portugal bound

We are on our way to the land of sardines and pastels.

My vet tech sister is watching my recovering pup, and I can only pray it doesn’t get any worse.

How could hell get any worse?

As a wise man once said.

Target: 1500 words
Written: 1680 words, short story: Never Worked That Hard

Read: The Tipping Point, Malcolm Gladwell
Comics: Fables: The Wolf Among Us 36-39
Music: 30 Years Live, Bad Religion

anyways

I’m thinking a lot about dead people today. Mostly, I think about how many people have come before me, and how many will come after, and how every single one of them will die, and maybe people remember them and maybe they don’t, for good reasons and bad, and there’s tragedy in that.

There’s tragedy in loss, but there’s also tragedy living a life in mourning.

It can feel like a whirlwind, like a pit, like a maelstrom rising out of the earth below your feet.

And yet, we still must live. It’s a wonder anything survives, for any length of time. The only joy is in childhood.

Target: 1500 words
Written: 1504 words, short story: Skeleton Park

Read: The Shooting Party, Anton Chekhov
Comics: Fables: The Wolf Among Us 21-24
Music: 23 Live Sex Acts, Against Me!

so yesterday was weird, eh?

I’m not religious by any means, but I do believe in a realistic spirituality.

There’s more in heaven and earth and all that. Of all of the religions I’ve studied, Taoism seems the most logical and least formal, as well as the most in line with my beliefs.

Buddhism is, as well, but there are formalities and sexism and dogma with that, which are all things I try and stay away from.

Meditation is something I do; not a formal belief system that requires me to behave a certain way.

Ursula Leguin inspired me to study more into the Tao; that last contained notes I made on the opening passage.

I thought I might share them over time. People can bite back, discuss, suggest, casually realign my thought process by pointing out where I’m mistaken, what I’ve missed, or perspectives I haven’t discovered yet.

Personally, I love that.

Perspective and presence are what it’s all about, really.

All that is good – empathy, compassion, the enjoyment of life – stems from such things.

And who knows what’s beyond it?

Target: 1500 words
Written: 817 words, comic: The Stuff 5

Read: The Broom Of The System, David Foster Wallace
Comics: Fables 141-143, Fairest 27
Music: Veni, Vidi, Vicious, The Hives (FUCK.  YEAH.)

taoing

Mitchell:

The tao that can be told
is not the eternal Tao.
The name that can be named
is not the eternal Name.

The unnamable is the eternally real.
Naming is the origin
of all particular things.

Free from desire, you realize the mystery.
Caught in desire, you see only the manifestations.

Yet mystery and manifestations
arise from the same source.
This source is called darkness.

Darkness within darkness.
The gateway to all understanding.

LeGuin:

The way you can go
isn’t the real way.
The name you can say
isn’t the real name.

Heaven and earth
begin in the unnamed;
name’s the mother
of the ten thousand things.

So the unwanting soul
sees what’s hidden,
and the ever-wanting soul
sees only what it wants.

Two things, one origin,
but different in name,
whose identity is mystery.
Mystery of all mysteries!
The door to the hidden.

Feng/English:

The Tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao.
The name that can be named is not the eternal name.
The nameless is the beginning of heaven and Earth.
The named is the mother of the ten thousand things.
Ever desireless, one can see the mystery.
Ever desiring, one sees the manifestations.
These two spring from the same source but differ in name;
this appears as darkness.
Darkness within darkness.
The gate to all mystery.

Legge:

The Dao that can be trodden is not the enduring and unchanging Dao.
The name that can be named is not the enduring and unchanging name.
(Conceived of as) having no name, it is the Originator of heaven and earth;
(conceived of as) having a name, it is the Mother of all things.
Always without desire we must be found,
if its deep mystery we would sound;
But if desire always within us be,
Its outer fringe is all that we shall see.
Under these two aspects, it is really the same; but as development takes place, it receives the different names.
Together we call them the mystery.
Where the Mystery is the deepest is the gate of all that is subtle and wonderful.

Susuki:

The Reason that can be reasoned is not the eternal Reason.
The name that can be named is not the eternal Name.
The Unnamable is of heaven and earth the beginning.
The Namable becomes of the ten thousand things the mother.
Therefore it is said: “He who desireless is found
The spiritual of the world will sound.
But he who by desire is bound
Sees the mere shell of things around.”
These two things are the same in source but different in name.
Their sameness is called a mystery.
Indeed, it is the mystery of mysteries.
Of all spirituality it is the door.

Goddard:

The Dao that can be understood cannot be the primal, or cosmic, Dao, just as an idea that can be expressed in words cannot be the infinite idea.
And yet this ineffable Dao was the source of all spirit and matter, and being expressed was the mother of all created things.
Therefore not to desire the things of sense is to know the freedom of spirituality; and to desire is to learn the limitation of matter.
These two things spirit and matter, so different in nature, have the same origin. This unity of origin is the mystery of mysteries, but it is the gateway to spirituality.

Notes:

Ironic how close this was to how Jay and I used to talk about nothing. You can’t describe nothing; the second you do, it becomes something. And yet, we all know what nothing is.

I’m not sure I like the darkness within darkness; it’s poetic, but Leguin’s mystery within mystery keeps the amorphous ethereal nature of it clear. I like Leguin’s version better here; Mitchell’s the name is the thing is too mystic.

The unwanting see the mystery because they’ve realized it’s not something that can be had, and yet, is everything; we both simultaneously can’t possess it, and yet, it’s part of everything. That’s the mystery, and it’s real.

When you think about where everything comes from… and how it got there; it’s analogous to Amatka, where things have to be named to keep form or they all fall back into the formlessness of the base element of creation.

All but our selves in that case, but in reality, we too, are a consequence of the Unmanifested. We are the named things, like everything around us. Only the unnamed, unmanifested, whatever, is not, nor could it be, because then, like nothing, it would be something. And yet, it’s everything.

The Feng-English translation is more cryptic, but I like that there’s not quite the same stigma on ever desiring as the Mitchell or Leguin versions. After all, desire is not necessarily bad. Mitchell and Leguin seem to suggest with their translation that if you’re desiring, you can’t see the Tao (the path, the way). You are somehow lesser than, more unenlightened.

The Feng-English translation is more straightforward; the two do not preclude each other. Desiring and seeing the manifestations (things as they are) are just part of it. Desireless, you see the mystery within a mystery, the darkness within darkness, (also, things as they really are), another part of it, that can connect you to the whole, not forgetting that the whole also includes desire and manifestation.

This is the key, the gate. When Leguin calls it the Aleph, she is not wrong.

Legge projects too much in trying to find rhymes; his version sounds more dictatorial, more of a mandate than a mystery. Like, you MUST be undesiring if you want any hope of finding the path, the way. Of finding the Tao.

But the Tao is everywhere and everything; its manifestations are not forever unchanging. They change, it’s all part of it. It’s all Tao, and that’s the kind of the point. Dropping the desire for it to be something specific is where one can get the full picture – that’s what undesiring gets you. But that Tao is in a diamond as it is in a lump of coal, as it is in us. It is all manifestation, all Tao. We accept it as it is to see that.

Mystery of mysteries again, in Susuki, though the idea of Reason being the analog for the Way is like Rand redux, and so, not exactly much of a thought for me. We’ve all seen how that’s worked out.

Selfishness as virtue? It was practically begging to be co-opted by the truly greedy to justify all their shitty behaviour, while missing the point entirely of an independent mind. Logic would not surely avoid every man for himself.

Anyway, outside the point here.

I like Susuki’s note about being bound by desire seeing only the shell; he brings it back to completeness by noting it’s all the same source.

Again, the rhyming. I somehow doubt that’s in the original.

I don’t like Goddard’s version of putting all understanding of Tao beyond our reach (because it’s not; it just can’t be expressed). I do like his use of word ineffable, and I love the idea that “being expressed was the mother of all created things”.

Like there’s this great thing behind the thing, not of the thing, under and through it, all around it, it is it itself, and when it is expressed, it births everything we see. It’s a joyful thought. I also adore the idea that in our desire for things, we learn the limitations of matter. Each is only a piece of the whole, and therefore limited, and yet, being of the whole, entirely infinite.

Such is the Tao.

Target: 1500 words
Written: 695 words, comic: The Stuff #4

Read: The Robber Bridegroom, Eudora Welty
Comics: Fairest 24-26, Fables 140
Music: 20/20 Division, Anti-Flag

why are some things so bad?

Like this insanely bad commercial for Tim Hortons (which admittedly, is awful at basically everything).

How does something get that bad?

We talk about the human condition, and human potential, which I’ve been thinking about a lot lately because of The Stuff, and I think…

How is that someone’s potential? To make a fucking TERRIBLE commercial with an AWFUL jingle for BAD food? That’s what you chose for your life?

Fuck, man. I know I’m no great shakes, but shit. I’m not I-make-ads-that-the-MOST-mediocre-can-look-down-on bad.

Right?

Target: 1400 words
Written: 495 words, comic: The Stuff 3

Read: Full Catastrophe Living, Jon Kabat-Zinn
Comics: Fables 128-129, Fairest 14-15
Music: June 26, 1999, Metro/Smart Bar, Local H

absolution

I don’t think we get absolution in this life. All we do is all we are, and it never stops coming back to haunt us.

All it takes is a flicker; the pit opens. Guilt consumes.

Things said. Things done.

Things not done. Things not said.

Roads not taken and all that good shit. Roads taken, but driven with the speed of a maniacal drunk, or a fugitive with no regard for life or limb.

I do not believe in sorry forever. I do believe in sorry now.

There is no absolution, even in forgiveness.

Target: 1400 words
Written: 317 words, comic: The Stuff #3

Read: Full Catastrophe Living, Jon Kabat-Zinn
Comics: Fables 126-127, Fairest 12-13
Music: February 22, 1994, Palaghiaccio, Rome, Nirvana (and thus ends, for now, my collection of Nirvana bootlegs)

sellin’

I was reading old posts (Christ, 2024 Empty, what the fuck were you thinking?) and I still haven’t figured it out.

How the fuck do I get people to buy my stuff without having to go full social media whore or pretend to be something I’m not?

People both love and hate preachy; see Tolle, Eckhart.

But I hate it. I’d rather be honest (even if I’m not always) and show warts and say, here, I did something cool!

Or better yet, take myself fully out of the equation.

Here’s a cool thing. Enjoy!

Don’t worry about the man behind the mask. We never used to.

Now, it’s up to us to be paragons, or be cancelled.

Unfortunately, only one of those things is ever actually possible. Anything else is a fucking act.

PR to stave off the betrayal when we find out we aren’t actually perfect.

Flawed in private, public perfection. Fuck that. I’m perfectly imperfect, and proud of it.

It’s the only way we ever could be. It’s only how we feel about that fact that makes a difference.

Target: 1400 words
Written: 1267 words, comic: The Stuff #2

Read: Secrets And Lies: Digital Security In A Networked World, Bruce Schneier (we're into the weeds now)
Comics: Fables 122-123, Fairest 8-9
Music: November 1994, Astoria Theatre, London, Beck (bet you thought it was going to be Nirvana)

do you have it?

I don’t, I don’t think.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the right stuff, the thing that makes astronauts what they are.

This is due to the series I’m writing right now, wherein I question the nature of the stuff and show it’s not innate; it’s learned.

And unlearned.

Do I have it?

I don’t know.

We’ll know by the time I’m dead, I guess.

Or not. That’s the way of the stuff. You never really know until you’re in it.

Am I in it?

I doubt it.

Target: 1400 words
Written: 402 words, comic: The Stuff #2

Read: Secrets And Lies: Digital Security In A Networked World, Bruce Schneier
Comics: Fairest 4-5, Fables 119-120
Music: June 26, 1992, Roskilde Festival, Nirvana

i pull a card every day

It’s a wishful thinking thing, like a horoscope, but more personal.

Today was supposed to be a good day.

And it had its moments.

But mostly, I wanted to fall asleep. To do the few things I needed to do (read, write, sex, etc.) and go the fuck to sleep.

I did edit. And I read, a little. Not as much as I’d like. If I want to do any better at it, I’ll have to do it before bed.

Which I hate.

I’m already exhausted. Why rush it? Of course, if I don’t do it, it establishes precedent. Starts a habit. You know how in your mind, once you do something, even once, it becomes possible to do it again and again? The whole four minute mile thing, and sadly, acts of evil. Do it once and you know you’re capable of it.

Do it again, and well…

Let’s just say Donald has practice. This doesn’t happen overnight. His soul is as warped as a soul can possibly be.

But let’s not think about him. I have a couple more issues of Fables I’d like to read…

Target: 1400 words
Written: 2017 words, comic: The Stuff

Read: Secrets And Lies: Digital Security In A Networked World, Bruce Schneier (fascinating stuff - never know I could be so into cryptology, outside of Digital Fortress)
Comics: Fables 110-113
Music: August 27, 1991, Aladin, Bremen, Nirvana

rage

I had ideas about what to write today, but things went so far off the rails, from taking a coatrack to the head, being utterly abandoned by anyone and everyone and just the universe, doing its complete fucking of me, again and again.

I need to stay off social media. They’ve gone looney tunes down south and my blood pressure is through the roof.

Target: 1400 words
Written: 4500 words

Read: Secrets And Lies: Digital Security In A Networked World, Bruce Schneier (prophetic and interesting, as a time capsule during a time I would have been a lamer script kiddie)
Comics: Fables 107-109, Jack Of Fables 50
Music: November 25, 1990, Off Ramp, Seattle, Nirvana