albufeira

Nice place. Affogato and ice cream on the best, which is a crazy orange. Pretty cool.

We’re getting around okay, even with the cobblestones. Great dinner, watched the opening ceremonies of Milano Cortina, which was amazing, because I didn’t realize the room was filled with almost entirely Canadians until we were introduced and the place blew up.

I’m not particularly patriotic, but I’ll admit.

It choked me up. I’m kind of proud.

Target: 1500 words
Written: 1097 words, short story: Never Worked That Hard

Read: The Tipping Point, Malcolm Gladwell
Comics: Fables: The Wolf Among Us 44-47
Music: 4 Future Tracks, Spacehog

have you consider shooting yourself today?

Because I have.

I won’t (and you shouldn’t either).

I don’t own a gun, and never will. Personally, I don’t think we should shoot anyone. I think guns should disappear into quaint relics of a dark past.

But I’ve still thought about it.

Anyway, don’t.

Release the Epstein files instead.

I’ve been thinking too much about loss and dead people.

Thank Tao my dog is going to be okay.

Target: 1500 words
Written: 1476 words, short story: Skeleton Park

Read: The Tipping Point, Malcolm Gladwell
Comics: Fables 150, Fables: The Wolf Among Us 33-35
Music: 3 Years, 5 Months And 2 Days..., Arrested Development

sick to my stomach

At first, it was stress for my baby girl, but it turns out, she’s going to be okay. She’ll have to learn balance all over again, and she still walks like a drunk on black ice, but she’s going to live.

It sucks for her, but we were so not ready to lose another one.

What really made me sick was making the mistake of reading some of the Epstein emails.

America, either you’ve got incredible self-control, unbelievable cowardice or unmitigated depravity, but how you have picked up the torches and pitchforks and marched on the homes and offices of every single billionaire or politician named in those files is beyond me.

I suspect it’s a matter of all three, but holy hell. If you haven’t read these things, you should know it’s so much worse than you could ever imagine. Fiction isn’t that inhuman and sadistic.

An anger came up from somewhere absolutely primal reading some of these excerpts. I’m absolutely abhorred. It makes me ill.

These monsters aren’t human.

Target: 1500 words
Written: 898 words, short story: Skeleton Park

Read: The Tipping Point, Malcolm Gladwell
Comics: Fables: The Wolf Among Us 29-32
Music: 3, Violent Femmes

pending doom?

Carney made a fantastic speech about middle countries banding together; Denmark and the other Nordic countries told Trump to pound salt, and the Americans are about to consume themselves in vitriol.

Over the tantrums of a dementia patient whose impulse control is worse than an ADHD toddler.

Good thing we’ve got an epic snowstorm on the way as well.

Man, these are wild times, screaming wilder all the time.

Target: 1500 words
Written: 863 words, comic: The Stuff 4

Read: The Robber Bridegroom, Eudora Welty
Comics: Fairest 22-23, Fables 138-139
Music: 20/20, The Beach Boys

you still have to write stuff

And read.

And write.

And submit.

And follow up.

And debate whether it’s worth putting up stories on literary sites for critique when idiot admins are only going to fail to recognize that the misogynist is the BAD GUY. Seriously, I’ve two other stories I’d like to put up on Wattpad, one about a woman who gets revenge on a guy who kills a girl for rejecting him and another about a man who rants on how terrible his wife is, only to realize his neglect, infidelity and emotional abuse has caused her to commit suicide.

These are not ambiguous stories, in terms of who the bad guy is.

But I’m afraid, since Get Back Again was pulled, because whoever complained and whoever was responsible for reviewing the claim saw the story and missed the fucking point.

THE BAD GUY IS THE POV.

HE’S THE FUCKING BAD GUY.

It’s not a manifesto; it’s a bad dude who’s perspective is that he’s a good guy.

We’re all the heroes of our own stories, isn’t that the platitude?

Apparently, no one told them.

If it’s not a werewolf or vampire bad boy romance, they don’t care.

Target: 1400 words
Written: 3687 words, comic: The Stuff #3

Read: Full Catastrophe Living, Jon Kabat-Zinn
Comics: Fables 130-131, Fairest 16, The Unwritten 50
Music: 2+2=5, Radiohead

it’s all popping off, isn’t it?

What’s it going to take to put a stop to these assholes?

Fear. Personal, individual fear on the part of the agents, senators, representatives, “journalists”, etc., that work for them.

Threaten them personally, because they’re most in it for their own selfish cruelty, and that will make them hesitant to do what the orange Fuhrer demands.

Threaten them financially. Expose their shady acts. Make it so they can’t go out to eat without protestors.

And if Trump continues to go full Hitler…

Go Jack Kirby on ’em.

How far does this have to go? How long before billionaires and their enablers are being dragged from their houses? Civil war is not unavoidable – some sanity from the people on the right who can turn still would do it.

Stand up, assholes. No one wants the world to plunge into World War 3.

Break with dementia Don, and do the right fucking thing for once in your meager existence. Go back to your grift after, once things have settled.

Or maybe, learn something from this, and realize.

YOU’RE THE FUCKING BAD GUYS.

Target: 1400 words
Written: 459 words, comic: The Stuff #2

Read: Secrets And Lies: Digital Security In A Networked World, Bruce Schneier
Comics: Fairest 2-3, Fables 117-118
Music: December 28, 1991, Pat O'Brien Pavilion, Del Mar, Nirvana

minneapolis

Jesus Christ.

ICE is a terrorist organization.

Motherfuckers.

Target: 1400 words
Written: 517 words, comic: The Stuff #1

Read: Secrets And Lies: Digital Security In A Networked World, Bruce Schneier
Comics: Fables 114-116, Fairest 1
Music: November 25, 1991, Paradiso, Amsterdam, Nirvana

i pull a card every day

It’s a wishful thinking thing, like a horoscope, but more personal.

Today was supposed to be a good day.

And it had its moments.

But mostly, I wanted to fall asleep. To do the few things I needed to do (read, write, sex, etc.) and go the fuck to sleep.

I did edit. And I read, a little. Not as much as I’d like. If I want to do any better at it, I’ll have to do it before bed.

Which I hate.

I’m already exhausted. Why rush it? Of course, if I don’t do it, it establishes precedent. Starts a habit. You know how in your mind, once you do something, even once, it becomes possible to do it again and again? The whole four minute mile thing, and sadly, acts of evil. Do it once and you know you’re capable of it.

Do it again, and well…

Let’s just say Donald has practice. This doesn’t happen overnight. His soul is as warped as a soul can possibly be.

But let’s not think about him. I have a couple more issues of Fables I’d like to read…

Target: 1400 words
Written: 2017 words, comic: The Stuff

Read: Secrets And Lies: Digital Security In A Networked World, Bruce Schneier (fascinating stuff - never know I could be so into cryptology, outside of Digital Fortress)
Comics: Fables 110-113
Music: August 27, 1991, Aladin, Bremen, Nirvana

rage

I had ideas about what to write today, but things went so far off the rails, from taking a coatrack to the head, being utterly abandoned by anyone and everyone and just the universe, doing its complete fucking of me, again and again.

I need to stay off social media. They’ve gone looney tunes down south and my blood pressure is through the roof.

Target: 1400 words
Written: 4500 words

Read: Secrets And Lies: Digital Security In A Networked World, Bruce Schneier (prophetic and interesting, as a time capsule during a time I would have been a lamer script kiddie)
Comics: Fables 107-109, Jack Of Fables 50
Music: November 25, 1990, Off Ramp, Seattle, Nirvana

perspective

I always miss the point.

I don’t know why. It can be staring me stark in the face from six inches away and I’ll crane my neck to look around it, to see what’s on the other side.

I guess it’s a matter of perspective. I spent a lot of years with none, and now, to rectify that, I’ve gone whole hog the other direction.

The other side of the road. The alternate view. The real truth – yours, mine and reality, from as many angles as I can scope.

And it’s blinding.

The funny thing is, this isn’t about overanalysis. A lot of people might interpret this as second-guessing or lack of confidence or whatever, and maybe to some extent, that’s the case.

But mostly it’s about being burned, over and over again, by a lack of insight.

Like right now.

I’m about to fire an asshole, over the accusation that he touched a woman’s bum. He sits in front of me, all hang-dogged in his expression, his big brown eyes threatening tears. His hands are folded in his lap, and they fidget as only the guilty can. Or the innocent, who don’t know why they’re there, but know it’s bad.

The assumption is guilt, but it could go either way. Would he protest more if he were innocent or guilty? Would I be able to tell the difference? Tone of voice, waver, urgency. Would I recognize crocodile tears? Doth he protest too much?

Most of upper management wanted him gone the same day without even cursory examination. A show of strength. For the females in the group, a show of solidarity. For the men, a desire not to show sympathy for the acts of an accused molester.

It’s all optics. Political correctness and “action” as a substitute for facts and discovery. Talking points, the surrogate, in the place of judgment, made in bluster about the ‘right thing’; in reality, about not getting sued or cancelled. Protect the bottom line, at all costs.

Me?

I can’t let it go without perspective. I believe that we start neutral and ask questions and work toward the truth. That starting with an assumption of guilt predisposes us to dismiss evidence that suggests otherwise, and limits our desire to seek out the truth.

Starting with an assumption of innocence can do the same. It’s not terribly fair to the victim, especially if they are a victim. It’s hard to feel good about accusing someone who’s been wronged of exaggeration or deceit.

On the other hand, if they are lying… I know it’s not popular to assume they are, but it does happen. More often than I think we care to admit. You’ve met people, right? They lie.

Of course, if you have to start with one or the other, innocence is the way to go. Better to believe in the inherent goodness of people than not.

Anyway, there’s this fucker, running around, wanton hands on the behinds of unsuspecting women, or so his accusers would have us believe, without examination or skepticism. I choose investigation. Questions. Find the truth so the truth can out.

It wasn’t a popular decision, but like I said, I need perspective. I’ve been told how unfair this is to the victim, that she should be listened to with unwavering belief, as though she’s God, and we’re the Catholic faithful.

But I’m agnostic.

If we’re about to destroy a man; perhaps a suspension of all disbelief is not the best method to do so. After all, the guy is married. He has two children, both toddlers. If found guilty, he has to go home to his wife and children and tell them he lost his job – for sexually assaulting a woman. Maybe he lies to them, but there’s lots of mutual friends; the truth will out eventually. It always does.

And then what?

Does his wife forgive him? Does she leave him? Does she take the children? Do the children grow up with angry, divorced parents or without a father because of one unwanted hand on someone’s behind?

Does he lose his house, his car, his family? Does he end up broke and homeless, on the street, shunned by friends and family alike, unhireable by any company that doesn’t want to risk a potential rapist in their midst?

A life destroyed. For a hand on a butt.

Multiple lives destroyed. Collateral damage. Innocent lives destroyed. Children’s lives.

For a hand on a butt.

The woman will go on. She’ll forget about this in a week or two, when things settle, and she’ll go back to her life in her cubicle with her friends and her new boss.

Oh yeah. Did I mention he’s her boss?

Yeah. Super shitty.

If legit.

Anyway, the woman will go back to friends and family and work and maybe some other man’s hand on her ass, and chances are, little will change for her. She might get creeped out at the thought of this guy if it comes up. She might be kind of skeeved.

He, on the other hand, may be on the street. He may lose everything, while the extent of her trauma is an uncomfortable memory, from time to time.

Proportion becomes a word to think about.

Proportion and perspective.

While the masses howl for blood, I ask questions. Compare and contrast. Weigh options. Consider motive, as well as action.

Who brought the charge?

The woman did. She was pushed into it by her boyfriend who also works in the space, and by his boss. She told us as much.

That’s interesting.

In her interview, she openly admitted to flirting with the accused and not actually wanting to speak with HR. Her boyfriend insisted.

The boyfriend has a history with other women in the building. He’s taken them to HR more than once to resolve some petty dispute, rarely work related. At times, he’s used the threat of discipline and termination to keep an ex-lover away from him, even as he texted them for a booty call that night. He’s used HR to separate lovers he didn’t want to know about each other. He’s promised no more contact with former flames, only to re-engage immediately. More than once, the full story was shrouded in obfuscation.

Motive. Past tactics.

Half-truth for revenge on possible rival?

What about the boyfriend’s boss, who backed the allegation, though not a direct witness?

Similar rival. The accused was involved with a friend of his. Both were married. Suspicions of emotional cheating. A lot of texts and flirting. The boyfriend’s boss, then only co-worker, was livid with moral outrage, despite his similar behaviour with another employee, also married. The boyfriend’s boss isn’t exactly known for his ability to keep his pen out of the company ink. Indeed, the boys’ club, locker room bullshit is how he got promoted in the first place.

Motive again. Revenge is an aphrodisiac.

Alternate perspective. Assume good will.

Boyfriend genuinely upset about sexual assault on girlfriend. Girlfriend hesitant to report, due to stigma or concerns about backlash or believability. Boyfriend leverages boss. Boom. Human Resources.

Justice.

Or…

Motives of jealousy and general dislike, an accuser uncertain about making accusation, who actively admits to both flirting and enjoying said flirtation. Exaggeration or intentional deception?

Misread signals? Overzealous overture?

Inappropriate act.

Perhaps the word proportion needs to return.

Re-assignment? Demotion? Discipline? Isolation? Suspension?

Boyfriend makes threats of police involvement. The issue is being pushed. I can feel the twine pull tight around my hands. Still.

Still.

Innocent until proven guilty.

And if guilty? To what degree? Will his accusers laugh to themselves, smug and satisfied, as my judgment gives their drama legitimacy? What if their drama is false? What if it’s not true?

The man’s on the street. Dead in a gutter. Victim of the drink.

Or maybe none of that. Maybe his wife forgives him with open arms, knows he’s innocent, and he’s employed in days, if not hours.

Like I said. Perspective. Knowledge. Speculation. Too many ways to look at it. Could be the guy’s a real creep. Definite possibility. Hasn’t come across that way in the past, but he is over-friendly, with everyone.

So many ways to see it. So much information.

I’ve always been jealous of those who charge forward, heedless of reality.

A witness comes out. Heavyset girl, teammate of the plaintiff. Best friend. Says she saw the whole thing.

Funny. We were told there were no witnesses. Plaintiff versus defendant, alone, in the library with the candlestick. He said. She said.

The witness is the best friend. Convenient, but no way to refute.

There’s a whiff in the air.

But here we are.

With this guy.

This fucking guy.

The only thing we can do hangs in the air. And my time is running out.

I lean in, my fingers crossed on the table before me. My voice, laden with gravitas.

“I’m sorry, son. We have no choice but to let you go…”

Target: 1400 words
Written: 504 words, short story: Perspective

Read: The Catcher In The Rye, J.D. Salinger
Comics: Fables 101, Cinderella: Fables Are Forever 1-3
Music: February 11, 1990, Cactus Club, San Jose, Nirvana