Category: depression

according to my calculations

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The Mungk should be finished in ten to fourteen days.

Then, onto the scarier phase – trying to fucking sell it.

Writing it is the easy part, compared to all the gladhanding and sending and trying to build audiences and dealing with the constant rejection.

And it’s a lot of rejection.

I think maybe sometimes that the whole universe has looked at me with the most cursory glance and said, nah. Not interested.

Dismissed out of hand by god.

The question is do we disappear, or do we get pissed and say, oh yeah? Look at me now, while smashing everything around them.

How you like me now?

Target: 1000 words
Written: 1173 words, novella: The Mungk

Read: I'll Be Gone In The Dark, Michelle McNamara
Comics: The Boys 47, The Boys: Highland Laddie 1-3
Music: Night Music, Tones On Tail

a slim chance of hope

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Every day, I tell myself the same thing:

This, too, is the way. This, too, shall pass.

It’s a mantra that keeps me from screaming, or worse.

It’s ringing a little hollow these days. Perhaps it’s just another way to avoid taking action on the things that haunt me.

Perhaps.

Target: 1000 words
Written: 2287 words, novella: The Mungk

Read: Uncertainty: Turning Fear And Doubt Into Fuel For Brilliance, Jonathan Fields
Comics: The Boys 31-34
Music: Nice, Rollins Band (I saw this listed as their worst album, and all I could think was, "if this is their worst, how fucking bad is everyone else?"  Rollins is the shit.)

better already

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Man, sometimes, you just have to suck it up and take your medicine (if you can afford the medicine, which is a whole other issue, and thank goodness, I live in Canada, at least until Poilevre gets in, which he looks increasingly likely to do, the slimy, deceitful fuck).

Sofi’s better already. Two doses of antibiotic and some probiotic and she’s already pooped, slept through the night and seems so much more content.

Poor baby.

I wish she didn’t have to go through that. Would that no one would, but I suppose it shapes character.

Still, that’s kind of bullshit. We can learn through happiness as much as we can through sorrow.

We just don’t.

Target: 1000 words
Written: 1872 words, novella: The Mungk

Read: Words For Pictures, Brian Michael Bendis
Comics; The Boys 17-20
Music: New York City Groove, Various Artists (but mostly for the Tom Waits)

still stuck

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I’m blowing this thing up like a goddamn volcano at an elementary school science fair and it still won’t budge.

What the fuck is down there?

Fucking pipes existing as real goddamned life metaphors.

What the fuck is stuck, so deep down inside?

Target: 900 words
Written: 1193 words, novella: The Mungk

Read: Robinson Crusoe, Daniel Defoe
Comics: Angelus 4-6
Music: New Sensations, Lou Reed

stuck plug

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My bathroom sink is suddenly completely plugged. Like, no drainage whatsoever.

Tried Drano, tried boiling water, snake, plunger, nothing but silt and shit coming up.

I’m not sure how; all that ever goes down there is toothpaste, and the occasional whiskers (and long blonde hair that I try to clean out of the trap.)

And yet, suddenly, today, like the rest of my day. Totally fucked.

Totally stuck.

Like me, seemingly forever.

Target: 900 words
Written: 1065 words, novella: The Mungk

Read: Robinson Crusoe, Daniel Defoe
Comics: Angelus: Pilot Season 1, Angelus 1-3
Music: New Order Essentials, New Order

what’s that pounding?

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Oh, yeah.

My fucking head.

Can one just be temporarily dead for a while? Like, skip me a few years until this neo-fascist bullshit is over?

Thanks.

Target: 900 words
Written: 749 words, novella: The Mungk

Read: Robinson Crusoe, Daniel Defoe
Comics: 100 Bullets: Lono 1-4
Music: New Maps Of Hell, Bad Religion

maybe i’ll just focus on enlightenment

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Like, let the world burn.

I’m just going to write and read and figure out how to be happy.

Maybe I’ll get it by the time I die of old age.

Maybe I’ll die before then and never know, but then, at least it will be over.

Target: 900 words
Written: 832 words, novella: The Mungk

Read: The Hepatitis Bathtub And Other Stories, NOFX
Comics: 100 Bullets 89-92
Music: New Born, Muse

taking a break

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The knowledge that we’re about to plunged into a hellscape has made me withdraw a little.

I was hoping we were finally done with these assholes, but nope. At least another four years (and who knows how much longer because the fuck wants to do away with elections) of them.

So, I’m taking a break. I’ve got probably a month or less before I’ve got a presentable version of The Mungk (at least, that’s the target). I’m going to focus on that for now before rejoining the fight in the only way I know how.

Writing, and not being a complete piece of shit.

I mean, I’m a little turd, but maybe there’s some leftover corn in me?

Anyway, not a total piece of shit, like those guys.

Fuck ’em. Fuck ’em forever.

Target: 900 words
Written: 331 words, novella: The Mungk

Read: The Hepatitis Bathtub And Other Stories, NOFX
Comics: 100 Bullets 85-88
Music: The New America, Bad Religion (I know, I know, not exactly comfort music given the situation, but hey, as a man raging against machines once said: anger is a gift.)

still processing

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I’ve mostly felt ill and drunk, like I’m outside reality.

All kinds of thoughts have screamed through my head, up to and including saying fuck it and snuffing it.

Who wants to live through that shit?

And I’d rather die than become one of them.

I won’t though, because that doesn’t let me protect my family and whoever else I can, even though that may not be something I’m able to do.

Focus on survival; focus on forward.

Focus on transcending.

Even if that means this life.

Target: 900 words
Written: 651 words, novella: The Mungk

Read: The Shining, Stephen King
Comics: 100 Bullets 81-84
Music: New Adventures In HI-FI, R.E.M.

i think i’d like to walk

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I almost misspelled that as talk. Freudian slip, anyone?

But I do mean walk. I’d like to throw some shit on, grab the only things important to me, and just start walking.

Just. Gone. Tramping down foreign roads with a backpack and a laptop, a Kindle full of books.

In peace. Listening to the birds sing.

Praying for nature to remain unsavage.

It’s savage enough out here.

Target: 900 words
Written: 466 words, novella: The Mungk

Read: The Shining, Stephen King
Comics: 100 Bullets 65-68
Music: Never Surrender (From Kickboxer), Stan Bush (if this is the best you got, surrender, immediately, because you suck)