kind.

True kindness understands that sometimes the kindest thing is a direct truth; true kindness understands that sometimes, even those that would seem to deserve it the least are the ones that may need it the most.

It sets boundaries by shedding light on the reality of a situation; it understands that sometimes, in that enlightening, we may need to cast aside judgment.

I’m not sure I’m doing a very good job of that.

In this, I must be better.

Target: 1500 words
Written: 2337 words, novel: Father Lightning

Read: Pebble In The Sky, Isaac Asimov
Comics: WildC.A.T.S. 18-19, WildCats Adventures 6, Warblade: Endangered Species 3
Music: The First Four Years, Black Flag

storm shakin’

I make notes on second draft while a rat terrier shakes uncontrollably in my lap, and the sky rumbles above.

I don’t know what traumatized her so, but man, poor girl.

We love you, Sofi. Sorry about the weather.

Target: 1500 words
Written: 1349 words, novel: Father Lightning

Read: Pebble In The Sky, Isaac Asimov
Comics: WildCats Adventures 3-4, WildC.A.T.S. 17, Grifter: One Shot 1
Music: First Ditch Effort, NOFX