have you consider shooting yourself today?

Because I have.

I won’t (and you shouldn’t either).

I don’t own a gun, and never will. Personally, I don’t think we should shoot anyone. I think guns should disappear into quaint relics of a dark past.

But I’ve still thought about it.

Anyway, don’t.

Release the Epstein files instead.

I’ve been thinking too much about loss and dead people.

Thank Tao my dog is going to be okay.

Target: 1500 words
Written: 1476 words, short story: Skeleton Park

Read: The Tipping Point, Malcolm Gladwell
Comics: Fables 150, Fables: The Wolf Among Us 33-35
Music: 3 Years, 5 Months And 2 Days..., Arrested Development

anyways

I’m thinking a lot about dead people today. Mostly, I think about how many people have come before me, and how many will come after, and how every single one of them will die, and maybe people remember them and maybe they don’t, for good reasons and bad, and there’s tragedy in that.

There’s tragedy in loss, but there’s also tragedy living a life in mourning.

It can feel like a whirlwind, like a pit, like a maelstrom rising out of the earth below your feet.

And yet, we still must live. It’s a wonder anything survives, for any length of time. The only joy is in childhood.

Target: 1500 words
Written: 1504 words, short story: Skeleton Park

Read: The Shooting Party, Anton Chekhov
Comics: Fables: The Wolf Among Us 21-24
Music: 23 Live Sex Acts, Against Me!

absolution

I don’t think we get absolution in this life. All we do is all we are, and it never stops coming back to haunt us.

All it takes is a flicker; the pit opens. Guilt consumes.

Things said. Things done.

Things not done. Things not said.

Roads not taken and all that good shit. Roads taken, but driven with the speed of a maniacal drunk, or a fugitive with no regard for life or limb.

I do not believe in sorry forever. I do believe in sorry now.

There is no absolution, even in forgiveness.

Target: 1400 words
Written: 317 words, comic: The Stuff #3

Read: Full Catastrophe Living, Jon Kabat-Zinn
Comics: Fables 126-127, Fairest 12-13
Music: February 22, 1994, Palaghiaccio, Rome, Nirvana (and thus ends, for now, my collection of Nirvana bootlegs)

rage

I had ideas about what to write today, but things went so far off the rails, from taking a coatrack to the head, being utterly abandoned by anyone and everyone and just the universe, doing its complete fucking of me, again and again.

I need to stay off social media. They’ve gone looney tunes down south and my blood pressure is through the roof.

Target: 1400 words
Written: 4500 words

Read: Secrets And Lies: Digital Security In A Networked World, Bruce Schneier (prophetic and interesting, as a time capsule during a time I would have been a lamer script kiddie)
Comics: Fables 107-109, Jack Of Fables 50
Music: November 25, 1990, Off Ramp, Seattle, Nirvana

for a writer, i don’t write good

Or rather, I think I write well, okay at best, but I rarely know what I want to say. I read other books with these incredible telling details or unbelievable insights into the human condition and I think, why not me?

What am I saying that’s not been said before?

I suppose there’s something to be said on saying something that has been said in a different way, and different voices reaching different people in different ways, but yeah.

I always wanted to be original. Unique. At the vanguard of something new.

But I don’t know what. It’s the essence of constrained – having something inside of you building like a new big bang, but being so essentially weak of spirit as to be unable to unleash it into the void.

And that’s what out there – void.

No one reads my shit because I don’t promote my shit. I’m Holden Caulfield, if he lived now and on social media. If he thought he hated phonies before, man, wait until he gets a load of Instagram and Twitter.

He’d be dead before the day was out.

I was eased into it, and despite knowing these are the tools I require to be successful in today’s age, I am increasingly convinced that social media needs to be phased out of my life, and out of existence entirely, if we are to survive.

Otherwise, none of us may last the day.

Target: 1400 words
Written: 1476 words, comic: The Stuff #1

Read: Secrets And Lies: Digital Security In A Networked World, Bruce Schneier
Comics: Fables 103-106
Music: August 17, 1990, Palladium, Hollywood, Nirvana

jane says

“Jane?”

I roll over in bed. The fog of sleep squeezes my forehead. My eyes struggle to adjust to the light. “What’s the matter?”

My voice is a whisper in the dark. I can’t see Jane properly, but she’s sitting up. The outline of her body is a slate silhouette against the headboard.

“Honey?” I say a little louder and reach my hand over to her side of the bed. It lands on her knee. She doesn’t move. I shake her leg, gently, at first, then with a touch of vigour. She doesn’t budge. There’s a kind of lull in the arc of her head as it bobs down. “Babe.”

Jane doesn’t respond. My teeth grind in frustration. This isn’t the first time she’s done something like this.

“Really? You’re still mad about earlier?” I shake my head.

Again, no response.

“You know I didn’t mean nothing by it. I just wish you’d be a little cooler, you know? Sometimes.”

A car speeds past outside. Its headlights cut a jagged silhouette across the ceiling. Jane’s faced away. Head down.

“I mean, it’s not that you’re not a good wife or whatever. It’s just, sometimes, you pick at me. And we aren’t as, uh, intimate, as we used to be.”

I pull my hand back from her knee. The sullen shape next to me sits in silence. In my mind, in the darkness, her arms are crossed, her lips pursed and pouting. I know what this is about. This goddamn shit again. The bitch doesn’t trust me.

“Listen, what Lisa said don’t mean nothing. I mean, I know you think there’s something there, but I swear to you, there’s not. It’s just… listen. She’s got a nice figure. That’s all I meant by what I said. And then you started with the cheating talk and I was only trying to explain myself. I love you. I mean that. But she’s a pretty girl and sometimes, a pretty girl starts talking to you and you don’t really think and that’s when you get in trouble.”

I breathe in deep. Around me, shadows loom out of the furniture, from behind lamps and dressers and pillows stacked in the corner. There’s a weird scent to the room, familiar, but out of place.

“I mean, I guess you’re right. I shouldn’t have been talking to her like that. It wasn’t flirting, I swear, but I can see your point. But she shouldn’t have told you. She’s your friend. If she didn’t want nothing to do with me, I mean, if she were getting the wrong impression, she should’ve said so. I didn’t mean nothing by it. Instead, she’s gotta start shit between us.”

It’s a sort of sharp smell, but subtle.

“I know I should’ve told you. But it wasn’t a thing, not to me! I didn’t think I did nothing wrong. How was I to know she was gonna make a big deal out of it?”

I roll onto my side and place my fingers on Jane’s shoulder.

“Anyway, I’m sorry. You’re right and I’m wrong and I’ll make it up to you,” I roll my eyes. “I won’t talk to Lisa no more, that’s for sure. Who knows what kind of crazy shit she’ll make up next?”

Jane sits unmoving, a statue in the night.

“Not that it was all made up, but you know. Exaggerated, probably. I don’t know exactly what she said to you but knowing her, she probably made it sound way worse than it actually was.”

Jane’s eyes point down at her lap, inscrutable in the darkness.

“Jane, honey. You gotta say something.”

Silence.

“Come on already. Speak up.”

I snatch my fingers back from her shoulder and shake my head. It only takes an instant for the rage to well up inside me. I’m so fucking tired of this shit. Enough’s enough.

“You know what? Fuck this. You always fucking do this. Something happens you don’t like and all of a sudden, I’m the worst fucking person in the whole wide world! And then I gotta sit there and listen to you go on and on and give me the fucking silent treatment because you don’t trust me for shit.”

The mattress bounces as I sit up and lean back against the headboard, arms crossed.

“So what, I said your friend had a nice body. So what? That’s not my fault. It’s true. I see her, jogging through the neighbourhood. She works out at the gym. She looks good. When’s the last time you went for a jog, huh? When’s the last time you went to the gym?” I demand. “Never mind. Don’t answer. I already fucking know. Fucking never.”

She’s gonna get it now. She’s gonna wish she never tried to take me on. Bitches gotta know their place.

“So, yeah, I fucking look. Maybe if I was treated a little better at home, I wouldn’t. Every night, you got a fucking headache or something. You gotta work in the morning. You’re pissed at me for some reason. Christ, I stayed out, like one night, with Chuckie, and you’d have thought I murdered a fucking baby.”

I give her my best mean stare in the dark.

“Oh, I know you didn’t say nothing, but I can tell. It’s your way or the highway, right? Because it’s not like anyone else should compromise, huh? Look at you. What effort are you putting into this relationship? Maybe if you had a body like Lisa’s, we wouldn’t be in this situation. Or maybe if you took care of my needs once in a while. I mean, we haven’t had sex in a week. I can’t even remember the last time I got a blowjob. Like, three weeks ago? A month?”

My hands gesticulate in the dark, animate cursors of past injustice.

“I do so much for you. Last week, I bought you a brand new fucking microwave and what’d I get for it? Not even a thank you. Maybe I’m not the one who should be sorry here. Maybe it’s you. Maybe if you weren’t such a fucking bitch all the time, we wouldn’t have this problem.”

I stop to wait for a reply, but none comes.

“You’re such a fucking coward,” I spit. “So passive aggressive. Can’t just speak your mind like a normal person. No, you gotta sit there like a fucking lump and give me the silent treatment.”

Jane’s silence continues. Fucking cunt. Fucking bitch. My lips curl into a sneer.

“No wonder I’m looking,” I throw up my hands. “You don’t talk to me. You don’t communicate. You don’t wanna mess around. I’m not a fucking mind reader! I don’t know what you want!

I throw my hands up in the air in exasperation. Still, nothing from her side of the bed. Christ, she’s really leaning into this whole silent treatment, the bitch. I decide to change tack.

“Listen, all I’m saying is I’d like a little more attention. And maybe for you to drop like, I don’t know… ten pounds? Twenty? It’s not like I’m asking you to go fucking bulimic or something. What are you? A buck forty now?”

Nothing. Huh. Thought that’d get her for sure.

“Maybe thirty pounds. I mean, it’s not that much, really.”

It’s like talking to a ghost.

“Fuck, no wonder I’m hitting on Lisa,” the sarcasm drips from my mouth. “With all this intellectual stimulation and conversation I got at home. She’s a fucking liar, but I’d bet she at least talks to her man. You don’t start talking, I’m gonna be that man soon. I bet Lisa wouldn’t give two shits about screwing you over once she hears what a fucking bitch you are. I know you don’t know it, but I’m a catch. Any girl’d be lucky to have me.”

I scan for any hint of movement. None is forthcoming.

This shit really burns my ass.

Fine. She wants to play this game, I’m going scorched earth.

“And what are you?” I continue. “Huh? You think you’re a fuckin’ prize? A bitch who can’t spend half a second on her man? You don’t even look nice when we go out places. You’re embarrassing. It’s embarrassing to be with you. You fat, fuckin’ pathetic, fuckin’ bitch. You know what? Fuck you, Jane. Fuck you.”

If that don’t do it, nothing will. I flop down on the bed, face away from her and sneer.

I bet she’s got tears running down her cheeks. I bet she’s gonna cry. I listen for sounds of sniffling, but it’s quiet city on that side of the bed. There’s nothing at all. I lift myself back up on my elbows and search Jane’s face for signs of distress. It’s too dark to tell. She still doesn’t say anything.

The bitch.

I jerk her wrist from beneath the sheet and squeeze. I’m gonna get something out of her one way or another. Something squishes between my fingers, slithers out between my knuckles as I wrench down on bones, bones that feel ready to break. Instantly, my hand snaps back. I hold my palm up in front of my face, but the night provides only the greyest of glistens.

“Why are you all fucking wet?”

Instinctively, my eyes go back to Jane’s face. Her shadow stares back, black pits on a black face, in a black room. The out-of-place smell comes stronger now.

“Oh, no, no, no, no, no.”

I reach for the lamp beside the bed. The shift in the mattress rocks Jane and she slumps sideways, out of the bed, onto the floor with a clatter and a thud. She bounces off the nightstand, her legs still trapped in the sheets. Her skull loudly off the hardwood. Something metallic skitters across the floor.

“Shit. Jane? You okay?”

I click the lamp on. A pair of red circles stain the mattress, bled together and trailing off the side of the bed. I can’t see Jane’s face. Only her naked legs twisted up in the sheets, and the hem of her nightgown fallen up over her hips, exposing her to the night air. Rivulets of blood stain her thighs. One wrist, twisted up, seeps slow red.

“Jane?”

I lean toward the fallen figure draped off the edge of the bed.

“Honey?”

The stain in the mattress floats back up under my weight, pooling beneath my hands.

“Say something. Anything.”

Across the ceiling, the lights of a passing car slash through once again.

From the floor, silence.

Target: 1400 words
Written: 433 words, short story: Jane Says

Read: Plot & Structure, James Scott Bell
Comics: Cinderella: From Fabletown With Love 6, Jack Of Fables 45, Fables 95-96
Music: December 28, 1988, The Underground, Seattle, Nirvana

we are all going to die

I mean, probably. Well, definitely. The question is really when and how.

Is it when Trump starts the end of the world? Is it a pandemic exploding through us because morons think vaccinations are somehow worse than the disease they’re designed to protect against?

Is it climate change?

When I write, I’ve often dreamed of it as being read still hundreds of years hence (I imagine that’s true of many artists). At this point though, hurtling toward climate collapse at least, I’d be happy if we still had books at all in twenty years. Or if anyone was around to read them.

Maybe someday, aliens will settle our barren, self-destroyed plant, and find those written and using supercomputers we haven’t dreamed of, translate them and think, Jesus, what a bunch of fucking assholes.

And then they blew it all up.

Damn, dirty apes.

(A story, as told by a fatalist, using cultural references aliens probably won’t get, because I don’t think we ever beamed Charlton Heston to space. We are the monkeys, man! The monkeys are us!)

Target: 1400 words
Written: 1071 words, novel: Bad Neighbours

Read: Tesla: Man Out Of Time, Margaret Cheney
Comics: Fables 40-43
Music: 06.27.01 Peel Session, The Strokes

the rundown

Multiple meanings for that these days, as you’ll eventually see.

If there’s ever a movie written of my life, it’s going to be a lot of stuttering and masturbation, followed by a slow, tortuous breakdown in front of a computer.

I know it was a shittier time, but past generations had such grand adventures; our life is so regimented now.

You must do this. You must do that.

There’s no time for peace. No time for quiet.

Where’s my goddamned quiet at?

No, I run, and run, and run, it all just runs me down.

Target: 1400 words
Written: 1823 words, novel: Bad Neighbours

Read: Prozac Nation, Elizabeth Wurtzel (I was excited to read this, thinking I might comiserate, but this is far less a description of depression, but rather narcissism using depression as its party mask.  There's a point where she reaches true depression, I think, and there's a perfect description of it, which made me think, okay, finally, she understands, but then she does it all away with a drug, then spends the rest of the book bemoaning the fact that she did it before it was cool, like some pretentious alt-rock kid pissed off the little indie band they liked signed a deal with a major label.  This book?  Five percent depression, the rest about a real as the proverbial cut my wrist width-wise instead of lengthwise cry for attention.  Disappointing.)
Comics: Fables 20-23
Music: World Container, The Tragically Hip

still crashing out

I know this is because I’ve got myself under a ton of pressure to finish this book before Christmas.

Literally. I’ve set the date as December 23rd.

Finished by that date, so I can sit back with a cigar and a whiskey and fucking kick some goddamned ass.

Then to lighten things up for a bit with some poetry, more short stories and comics, maybe a hip little ditty or three.

Then, maybe, by the time March rolls around, I’ll be ready for canon project #3.

And maybe I’ll head back to historical.

Paranormal.

Lovecraft country, baby. I am the man of a thousand ideas; and a thousand more I will never have time to complete.

Target: 1400 words
Written: 1483 words, novel: Bad Neighbours

Read: Prozac Nation, Elizabeth Wurtzel
Comics: Fables 16-19
Music: Working Undercover For The Man, They Might Be Giants