heartburn, round two

Weirdly, I ate super light yesterday, but did have a customary glass of red wine, as one does, on Sundays.

We drink red wine on Sundays, or so my father-in-law tells me.

He’s also a man who feeds his other daughter ice cream and Coke for dinner on a regular basis, so he’s not exactly the sommelier we look for.

But still, for some reason we do it (and I do love a good red), but it seems to have triggered a relapse from the night before’s horrid gastrointestinal adventures, and now, I sit, having lost another couple of hours of wondrous sleep.

Plus some weird fuckin’ dreams.

Weird fuckin’ dreams, man.

I liked the ones I had before the acid set in; The Last Showgirl apparently wormed its way into my subconscious in the forms of Song and Ship.

Sorry, honey. It was involuntary. I can’t be held responsible for what my unconscious mind dredges up.

Target: 1400 words
Written: 3315 words, comic: The Stuff 4

Read: Full Catastrophe Living, Jon Kabat-Zinn (we're livin' the full catastrophe, all right)
Comics: Fables 135-137, Fairest 21
Music: 20 Years Of Hell, Vol IV, Anti-Flag/One If By Land

shocking

Our niece facetimed us tonight.

She never facetimes us. She barely texts.

Miracles do happen.

We love that kid.

Target: 1400 words
Written: 694 words, comics: The Stuff #3

Read: Full Catastrophe Living, Jon Kabat-Zinn
Comics: Fairest 17-18, The Unwritten 51, Fables 132
Music: 20 Years Of Hell, Vol I, Anti-Flag/World's Scariest Police Chases (they call him ROBOCOP)

absolution

I don’t think we get absolution in this life. All we do is all we are, and it never stops coming back to haunt us.

All it takes is a flicker; the pit opens. Guilt consumes.

Things said. Things done.

Things not done. Things not said.

Roads not taken and all that good shit. Roads taken, but driven with the speed of a maniacal drunk, or a fugitive with no regard for life or limb.

I do not believe in sorry forever. I do believe in sorry now.

There is no absolution, even in forgiveness.

Target: 1400 words
Written: 317 words, comic: The Stuff #3

Read: Full Catastrophe Living, Jon Kabat-Zinn
Comics: Fables 126-127, Fairest 12-13
Music: February 22, 1994, Palaghiaccio, Rome, Nirvana (and thus ends, for now, my collection of Nirvana bootlegs)

for a writer, i don’t write good

Or rather, I think I write well, okay at best, but I rarely know what I want to say. I read other books with these incredible telling details or unbelievable insights into the human condition and I think, why not me?

What am I saying that’s not been said before?

I suppose there’s something to be said on saying something that has been said in a different way, and different voices reaching different people in different ways, but yeah.

I always wanted to be original. Unique. At the vanguard of something new.

But I don’t know what. It’s the essence of constrained – having something inside of you building like a new big bang, but being so essentially weak of spirit as to be unable to unleash it into the void.

And that’s what out there – void.

No one reads my shit because I don’t promote my shit. I’m Holden Caulfield, if he lived now and on social media. If he thought he hated phonies before, man, wait until he gets a load of Instagram and Twitter.

He’d be dead before the day was out.

I was eased into it, and despite knowing these are the tools I require to be successful in today’s age, I am increasingly convinced that social media needs to be phased out of my life, and out of existence entirely, if we are to survive.

Otherwise, none of us may last the day.

Target: 1400 words
Written: 1476 words, comic: The Stuff #1

Read: Secrets And Lies: Digital Security In A Networked World, Bruce Schneier
Comics: Fables 103-106
Music: August 17, 1990, Palladium, Hollywood, Nirvana

perspective

I always miss the point.

I don’t know why. It can be staring me stark in the face from six inches away and I’ll crane my neck to look around it, to see what’s on the other side.

I guess it’s a matter of perspective. I spent a lot of years with none, and now, to rectify that, I’ve gone whole hog the other direction.

The other side of the road. The alternate view. The real truth – yours, mine and reality, from as many angles as I can scope.

And it’s blinding.

The funny thing is, this isn’t about overanalysis. A lot of people might interpret this as second-guessing or lack of confidence or whatever, and maybe to some extent, that’s the case.

But mostly it’s about being burned, over and over again, by a lack of insight.

Like right now.

I’m about to fire an asshole, over the accusation that he touched a woman’s bum. He sits in front of me, all hang-dogged in his expression, his big brown eyes threatening tears. His hands are folded in his lap, and they fidget as only the guilty can. Or the innocent, who don’t know why they’re there, but know it’s bad.

The assumption is guilt, but it could go either way. Would he protest more if he were innocent or guilty? Would I be able to tell the difference? Tone of voice, waver, urgency. Would I recognize crocodile tears? Doth he protest too much?

Most of upper management wanted him gone the same day without even cursory examination. A show of strength. For the females in the group, a show of solidarity. For the men, a desire not to show sympathy for the acts of an accused molester.

It’s all optics. Political correctness and “action” as a substitute for facts and discovery. Talking points, the surrogate, in the place of judgment, made in bluster about the ‘right thing’; in reality, about not getting sued or cancelled. Protect the bottom line, at all costs.

Me?

I can’t let it go without perspective. I believe that we start neutral and ask questions and work toward the truth. That starting with an assumption of guilt predisposes us to dismiss evidence that suggests otherwise, and limits our desire to seek out the truth.

Starting with an assumption of innocence can do the same. It’s not terribly fair to the victim, especially if they are a victim. It’s hard to feel good about accusing someone who’s been wronged of exaggeration or deceit.

On the other hand, if they are lying… I know it’s not popular to assume they are, but it does happen. More often than I think we care to admit. You’ve met people, right? They lie.

Of course, if you have to start with one or the other, innocence is the way to go. Better to believe in the inherent goodness of people than not.

Anyway, there’s this fucker, running around, wanton hands on the behinds of unsuspecting women, or so his accusers would have us believe, without examination or skepticism. I choose investigation. Questions. Find the truth so the truth can out.

It wasn’t a popular decision, but like I said, I need perspective. I’ve been told how unfair this is to the victim, that she should be listened to with unwavering belief, as though she’s God, and we’re the Catholic faithful.

But I’m agnostic.

If we’re about to destroy a man; perhaps a suspension of all disbelief is not the best method to do so. After all, the guy is married. He has two children, both toddlers. If found guilty, he has to go home to his wife and children and tell them he lost his job – for sexually assaulting a woman. Maybe he lies to them, but there’s lots of mutual friends; the truth will out eventually. It always does.

And then what?

Does his wife forgive him? Does she leave him? Does she take the children? Do the children grow up with angry, divorced parents or without a father because of one unwanted hand on someone’s behind?

Does he lose his house, his car, his family? Does he end up broke and homeless, on the street, shunned by friends and family alike, unhireable by any company that doesn’t want to risk a potential rapist in their midst?

A life destroyed. For a hand on a butt.

Multiple lives destroyed. Collateral damage. Innocent lives destroyed. Children’s lives.

For a hand on a butt.

The woman will go on. She’ll forget about this in a week or two, when things settle, and she’ll go back to her life in her cubicle with her friends and her new boss.

Oh yeah. Did I mention he’s her boss?

Yeah. Super shitty.

If legit.

Anyway, the woman will go back to friends and family and work and maybe some other man’s hand on her ass, and chances are, little will change for her. She might get creeped out at the thought of this guy if it comes up. She might be kind of skeeved.

He, on the other hand, may be on the street. He may lose everything, while the extent of her trauma is an uncomfortable memory, from time to time.

Proportion becomes a word to think about.

Proportion and perspective.

While the masses howl for blood, I ask questions. Compare and contrast. Weigh options. Consider motive, as well as action.

Who brought the charge?

The woman did. She was pushed into it by her boyfriend who also works in the space, and by his boss. She told us as much.

That’s interesting.

In her interview, she openly admitted to flirting with the accused and not actually wanting to speak with HR. Her boyfriend insisted.

The boyfriend has a history with other women in the building. He’s taken them to HR more than once to resolve some petty dispute, rarely work related. At times, he’s used the threat of discipline and termination to keep an ex-lover away from him, even as he texted them for a booty call that night. He’s used HR to separate lovers he didn’t want to know about each other. He’s promised no more contact with former flames, only to re-engage immediately. More than once, the full story was shrouded in obfuscation.

Motive. Past tactics.

Half-truth for revenge on possible rival?

What about the boyfriend’s boss, who backed the allegation, though not a direct witness?

Similar rival. The accused was involved with a friend of his. Both were married. Suspicions of emotional cheating. A lot of texts and flirting. The boyfriend’s boss, then only co-worker, was livid with moral outrage, despite his similar behaviour with another employee, also married. The boyfriend’s boss isn’t exactly known for his ability to keep his pen out of the company ink. Indeed, the boys’ club, locker room bullshit is how he got promoted in the first place.

Motive again. Revenge is an aphrodisiac.

Alternate perspective. Assume good will.

Boyfriend genuinely upset about sexual assault on girlfriend. Girlfriend hesitant to report, due to stigma or concerns about backlash or believability. Boyfriend leverages boss. Boom. Human Resources.

Justice.

Or…

Motives of jealousy and general dislike, an accuser uncertain about making accusation, who actively admits to both flirting and enjoying said flirtation. Exaggeration or intentional deception?

Misread signals? Overzealous overture?

Inappropriate act.

Perhaps the word proportion needs to return.

Re-assignment? Demotion? Discipline? Isolation? Suspension?

Boyfriend makes threats of police involvement. The issue is being pushed. I can feel the twine pull tight around my hands. Still.

Still.

Innocent until proven guilty.

And if guilty? To what degree? Will his accusers laugh to themselves, smug and satisfied, as my judgment gives their drama legitimacy? What if their drama is false? What if it’s not true?

The man’s on the street. Dead in a gutter. Victim of the drink.

Or maybe none of that. Maybe his wife forgives him with open arms, knows he’s innocent, and he’s employed in days, if not hours.

Like I said. Perspective. Knowledge. Speculation. Too many ways to look at it. Could be the guy’s a real creep. Definite possibility. Hasn’t come across that way in the past, but he is over-friendly, with everyone.

So many ways to see it. So much information.

I’ve always been jealous of those who charge forward, heedless of reality.

A witness comes out. Heavyset girl, teammate of the plaintiff. Best friend. Says she saw the whole thing.

Funny. We were told there were no witnesses. Plaintiff versus defendant, alone, in the library with the candlestick. He said. She said.

The witness is the best friend. Convenient, but no way to refute.

There’s a whiff in the air.

But here we are.

With this guy.

This fucking guy.

The only thing we can do hangs in the air. And my time is running out.

I lean in, my fingers crossed on the table before me. My voice, laden with gravitas.

“I’m sorry, son. We have no choice but to let you go…”

Target: 1400 words
Written: 504 words, short story: Perspective

Read: The Catcher In The Rye, J.D. Salinger
Comics: Fables 101, Cinderella: Fables Are Forever 1-3
Music: February 11, 1990, Cactus Club, San Jose, Nirvana

2026

Well, a relaxing night last night amidst weird changes – I’ve become convinced I’ll be rewriting the penultimate scene before the climax and epilogue of Boor & Aghast. We’re enforcing sobriety on someone, in the hopes that they won’t kill themselves or others driving.

We’ve lost most of our friends, inexplicably, and the ones who’ve stuck with us are true.

I’m not sure what the rumour mill is, or the allegation, or whether it’s just people tired of me not kowtowing to right or left wing hardlines, despite being entirely anti-Trump.

Sorry, but outrage is a terrible way to live, and proportion is a conversation that must be had.

We end people’s lives over stuff that isn’t actually all that traumatic. A micro-aggression is no reason to blow somebody up. It’s a polite conversation for understanding; not a social media smear campaign designed to destroy families, careers, relationships, and ultimately, probably radicalize the individual in the opposite direction.

If a kid swears in front of his parents, we don’t treat them like a murderer; we talk to them about the appropriate use of language.

Perspective and proportion, always. You don’t use a tank when a flyswatter will do.

Anyway, happy new year; here’s hoping this is the year some sanity returns.

Target: 1400 words
Written: 765 words, short story: Perspective

Read: The Catcher In The Rye, J.D. Salinger
Comics: Fables 99-100, Jack Of Fables 48-49
Music: 1989, Taylor Swift (I have great memories of garage dance parties with my niece to Shake It Off, so don't be haters - I love that kid, and she's the reason my algorithm skews to Swift, Rodrigo and Eilish)

jane says

“Jane?”

I roll over in bed. The fog of sleep squeezes my forehead. My eyes struggle to adjust to the light. “What’s the matter?”

My voice is a whisper in the dark. I can’t see Jane properly, but she’s sitting up. The outline of her body is a slate silhouette against the headboard.

“Honey?” I say a little louder and reach my hand over to her side of the bed. It lands on her knee. She doesn’t move. I shake her leg, gently, at first, then with a touch of vigour. She doesn’t budge. There’s a kind of lull in the arc of her head as it bobs down. “Babe.”

Jane doesn’t respond. My teeth grind in frustration. This isn’t the first time she’s done something like this.

“Really? You’re still mad about earlier?” I shake my head.

Again, no response.

“You know I didn’t mean nothing by it. I just wish you’d be a little cooler, you know? Sometimes.”

A car speeds past outside. Its headlights cut a jagged silhouette across the ceiling. Jane’s faced away. Head down.

“I mean, it’s not that you’re not a good wife or whatever. It’s just, sometimes, you pick at me. And we aren’t as, uh, intimate, as we used to be.”

I pull my hand back from her knee. The sullen shape next to me sits in silence. In my mind, in the darkness, her arms are crossed, her lips pursed and pouting. I know what this is about. This goddamn shit again. The bitch doesn’t trust me.

“Listen, what Lisa said don’t mean nothing. I mean, I know you think there’s something there, but I swear to you, there’s not. It’s just… listen. She’s got a nice figure. That’s all I meant by what I said. And then you started with the cheating talk and I was only trying to explain myself. I love you. I mean that. But she’s a pretty girl and sometimes, a pretty girl starts talking to you and you don’t really think and that’s when you get in trouble.”

I breathe in deep. Around me, shadows loom out of the furniture, from behind lamps and dressers and pillows stacked in the corner. There’s a weird scent to the room, familiar, but out of place.

“I mean, I guess you’re right. I shouldn’t have been talking to her like that. It wasn’t flirting, I swear, but I can see your point. But she shouldn’t have told you. She’s your friend. If she didn’t want nothing to do with me, I mean, if she were getting the wrong impression, she should’ve said so. I didn’t mean nothing by it. Instead, she’s gotta start shit between us.”

It’s a sort of sharp smell, but subtle.

“I know I should’ve told you. But it wasn’t a thing, not to me! I didn’t think I did nothing wrong. How was I to know she was gonna make a big deal out of it?”

I roll onto my side and place my fingers on Jane’s shoulder.

“Anyway, I’m sorry. You’re right and I’m wrong and I’ll make it up to you,” I roll my eyes. “I won’t talk to Lisa no more, that’s for sure. Who knows what kind of crazy shit she’ll make up next?”

Jane sits unmoving, a statue in the night.

“Not that it was all made up, but you know. Exaggerated, probably. I don’t know exactly what she said to you but knowing her, she probably made it sound way worse than it actually was.”

Jane’s eyes point down at her lap, inscrutable in the darkness.

“Jane, honey. You gotta say something.”

Silence.

“Come on already. Speak up.”

I snatch my fingers back from her shoulder and shake my head. It only takes an instant for the rage to well up inside me. I’m so fucking tired of this shit. Enough’s enough.

“You know what? Fuck this. You always fucking do this. Something happens you don’t like and all of a sudden, I’m the worst fucking person in the whole wide world! And then I gotta sit there and listen to you go on and on and give me the fucking silent treatment because you don’t trust me for shit.”

The mattress bounces as I sit up and lean back against the headboard, arms crossed.

“So what, I said your friend had a nice body. So what? That’s not my fault. It’s true. I see her, jogging through the neighbourhood. She works out at the gym. She looks good. When’s the last time you went for a jog, huh? When’s the last time you went to the gym?” I demand. “Never mind. Don’t answer. I already fucking know. Fucking never.”

She’s gonna get it now. She’s gonna wish she never tried to take me on. Bitches gotta know their place.

“So, yeah, I fucking look. Maybe if I was treated a little better at home, I wouldn’t. Every night, you got a fucking headache or something. You gotta work in the morning. You’re pissed at me for some reason. Christ, I stayed out, like one night, with Chuckie, and you’d have thought I murdered a fucking baby.”

I give her my best mean stare in the dark.

“Oh, I know you didn’t say nothing, but I can tell. It’s your way or the highway, right? Because it’s not like anyone else should compromise, huh? Look at you. What effort are you putting into this relationship? Maybe if you had a body like Lisa’s, we wouldn’t be in this situation. Or maybe if you took care of my needs once in a while. I mean, we haven’t had sex in a week. I can’t even remember the last time I got a blowjob. Like, three weeks ago? A month?”

My hands gesticulate in the dark, animate cursors of past injustice.

“I do so much for you. Last week, I bought you a brand new fucking microwave and what’d I get for it? Not even a thank you. Maybe I’m not the one who should be sorry here. Maybe it’s you. Maybe if you weren’t such a fucking bitch all the time, we wouldn’t have this problem.”

I stop to wait for a reply, but none comes.

“You’re such a fucking coward,” I spit. “So passive aggressive. Can’t just speak your mind like a normal person. No, you gotta sit there like a fucking lump and give me the silent treatment.”

Jane’s silence continues. Fucking cunt. Fucking bitch. My lips curl into a sneer.

“No wonder I’m looking,” I throw up my hands. “You don’t talk to me. You don’t communicate. You don’t wanna mess around. I’m not a fucking mind reader! I don’t know what you want!

I throw my hands up in the air in exasperation. Still, nothing from her side of the bed. Christ, she’s really leaning into this whole silent treatment, the bitch. I decide to change tack.

“Listen, all I’m saying is I’d like a little more attention. And maybe for you to drop like, I don’t know… ten pounds? Twenty? It’s not like I’m asking you to go fucking bulimic or something. What are you? A buck forty now?”

Nothing. Huh. Thought that’d get her for sure.

“Maybe thirty pounds. I mean, it’s not that much, really.”

It’s like talking to a ghost.

“Fuck, no wonder I’m hitting on Lisa,” the sarcasm drips from my mouth. “With all this intellectual stimulation and conversation I got at home. She’s a fucking liar, but I’d bet she at least talks to her man. You don’t start talking, I’m gonna be that man soon. I bet Lisa wouldn’t give two shits about screwing you over once she hears what a fucking bitch you are. I know you don’t know it, but I’m a catch. Any girl’d be lucky to have me.”

I scan for any hint of movement. None is forthcoming.

This shit really burns my ass.

Fine. She wants to play this game, I’m going scorched earth.

“And what are you?” I continue. “Huh? You think you’re a fuckin’ prize? A bitch who can’t spend half a second on her man? You don’t even look nice when we go out places. You’re embarrassing. It’s embarrassing to be with you. You fat, fuckin’ pathetic, fuckin’ bitch. You know what? Fuck you, Jane. Fuck you.”

If that don’t do it, nothing will. I flop down on the bed, face away from her and sneer.

I bet she’s got tears running down her cheeks. I bet she’s gonna cry. I listen for sounds of sniffling, but it’s quiet city on that side of the bed. There’s nothing at all. I lift myself back up on my elbows and search Jane’s face for signs of distress. It’s too dark to tell. She still doesn’t say anything.

The bitch.

I jerk her wrist from beneath the sheet and squeeze. I’m gonna get something out of her one way or another. Something squishes between my fingers, slithers out between my knuckles as I wrench down on bones, bones that feel ready to break. Instantly, my hand snaps back. I hold my palm up in front of my face, but the night provides only the greyest of glistens.

“Why are you all fucking wet?”

Instinctively, my eyes go back to Jane’s face. Her shadow stares back, black pits on a black face, in a black room. The out-of-place smell comes stronger now.

“Oh, no, no, no, no, no.”

I reach for the lamp beside the bed. The shift in the mattress rocks Jane and she slumps sideways, out of the bed, onto the floor with a clatter and a thud. She bounces off the nightstand, her legs still trapped in the sheets. Her skull loudly off the hardwood. Something metallic skitters across the floor.

“Shit. Jane? You okay?”

I click the lamp on. A pair of red circles stain the mattress, bled together and trailing off the side of the bed. I can’t see Jane’s face. Only her naked legs twisted up in the sheets, and the hem of her nightgown fallen up over her hips, exposing her to the night air. Rivulets of blood stain her thighs. One wrist, twisted up, seeps slow red.

“Jane?”

I lean toward the fallen figure draped off the edge of the bed.

“Honey?”

The stain in the mattress floats back up under my weight, pooling beneath my hands.

“Say something. Anything.”

Across the ceiling, the lights of a passing car slash through once again.

From the floor, silence.

Target: 1400 words
Written: 433 words, short story: Jane Says

Read: Plot & Structure, James Scott Bell
Comics: Cinderella: From Fabletown With Love 6, Jack Of Fables 45, Fables 95-96
Music: December 28, 1988, The Underground, Seattle, Nirvana

bobby loves jodi

Bobby loves Jodi
Who loves Jenny
Who loves both of them together
(from time to time)
Plus Peter down the way
and his best mate Damon
(in Lego block formations, interlocking wherever the pieces fit)
Damon fancies a pint of Gina
who loves nothing better than muscles on a man
(or men)
And she loves Adam who loves Joey
who bleeds Joey
and only Joey
in defiance of Gina
And what one drunken night descended to
(and descended a lot)
(like, really way down)
And didn’t involve Jordan
Who fancied Terri, Amanda and Tariq
At the same party where he fancied Lisa, Donna and most of the lower half of Angie
(what a time that was)
And we all laughed because it’s just tits
And ass
And cocks
And cunts
But it’s so goddamned complicated
(and so goddamned simple)
Like the most pungent game of Twister
Where everyone collapses in laughter
Save one or two who lay uncomfortably on the bottom
and draw back
Because Bobby loves Jodi
And sometimes Jenny
Who loves both of them together
and isn’t that nice

Target: 1400 words
Written: 3673 words, short story: The Run

Read: Plot & Structure, James Scott Bell
Comics: Cinderella: From Fabletown With Love 3-4, Jack Of Fables 42-43
Music: 1973, AC/DC (with Dave Evans)

babies!

The granddaughter is here, so it’s Christmas joy for all, and no joy for editing.

Target: 1400 words
Written: 1318 words, novel: Bad Neighbours

Read: Soon I Will Be Invincible, Austin Grossman
Comics: Fables 79-80, Jack Of Fables 29-30
Music: Under A Billion Suns, Mudhoney (so much better than Vanishing Point, which was bad, at best)