The times, they are a-changin’.
And my body is freaking out with high blood pressure.
I wish I knew why.
Target: 1300 words
Written: 1395 words, novel: Bad Neighbours
Read: Solar Lottery, Philip K. Dick
Comics: Tomb Raider 28-29, Tomb Raider Journeys 11-12
Music: Experience Expanded: Remixes & B-Sides, The ProdigyHousework, father-in-law’s birthday, a long time in the sun.
Yeah. Fun day, but still. Too much.
Too much sun.
Target: 1300 words
Written: 225 words, novel: Bad Neighbours
Read: Solar Lottery, Philip K. Dick
Comics: Tomb Raider Journeys 7-8, Tomb Raider 25, Tomb Raider: Scarface's Treasure 1
Music: Exogenesis: Symphony, MuseI mean, I’ve got a lot of it.
I try not to have it. I know people that look like me have done all kinds of horrible shit, and indeed, due to stupidity or selfishness or ignorance of the world around me, I’m sure I’ve done more than my fair share.
I haven’t been a great man. I’m still not, as far as I know.
My life has been defined by trauma – not real trauma. I was never beaten or raped or witnessed a horrible crime. I have PTSD from bad employers, but who doesn’t?
My trauma seems inconsequential; it’s not warzone PTSD or survivor’s guilt.
It’s knowing that every day, things get worse. Brain beaten, bit by bit, until my brain feels like a hockey enforcer with CTE, even if it might not look that way.
But it’s all excuses, or so I’m told. Avoidance. I should feel guiltier, they tell me. I should feel the weight of two thousand years of straight white male oppression.
And I do.
I don’t know how I stand it.
I don’t know how anyone stands it. I sit at the bottom of this world, like Atlas without the muscles, squished, guts oozing out my sides, eyes literally popping out of my skull like a sausage being run over by a Mack Truck.
And yet, somehow, still alive.
I feel it. I feel it all.
I feel the world’s pain, its anger, its suffering.
And I’m not sure how much longer I can stand.
Target: 1300 words
Written: 2287 words, novel: Bad Neighbours
Read: World Of Ptavvs, Larry Niven
Comics: Tomb Raider Journeys 5-6, Tomb Raider 23-24
Music: Exile On Main Street, The Rolling StonesOff to Trenton. Off to grandbaby.
She’s about to go into JK. Jesus Christ.
Life is draining away at an exponential rate, isn’t it?
Target: 1300 words
Written: 1339 words, novel: Bad Neighbours
Read: East Wind: West Wind, Pearl Buck (not my usual fare, but I really liked this - bring me into your world, doesn't matter what genre or style, and this did that)
Comics: Tomb Raider & Witchblade 1, Witchblade & Tomb Raider 1, Tomb Raider 1-2
Music: Everything Under The Sun, SublimeHaven’t had one of these in a while.
I guess draft beer still has its kick when you drink a half-dozen heavies.
Well, back to bed then, and a good dose of aspirin.
Target: 1300 words
Written: 1607 words, novel: Bad Neighbours
Read: Magician: Apprentice, Raymond Feist
Comics: Grommets 4-5, The Sacrificers 11, The Holy Roller 8
Music: The Everly Brothers Essentials, The Everly BrothersI mean, I had fun, but I wanted it to be so much better. The others were going on about how great the guy was, but I found the band super loose, and the singer was mucking up lyrics (and moving around entire verses) wholesale.
I’m not sure the hangover is worth that.
Sorry, dude, Gord Downie, you ain’t.
Target: 1300 words
Written: 1127 words, novel: Bad Neighbours
Read: Magician: Apprentice, Raymond Feist
Comics: Napalm Lullaby 5-6, The Sacrificers 10, Grommets 3
Music: Everlong, Foo Fights (like, three separate singles - I'm mildly obsessed)Would that I was. Fresh off reading the Bible all the way through, about to have my first drink, my first drug, my first real make-out session (my first kiss happened in grade one with a girl named Jessica, who ironically, was not my childhood sweetheart – that was Shelley, who my parents tell me is now some kind of super junkie, so, uh, I guess I had an early type), my first summer love, my first experiences with weed, mushrooms, acid and sex (not all at thirteen, of course, though it was a close thing).
I was told how smart I was; they made it sound like natural talent, so I never felt like I needed to learn how to put effort in. Things came too easy, and that fucked me later on, when they didn’t, and I didn’t know how to buckle down and study.
Classic fixed mindset, that didn’t shift until my mid-thirties.
I backed up that insecurity with bluster and bravado.
With bullshit.
Thirty-five years later, I still fight the demons of youth.
I’m not a junkie, not yet. I’m quite possibly an alcoholic, though I’d disagree with the sentiment, given that I’m rarely drunk and don’t actually have more than about a six-pack in a week.
I just like it, okay?
Leave me alone, dad.
Fuck.
Labatt 50 was my first sip of beer, and goddamnit. It sucked.
Target: 1300 words
Written: 1140 words, novel: Bad Neighbours
Read: Magician: Apprentice, Raymond Feist
Comics: Napalm Lullaby 1-2, The Holy Roller 5, The Sacrificers 7
Music: An Evening With Neil Gaiman & Amanda Palmer, Neil Gaiman & Amanda Palmer (I know, I know, furthering my assertion that there is absolutely no correlation between skill and the relative moral quality of a particular human being - see Spacey, Kevin)I was praying for peace, but, uh, yeah. Nope. Sofi’s not well (hopefully overkill from the week gone), and coming home to no Isis, and Raiden (her twin) being weird.
It’s hard.
Why does everything suck so much all the time?
Target: 1300 words
Written: 1344 words, novel: Bad Neighbours
Read: Hammered, Elizabeth Bear (finally, some progress)
Comics: A Righteous Thirst For Vengeance 11, Deadly Class 56, The Sacrificers 1-2
Music: Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, VariousWell, well, well. I guess my working out has paid off a little, if not in pounds lost, but in strength and endurance.
Maybe it’s turned some fat to muscle, or something like that.
Either way, I made it to the top of the Temagami fire tower with little rest, no chest pain and actually, didn’t feel too bad of a burn in my legs, despite the roughly two hundred steps (and a ladder) it takes to get to the top.
Nice.
At least some shit is working out for me.
All progress is progress, even if it’s only a little bit.
(And everything’s progress, because time, learning and change do not end – we only choose to ignore the lessons, and to stem the tide, which is about as fruitful as trying to stop a tsunami by standing in front of it and holding your hands up.)
What a world.
Target: 1300 words
Written: 1559 words, novel: Bad Neighbours
Read: Hammered, Elizabeth Bear (I'm enjoying it, but tiiiime, man)
Comics: A Righteous Thirst For Vengeance 4-5, Deadly Class 50, The Scumbag 12
Music: The Essential Billy Joel, Billy (oh dear god, it got worse) JoelI’m so glad to be up here. I still dream of being buried in the lake.
When I die (or preferably, about to die so I get to see it all again), no Viking funeral, just take me to the deepest part of Lake Temagami, fold my hands on my chest, and let me go.
Tell them never to raise my bones.
I can find no greater peace than to lie still in the frozen waters of the great Canadian Shield, in my home.
Tell them.
These are my wishes for disposal.
(Spread my ashes if you must, if the authorities won’t allow you to sink a body without dredging me out of the lake. I would, however, prefer to be whole and at the bottom, to feed the lake with my corporeal and spiritual essence. I’ll settle for spiritual, if required.)
Otherwise, under cover of night…
Target: 1300 words
Written: 1368 words, novel: Bad Neighbours
Read: Hammered, Elizabeth Bear
Comics: The Scumbag 8-9, Deadly Class 46-47
Music: The Essential (Remaster), Concrete Blonde (love Joey)