anyways

I’m thinking a lot about dead people today. Mostly, I think about how many people have come before me, and how many will come after, and how every single one of them will die, and maybe people remember them and maybe they don’t, for good reasons and bad, and there’s tragedy in that.

There’s tragedy in loss, but there’s also tragedy living a life in mourning.

It can feel like a whirlwind, like a pit, like a maelstrom rising out of the earth below your feet.

And yet, we still must live. It’s a wonder anything survives, for any length of time. The only joy is in childhood.

Target: 1500 words
Written: 1504 words, short story: Skeleton Park

Read: The Shooting Party, Anton Chekhov
Comics: Fables: The Wolf Among Us 21-24
Music: 23 Live Sex Acts, Against Me!

perspective

I always miss the point.

I don’t know why. It can be staring me stark in the face from six inches away and I’ll crane my neck to look around it, to see what’s on the other side.

I guess it’s a matter of perspective. I spent a lot of years with none, and now, to rectify that, I’ve gone whole hog the other direction.

The other side of the road. The alternate view. The real truth – yours, mine and reality, from as many angles as I can scope.

And it’s blinding.

The funny thing is, this isn’t about overanalysis. A lot of people might interpret this as second-guessing or lack of confidence or whatever, and maybe to some extent, that’s the case.

But mostly it’s about being burned, over and over again, by a lack of insight.

Like right now.

I’m about to fire an asshole, over the accusation that he touched a woman’s bum. He sits in front of me, all hang-dogged in his expression, his big brown eyes threatening tears. His hands are folded in his lap, and they fidget as only the guilty can. Or the innocent, who don’t know why they’re there, but know it’s bad.

The assumption is guilt, but it could go either way. Would he protest more if he were innocent or guilty? Would I be able to tell the difference? Tone of voice, waver, urgency. Would I recognize crocodile tears? Doth he protest too much?

Most of upper management wanted him gone the same day without even cursory examination. A show of strength. For the females in the group, a show of solidarity. For the men, a desire not to show sympathy for the acts of an accused molester.

It’s all optics. Political correctness and “action” as a substitute for facts and discovery. Talking points, the surrogate, in the place of judgment, made in bluster about the ‘right thing’; in reality, about not getting sued or cancelled. Protect the bottom line, at all costs.

Me?

I can’t let it go without perspective. I believe that we start neutral and ask questions and work toward the truth. That starting with an assumption of guilt predisposes us to dismiss evidence that suggests otherwise, and limits our desire to seek out the truth.

Starting with an assumption of innocence can do the same. It’s not terribly fair to the victim, especially if they are a victim. It’s hard to feel good about accusing someone who’s been wronged of exaggeration or deceit.

On the other hand, if they are lying… I know it’s not popular to assume they are, but it does happen. More often than I think we care to admit. You’ve met people, right? They lie.

Of course, if you have to start with one or the other, innocence is the way to go. Better to believe in the inherent goodness of people than not.

Anyway, there’s this fucker, running around, wanton hands on the behinds of unsuspecting women, or so his accusers would have us believe, without examination or skepticism. I choose investigation. Questions. Find the truth so the truth can out.

It wasn’t a popular decision, but like I said, I need perspective. I’ve been told how unfair this is to the victim, that she should be listened to with unwavering belief, as though she’s God, and we’re the Catholic faithful.

But I’m agnostic.

If we’re about to destroy a man; perhaps a suspension of all disbelief is not the best method to do so. After all, the guy is married. He has two children, both toddlers. If found guilty, he has to go home to his wife and children and tell them he lost his job – for sexually assaulting a woman. Maybe he lies to them, but there’s lots of mutual friends; the truth will out eventually. It always does.

And then what?

Does his wife forgive him? Does she leave him? Does she take the children? Do the children grow up with angry, divorced parents or without a father because of one unwanted hand on someone’s behind?

Does he lose his house, his car, his family? Does he end up broke and homeless, on the street, shunned by friends and family alike, unhireable by any company that doesn’t want to risk a potential rapist in their midst?

A life destroyed. For a hand on a butt.

Multiple lives destroyed. Collateral damage. Innocent lives destroyed. Children’s lives.

For a hand on a butt.

The woman will go on. She’ll forget about this in a week or two, when things settle, and she’ll go back to her life in her cubicle with her friends and her new boss.

Oh yeah. Did I mention he’s her boss?

Yeah. Super shitty.

If legit.

Anyway, the woman will go back to friends and family and work and maybe some other man’s hand on her ass, and chances are, little will change for her. She might get creeped out at the thought of this guy if it comes up. She might be kind of skeeved.

He, on the other hand, may be on the street. He may lose everything, while the extent of her trauma is an uncomfortable memory, from time to time.

Proportion becomes a word to think about.

Proportion and perspective.

While the masses howl for blood, I ask questions. Compare and contrast. Weigh options. Consider motive, as well as action.

Who brought the charge?

The woman did. She was pushed into it by her boyfriend who also works in the space, and by his boss. She told us as much.

That’s interesting.

In her interview, she openly admitted to flirting with the accused and not actually wanting to speak with HR. Her boyfriend insisted.

The boyfriend has a history with other women in the building. He’s taken them to HR more than once to resolve some petty dispute, rarely work related. At times, he’s used the threat of discipline and termination to keep an ex-lover away from him, even as he texted them for a booty call that night. He’s used HR to separate lovers he didn’t want to know about each other. He’s promised no more contact with former flames, only to re-engage immediately. More than once, the full story was shrouded in obfuscation.

Motive. Past tactics.

Half-truth for revenge on possible rival?

What about the boyfriend’s boss, who backed the allegation, though not a direct witness?

Similar rival. The accused was involved with a friend of his. Both were married. Suspicions of emotional cheating. A lot of texts and flirting. The boyfriend’s boss, then only co-worker, was livid with moral outrage, despite his similar behaviour with another employee, also married. The boyfriend’s boss isn’t exactly known for his ability to keep his pen out of the company ink. Indeed, the boys’ club, locker room bullshit is how he got promoted in the first place.

Motive again. Revenge is an aphrodisiac.

Alternate perspective. Assume good will.

Boyfriend genuinely upset about sexual assault on girlfriend. Girlfriend hesitant to report, due to stigma or concerns about backlash or believability. Boyfriend leverages boss. Boom. Human Resources.

Justice.

Or…

Motives of jealousy and general dislike, an accuser uncertain about making accusation, who actively admits to both flirting and enjoying said flirtation. Exaggeration or intentional deception?

Misread signals? Overzealous overture?

Inappropriate act.

Perhaps the word proportion needs to return.

Re-assignment? Demotion? Discipline? Isolation? Suspension?

Boyfriend makes threats of police involvement. The issue is being pushed. I can feel the twine pull tight around my hands. Still.

Still.

Innocent until proven guilty.

And if guilty? To what degree? Will his accusers laugh to themselves, smug and satisfied, as my judgment gives their drama legitimacy? What if their drama is false? What if it’s not true?

The man’s on the street. Dead in a gutter. Victim of the drink.

Or maybe none of that. Maybe his wife forgives him with open arms, knows he’s innocent, and he’s employed in days, if not hours.

Like I said. Perspective. Knowledge. Speculation. Too many ways to look at it. Could be the guy’s a real creep. Definite possibility. Hasn’t come across that way in the past, but he is over-friendly, with everyone.

So many ways to see it. So much information.

I’ve always been jealous of those who charge forward, heedless of reality.

A witness comes out. Heavyset girl, teammate of the plaintiff. Best friend. Says she saw the whole thing.

Funny. We were told there were no witnesses. Plaintiff versus defendant, alone, in the library with the candlestick. He said. She said.

The witness is the best friend. Convenient, but no way to refute.

There’s a whiff in the air.

But here we are.

With this guy.

This fucking guy.

The only thing we can do hangs in the air. And my time is running out.

I lean in, my fingers crossed on the table before me. My voice, laden with gravitas.

“I’m sorry, son. We have no choice but to let you go…”

Target: 1400 words
Written: 504 words, short story: Perspective

Read: The Catcher In The Rye, J.D. Salinger
Comics: Fables 101, Cinderella: Fables Are Forever 1-3
Music: February 11, 1990, Cactus Club, San Jose, Nirvana

jane says

“Jane?”

I roll over in bed. The fog of sleep squeezes my forehead. My eyes struggle to adjust to the light. “What’s the matter?”

My voice is a whisper in the dark. I can’t see Jane properly, but she’s sitting up. The outline of her body is a slate silhouette against the headboard.

“Honey?” I say a little louder and reach my hand over to her side of the bed. It lands on her knee. She doesn’t move. I shake her leg, gently, at first, then with a touch of vigour. She doesn’t budge. There’s a kind of lull in the arc of her head as it bobs down. “Babe.”

Jane doesn’t respond. My teeth grind in frustration. This isn’t the first time she’s done something like this.

“Really? You’re still mad about earlier?” I shake my head.

Again, no response.

“You know I didn’t mean nothing by it. I just wish you’d be a little cooler, you know? Sometimes.”

A car speeds past outside. Its headlights cut a jagged silhouette across the ceiling. Jane’s faced away. Head down.

“I mean, it’s not that you’re not a good wife or whatever. It’s just, sometimes, you pick at me. And we aren’t as, uh, intimate, as we used to be.”

I pull my hand back from her knee. The sullen shape next to me sits in silence. In my mind, in the darkness, her arms are crossed, her lips pursed and pouting. I know what this is about. This goddamn shit again. The bitch doesn’t trust me.

“Listen, what Lisa said don’t mean nothing. I mean, I know you think there’s something there, but I swear to you, there’s not. It’s just… listen. She’s got a nice figure. That’s all I meant by what I said. And then you started with the cheating talk and I was only trying to explain myself. I love you. I mean that. But she’s a pretty girl and sometimes, a pretty girl starts talking to you and you don’t really think and that’s when you get in trouble.”

I breathe in deep. Around me, shadows loom out of the furniture, from behind lamps and dressers and pillows stacked in the corner. There’s a weird scent to the room, familiar, but out of place.

“I mean, I guess you’re right. I shouldn’t have been talking to her like that. It wasn’t flirting, I swear, but I can see your point. But she shouldn’t have told you. She’s your friend. If she didn’t want nothing to do with me, I mean, if she were getting the wrong impression, she should’ve said so. I didn’t mean nothing by it. Instead, she’s gotta start shit between us.”

It’s a sort of sharp smell, but subtle.

“I know I should’ve told you. But it wasn’t a thing, not to me! I didn’t think I did nothing wrong. How was I to know she was gonna make a big deal out of it?”

I roll onto my side and place my fingers on Jane’s shoulder.

“Anyway, I’m sorry. You’re right and I’m wrong and I’ll make it up to you,” I roll my eyes. “I won’t talk to Lisa no more, that’s for sure. Who knows what kind of crazy shit she’ll make up next?”

Jane sits unmoving, a statue in the night.

“Not that it was all made up, but you know. Exaggerated, probably. I don’t know exactly what she said to you but knowing her, she probably made it sound way worse than it actually was.”

Jane’s eyes point down at her lap, inscrutable in the darkness.

“Jane, honey. You gotta say something.”

Silence.

“Come on already. Speak up.”

I snatch my fingers back from her shoulder and shake my head. It only takes an instant for the rage to well up inside me. I’m so fucking tired of this shit. Enough’s enough.

“You know what? Fuck this. You always fucking do this. Something happens you don’t like and all of a sudden, I’m the worst fucking person in the whole wide world! And then I gotta sit there and listen to you go on and on and give me the fucking silent treatment because you don’t trust me for shit.”

The mattress bounces as I sit up and lean back against the headboard, arms crossed.

“So what, I said your friend had a nice body. So what? That’s not my fault. It’s true. I see her, jogging through the neighbourhood. She works out at the gym. She looks good. When’s the last time you went for a jog, huh? When’s the last time you went to the gym?” I demand. “Never mind. Don’t answer. I already fucking know. Fucking never.”

She’s gonna get it now. She’s gonna wish she never tried to take me on. Bitches gotta know their place.

“So, yeah, I fucking look. Maybe if I was treated a little better at home, I wouldn’t. Every night, you got a fucking headache or something. You gotta work in the morning. You’re pissed at me for some reason. Christ, I stayed out, like one night, with Chuckie, and you’d have thought I murdered a fucking baby.”

I give her my best mean stare in the dark.

“Oh, I know you didn’t say nothing, but I can tell. It’s your way or the highway, right? Because it’s not like anyone else should compromise, huh? Look at you. What effort are you putting into this relationship? Maybe if you had a body like Lisa’s, we wouldn’t be in this situation. Or maybe if you took care of my needs once in a while. I mean, we haven’t had sex in a week. I can’t even remember the last time I got a blowjob. Like, three weeks ago? A month?”

My hands gesticulate in the dark, animate cursors of past injustice.

“I do so much for you. Last week, I bought you a brand new fucking microwave and what’d I get for it? Not even a thank you. Maybe I’m not the one who should be sorry here. Maybe it’s you. Maybe if you weren’t such a fucking bitch all the time, we wouldn’t have this problem.”

I stop to wait for a reply, but none comes.

“You’re such a fucking coward,” I spit. “So passive aggressive. Can’t just speak your mind like a normal person. No, you gotta sit there like a fucking lump and give me the silent treatment.”

Jane’s silence continues. Fucking cunt. Fucking bitch. My lips curl into a sneer.

“No wonder I’m looking,” I throw up my hands. “You don’t talk to me. You don’t communicate. You don’t wanna mess around. I’m not a fucking mind reader! I don’t know what you want!

I throw my hands up in the air in exasperation. Still, nothing from her side of the bed. Christ, she’s really leaning into this whole silent treatment, the bitch. I decide to change tack.

“Listen, all I’m saying is I’d like a little more attention. And maybe for you to drop like, I don’t know… ten pounds? Twenty? It’s not like I’m asking you to go fucking bulimic or something. What are you? A buck forty now?”

Nothing. Huh. Thought that’d get her for sure.

“Maybe thirty pounds. I mean, it’s not that much, really.”

It’s like talking to a ghost.

“Fuck, no wonder I’m hitting on Lisa,” the sarcasm drips from my mouth. “With all this intellectual stimulation and conversation I got at home. She’s a fucking liar, but I’d bet she at least talks to her man. You don’t start talking, I’m gonna be that man soon. I bet Lisa wouldn’t give two shits about screwing you over once she hears what a fucking bitch you are. I know you don’t know it, but I’m a catch. Any girl’d be lucky to have me.”

I scan for any hint of movement. None is forthcoming.

This shit really burns my ass.

Fine. She wants to play this game, I’m going scorched earth.

“And what are you?” I continue. “Huh? You think you’re a fuckin’ prize? A bitch who can’t spend half a second on her man? You don’t even look nice when we go out places. You’re embarrassing. It’s embarrassing to be with you. You fat, fuckin’ pathetic, fuckin’ bitch. You know what? Fuck you, Jane. Fuck you.”

If that don’t do it, nothing will. I flop down on the bed, face away from her and sneer.

I bet she’s got tears running down her cheeks. I bet she’s gonna cry. I listen for sounds of sniffling, but it’s quiet city on that side of the bed. There’s nothing at all. I lift myself back up on my elbows and search Jane’s face for signs of distress. It’s too dark to tell. She still doesn’t say anything.

The bitch.

I jerk her wrist from beneath the sheet and squeeze. I’m gonna get something out of her one way or another. Something squishes between my fingers, slithers out between my knuckles as I wrench down on bones, bones that feel ready to break. Instantly, my hand snaps back. I hold my palm up in front of my face, but the night provides only the greyest of glistens.

“Why are you all fucking wet?”

Instinctively, my eyes go back to Jane’s face. Her shadow stares back, black pits on a black face, in a black room. The out-of-place smell comes stronger now.

“Oh, no, no, no, no, no.”

I reach for the lamp beside the bed. The shift in the mattress rocks Jane and she slumps sideways, out of the bed, onto the floor with a clatter and a thud. She bounces off the nightstand, her legs still trapped in the sheets. Her skull loudly off the hardwood. Something metallic skitters across the floor.

“Shit. Jane? You okay?”

I click the lamp on. A pair of red circles stain the mattress, bled together and trailing off the side of the bed. I can’t see Jane’s face. Only her naked legs twisted up in the sheets, and the hem of her nightgown fallen up over her hips, exposing her to the night air. Rivulets of blood stain her thighs. One wrist, twisted up, seeps slow red.

“Jane?”

I lean toward the fallen figure draped off the edge of the bed.

“Honey?”

The stain in the mattress floats back up under my weight, pooling beneath my hands.

“Say something. Anything.”

Across the ceiling, the lights of a passing car slash through once again.

From the floor, silence.

Target: 1400 words
Written: 433 words, short story: Jane Says

Read: Plot & Structure, James Scott Bell
Comics: Cinderella: From Fabletown With Love 6, Jack Of Fables 45, Fables 95-96
Music: December 28, 1988, The Underground, Seattle, Nirvana

the run

I pull back on my laces. Gotta keep those shoes snug.

The morning sun is still beyond the horizon as I stand on the front steps of my porch, and stretch it out. The air is chill with dew, and hangs humid against my bare legs, exposed below my running shorts. It’s five in the morning, and it’s time to get moving. There’s a moment of hesitation, a flash of cold night and warm bed, but that’s not really an option. Not today.

I push off the steps and I’m on. My shoes build a slow rhythm as I turn onto the sidewalk toward the end of the street. There’s nothing like a good morning run. Wind cuts across my cheeks, and my legs are stiff from the night’s rest. My street is a quiet street, with tall maples and raucous, well-trimmed gardens, painted in nocturnal relief. It’s only a block or so to the park, and soon, I jog down a path of cement cuts, stamped with spraypaint signatures from long ago.

Joey loves Jenny. Peter was here. Eat me.

I round the ring at the centre of the park. It opens up, a deep circle of blackened shrubs and dark paths nestled around a silent fountain. Something about the scene is positively Gothic, as though Dracula might chase his virgin bride from the darkness at any moment. I refocus.

Pick up the pace. Warmup’s over.

I will my body faster and it responds with ease, a smooth shift into second gear. My legs chug, one after the other, right, left, right, left. I love this time. There’s a meditative quality building. The city, ever so still in the early morning, echoes back my footfalls. But this isn’t time to spectate. It’s time for focus. Left, right, left, right.

I cross the small bridge on the far side of the park, past the cenotaph with its bronze soldiers and red-tainted poppies, and turn onto the vacant streets of the downtown core. The slap of my feet is beyond me as breath fills my ears and my mind. In, out. Deep, out. Past silent stores I run, legs pumping. I’m just getting started.

I cross the deserted street and into a back alley behind a theatre long out of use. The alley is cold, but my blood rushes, and a battle ensues between the air and the hot veins beneath my skin. Past a coffee shop, a police station, a liquor store, a dentist’s office. Down into a residential area, replete with old houses of colonial trim and heavy wooden doors. Past sculpted yards and side streets I run, down to an angled intersection that banks onto a main thoroughfare.

I take a left this time, ignoring the Don’t Walk sign in the early, early morn. There’s no cars out yet. No police. Even junkies aren’t awake at this hour.

My feet pound against the sidewalk in steady rhythm. One count, two count. One count, two count. And so it goes. It’s not even five-thirty yet, but the horizon starts to light up the east. Soon, traffic will be everywhere, and I’ll be forced to back streets and stationary jogs at stoplights. I risk a look at my pedometer and smile. Good pace.

I feel good. I contemplate a longer than usual run. It’s not a workday. The wife worked late. She won’t be up for hours. The kids are at Grandma’s. Why not?

I can’t help but smile.

The excitement of a marathon run gears me up and I go a little faster, sprinting for a few blocks before I decide to set a more even pace, if I expect to pull twenty-six-point-two miles.

I take a right on another main thoroughfare. I work on this road, and if I go far enough, I can make it there. This seems to be a good target for now, so I push it a little harder. It’s a long, straight stretch wehere I can focus on pace and breath, breath and pace. My mind sets on autopilot and all I know is the pendulum of my thighs and the low, deep breaths pulled down my throat, drove low into my belly. There’s flow here, simple ruminant energy as I slide through the air, focused, determined, and happy.

Passing the office, I laugh. Fools. They don’t know I’ve been here. How strong I am. How joyful. In the windows out front, I catch a glimpse of my silhouette. Lean, tightly muscled, strong legs and calves, a fine specimen of physicality. They don’t know what they’re missing.

I turn my attention back toward the road, and catch something out of the corner of my eye. A shadow in the window. Was it real? It ran with me. Behind me. A momentary flash, a few yards behind. I catch myself slowing.

Don’t. Don’t stop. You slow, you stop. You know this.

I push back up to my previous pace but the damage is done. The burn in my legs begins. I look down at the pedometer. Not even halfway.

Push on.

I take it down a notch, though not enough for my legs to feel like I’m no longer pressing. That rings a death knell. This race, this run, would be over. Behind me, the sun breaks the horizon. I’m just getting started.

Five more, I think. Five more miles to the far end of town.

I take a left on a trucking route and throw my arm up as the headlights of a passing semi blinds me. The wind whips and dust gets in my eyes as it passes, but still, I push on. The street rises, up over some train tracks.

Yes.

I can feel the rhythm settling back in my thighs. The incline, however small, provided cure.

Slap.

Slap.

Slap.

Slap.

My feet beat their own drum, hammering the pavement with authority. The muscles uncoil in my arms, my shoulders, my chest.

Another window. Another flash.

The shadow is back, clearer now. Ten feet behind me.

Another semi comes up behind me, its wind propelling me forward.

Ignore it. Focus on the run.

My mind slips into overdrive, and I push my limit. I’m locked in, focused. Zen.

Arms pump. Knees bend. My legs muscles flex and tear, ready to rebuild into something new. The shadow again. Every window now. My silent companion. It’s gaining on me.

Orange paint splashes the sky as we reach full dawn, and the air heats up around me. My shadow grows longer. Taller. Its elongated legs move in rhythm with my own. Left, right. Left, right. Slap. Slap.

I’m near the edge of town. An overpass rises before me. This is a busy highway and a dangerous one, so me and my shadow duck down a gravel road that leads back toward town. It will come out near my parents’ place, but they won’t be home. They spend this time of year south, with the other retired veterans of the working world’s war. Gravel digs into the sole of my shoe and pushes up into the ball of my foot.

Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.

The sun is full bore over the horizon, and its white luminescence sprays pale light through the tall ash groves that line the country road. Lights appear in the windows of small farm houses, but they don’t notice me.

My shadow is closer. I can feel it.

Fatigue sets into my legs. I know I’ve slowed down. I’m not sure if it’s the gravel road or the morning sun, but my focused meditation has fallen into apathy. Hope bleeds in a slow trickle. This is a spirit I need to break.

One more mile. That’s it. You’ve come so far. Such a long way. I tell myself to focus on what I’ve done, not how much is left.

It doesn’t work. I push it, but my body still slows.

Okay. Don’t worry about the past. You’re fresh. You’re new. All you have is one more mile. Don’t worry about the rest, or how much farther than that you are from home. One more mile. That’s it. You can do that. You’ve enough left in the tank. It’s no big deal.

There, better. Not as fast, but steady. Not slow. Legs pendulum. There’s a tight, hot burn in the thighs, an alternating pull across my lower back. My heart pounds. I breathe slower. Deep, not fast. Fast will wear you out.

Another turn, left and then right.

I should have taped my nipples. They’re getting raw. Should have stretched more. Better.

But then, I didn’t know. Gravel stabs up through the soles of my shoes. It rolls and slips beneath my feet. I didn’t know this was the path I’d chosen.

It seems so long. Still so far. So much left to go before it’s over.

The shadow is right behind me.

The rawness of my nipples has expanded. It’s a tight burn in my chest. An acid reflux localized in the centre of my ribcage.

Did I choose this? Is this my choice?

The sun sprays bullets over the horizon, ricochets off the tin roof of a local junkyard, the shattered glass of a dead car.

I chose this.

I didn’t know it would be so long.

A pickup truck screams past. Lost in thought, in obsession, in the numb feeling in my feet and the genetly squeezing fist in my chest, I didn’t hear it. It sprays gravel, striking my shins and knee. I might be bleeding. I don’t have time to check.

The run goes on, me and my shadow, right behind me now, almost part of me, its ethereal teeth clattering at the back of my neck.

Another truck screams by, and another. I stumble sideways, the last one too close. I dangle perilously on the edge of a drainage ditch, and catch myself on a wagon wheel mounted in the ground.

Gotta get off this road. I stagger forward, nearly fall, but don’t stop. Can’t stop.

To stop is death.

The shadow with its hand on my shoulders agrees. It hisses in my ears, and I swear, I can feel its tongue just behind the line of my slackened jaw.

The pain in my chest gets worse.

Blood seeps through the front of my shirt, at the nipples.

The sun breaks free of the tree line. Gravel transitions to pavement and my feet sigh with relief. A bee buzzes past my eyeball, collides with my temple. It chases me a while, adding a flailing, waving component to my run. The shadow grins. It’s on top of me now.

I turn, the last turn, the straight shot to my own neighbourhood. I can’t check my miles. Don’t check my speed. All I know is this is the path I’ve chosen, the race I’ve elected to run, in sudden spontaneity, without really thinking it through. All I wanted was the joy of movement, the runner’s high, the meditative bliss of steady forward movement. Of accomplishment. What I found is tunnel vision, a creeping black blur that surrounds my vision, the shadow with its jaws around my head, its teeth creating a shrinking black ring.

The pain in my chest has taken on tightness, a bed of nails, mounted to a carpet, being wrapped around my heart, pointed side in. Every exertion, every pulse, every beat and pump and breath, tightens the iron maiden.

The shadow’s teeth are in my face now.

I’ve lost track of where I am. There’s a building. A box store? A Legion hall?

Something old. Something new, I’ve seen a thousand times.

And something saying softly, relax.

Easy.

Take a deep breath and lie down.

And then I know.

I’m on the pavement. I’m on the sidewalk, my face on the hard concrete.

Prone.

Stopped. Fallen.

Nearly there.

So close.

The path I chose.

So close.

And yet, not far enough.

Target: 1400 words
Written: 4483 words, short story: Jane Says

Read: Plot & Structure, James Scott Bell
Comics: Fables 93-94, Cinderella: From Fabletown With Love 5, Jack Of Fables 44
Music: 1985 Demo Tape, They Might Be Giants

still crashing out

I know this is because I’ve got myself under a ton of pressure to finish this book before Christmas.

Literally. I’ve set the date as December 23rd.

Finished by that date, so I can sit back with a cigar and a whiskey and fucking kick some goddamned ass.

Then to lighten things up for a bit with some poetry, more short stories and comics, maybe a hip little ditty or three.

Then, maybe, by the time March rolls around, I’ll be ready for canon project #3.

And maybe I’ll head back to historical.

Paranormal.

Lovecraft country, baby. I am the man of a thousand ideas; and a thousand more I will never have time to complete.

Target: 1400 words
Written: 1483 words, novel: Bad Neighbours

Read: Prozac Nation, Elizabeth Wurtzel
Comics: Fables 16-19
Music: Working Undercover For The Man, They Might Be Giants

icons i won’t be

I used to want to be William Gibson or George Orwell or J.R.R. Tolkien. Even in my modern days, I idolize Doris Lessing, Andrzej Sapkowski and Thomas Wolfe.

I doubt any of them ever had to write a scene where a fat boor took a messy dump on someone’s front stoop.

Perhaps I should set my sights lower.

Like, MAD magazine or National Lampoon lower.

I’d love to be e.e. cummings or Gord Downie. I’d love to write with the sensitivity of Alan Moore or the abstraction of Kelly Sue Deconnick. Kafka, Chekhov, Palahniuk.

And I’m writing about a fat guy’s feces.

Maybe someday, I could reach even Second City.

Target: 1400 words
Written: 1488 words, novel: Bad Neighbours

Read: The Never-Ending Present, Michael Barclay
Comics: Youngblood v7 #1 (oh dear god, another reboot, with a storytelling style that's no better than it was in the first Youngblood miniseries.  Give up, man.  This shit ain't working.)
Music: Woody Guthrie Essentials, Woody Guthrie (how apropos is Lindbergh?)

forty-eight plus one

And we’re back in the office.

And the office is making it very difficult to get done all the things I need to get done.

I need to get the Mungk in more hands.

I need artists, letters, colourists, an editor for Romance and Western Cradle.

I’ve more or less resigned myself to including the poetry and short stories in with The Mungk (well, maybe not the poetry – once I have enough of those, I may just do a volume of it).

But The Mungk – it needs to be seen. Romance, it’s just a calling card of a comic to build fans, a free giveaway I can hope someone enjoys, and then recognizes the creators later when we put out other stuff.

Western Cradle though – I think it’s good. It may be kind of rape-heavy, which sucks, but if we do it right, draw it right, it could be very, very strong.

But for now. The Mungk.

Target: 1300 words
Written: 1141 words, novel: Bad Neighbours

Read: A Study In Scarlet, Arthur Conan Doyle
Comics: Deadly Class 25-26, Seven To Eternity 4, Black Science 27
Music: Experimental Jet Set, Trash And No Star, Sonic Youth (palate cleanser after Bette fucking Midler)

thinking a lot about sex today

Not because I need to get some (I do) or that I’m particularly feeling my oats (I am), but that’s mostly because for the first time, I’m writing a sex scene.

(Well, not the first time, but the first time in canon. I alluded to the father’s use of a late night laptop session in The Mungk, and a couple of the short stories referenced sex – Get Back Again’s misogynist ghost threatening/chastising his murderer with abuse/promiscuity, Forest Edge’s main victim being a prostitute, its villain getting what comes to him at the hands of the prostitute’s best friend after being seduced, oh, and Western Cradle, which deals almost exclusively with a woman’s revenge for the murder of her family and her own gang rape).

Okay, well, then, this is the first time in canon, and also, the first time where the character is engaged in a consensual act that they really have no love for.

It’s something I would do without hesitation, and would hope my partner is open enough to find fun and sexy, but Walter, the main… he’s a little repressed. Well, a lot repressed.

And so, this is hard for me to write, because I don’t have a lot of boundaries, and it’s difficult for me to get into the mindset of someone who does. For me, it’s no big deal; it’s play.

For others, it’s world shattering.

For me, it’s fun; for Walter, it’s disgusting (hygienically and morally).

And believe me, we aren’t talking anything that weird here.

You’ll see when it’s all done.

When it finally comes out.

When any of this comes out.

Most of it has gone nowhere.

I might be getting a little stale.

Target: 1100 words
Written: 685 words, novel: Bad Neighbours

Read: Adam Bede, George Eliot
Comics: Cyber Force v3 4-6, Cyber Force & X-Men 1
Music: Invisible, Everclear

forest edge

Smoke hung a veil over the din of the tavern and muted the grumble of the surly looking patrons and the clinking of their pewter mugs. The smell of burnt venison wafted out from somewhere behind the bar, giving a slightly rancid taste to the hanging cloud. Indeed, the veil seemed almost mystical in the manner in which it dulled the room’s sound. The bard’s lyre found itself lost in the smoke, even to the bard himself as he moaned out the tale of Andur the Silver Knight, his voice grating with each held note. A deep scar ran diagonally across his forehead, along the edge of his left eye, down his temple. Years of hard travel and harder drinks had aged him prematurely and pushed out his belly, in spite of the relatively lithe frame. The sun had leathered his hands and his face, and if they could be seen, the scars of a hundred beatings would make their presence known upon his body.

Life, as it were, had not been kind, a fact registered by anyone who paid attention, though few did. He was simply another singer scrounging for scraps and a place to sleep, though unlikely to find much of either. The barmaid, a curvy redhead in an unambiguously low cut blouse, weaved in and among the patrons, swatting gropes and mischievious hands. The bard put down the lyre and rolled a small pocket of stankweed in birch paper. No eyes were on him. He picked up a candle from the footstool beside him and lit the makeshift blunt.

“Got a request for ya,” the barmaid dropped a mug of ale in front of the bard.

“Takin’ a break,” the bard didn’t look up.

“Bought you a drink. Least you could do,” she replied.

The bard grumbled under his breath. “What? Let me guess. Kind Hardy’s Balls? The Duke of Horsecock. Bippity Doo?”

Fucking Bippity Doo, he thought and spat on the floor next to him. That fucking gremlin. He and the bard that wrote it could get split by dragon dick for all he cared.

“I was thinking something more… local,” the waitress replied.

The bard looked the waitress up and down. He’d not paid much attention to her before, save her cleavage. Her hair was a faded red, her face the kind of weathered pale that only came from working past dark, indoors, night after night. She looked close to his age, if not a bit older. The barmaid stood over him. Her eyes watched him intently.

“Hurry up, Falgo don’t like me standing around,” she urged.

“Fine. What’d you have in mind?”

“The Maiden and the Whore,” the waitress replied.

The bard’s eyebrows rose. “You’re kidding.”

“Nope. Heard it years ago in a village outside Earp. Bard who wrote it had left town, but a local singer picked it up. Said it were written by someone right here in Keening.”

The bard’s teeth ground.

“So it were. That where we are? Keening?”

“Just outside. You don’t know where you are?”

It was the waitress’ turn to raise her eyebrows.

“Been wandering so long, you tend to forget which way is west. Never worried about it too much. Walking, riding if I could. Passed out, mostly. Merchant I came here with said we were going out Goldsnart way.”

The waitress chuckled. “You’re well past Goldsnart, unless you go back north about twenty miles and then east fifty.”

“Son of a…” the bard muttered.

The waitress reached for the mug of ale. The bard intercepted it before she could snatch it away.

“You playing my song or what?” she demanded.

The bard held up a finger as he drained the ale. He slammed the mug down next to the spent stankweed.

“Fill it up again and throw in some mutton, and you got yourself a deal.”

“Play my song, and I’ll make sure you’re taken care of,” the woman replied.

The bard shrugged and pulled the lyre to his lap.

“Let me see if I remember…” he picked out a tune on the strings. “A dream, dream, heaven unseen…”

The waitress picked up the empty mug and headed back to the bar. Behind her, the bard’s song began.

#

Kirill shifted his weight from one foot to the next and back again, feeling awkward. He was never comfortable at these things. Laughter filled the air, as cliques of Keening’s youth flittered through the trees and congregated near the witchfires set by the local apprentices of the mage guild. Mugs of stolen ale clinked and the scent of some homemade elvish wine brewed by one of his compatriots mixed with the musky underscent of the forest floor. Across the way, a pair of orcs competed in a test of strength as they tried to wrestle one another to the ground with locked fingers. One grinned, his teeth glistening with evil intent. The other returned the bared teeth, albeit with a look of frustration that indicated things were not going his way. A pair of trollish girls, dressed in matching loinclothes and tight leather bodices cheered them on. Somewhere, someone was singing. Badly, Kirill thought, and touched his fingers to his throat. His own voice, crooning quietly in his bedroom, fluttered through his mind.

“Hey!” a quartet of slim fingers alighted upon his shoulder. Kirill jumped, but forgot his startlement forthwith as the young elvish girl wrapped her arms around him in a hug.

“Daleen,” he smiled. The girl before him was beautiful, a rare flower somehow sprouted in the wretched backwoods of Keening. Kirill sighed at the sight of her.

“Kirill, what are you doing here? You never come to these things!” Daleen squeezed his biceps. Kirill’s body shivered with pleasure as she pressed into his arm.

“I… I thought I’d try,” he rubbed the back of his neck. Kirill was average height, thin and smooth skinned, his face made even more lean by the tall pointed ears that snuck out from beneath his cap. Daleen ran her fingers across his chin.

“You’re shaving now?” she asked.

Kirill shrugged. “I never could grow anything, not really. Curse of the elves, am I right?”

“Meh,” Daleen replied. “I never much cared for the scruff. Leave that for the dwarves, I always think.”

She waved, genteel, to a dwarven woman who’d joined the spectacle of the wrestling orcs, one of whom had detached himself from the other and held his wrist close. Kirill wasn’t surprised to see which one. The dwarven girl waved back, her ruddy beard flashing rust in the firelight.

“I wanted to talk to…” Kirill started.

“Jang!” Daleen cried out and waved over another tall elf. Kirill sat patiently and waited for her to finish her conversation, which mostly centred around when the next witchfire party was set. Kirill stopped listening, suddenly far too aware of the trees surrounding him, the darkness away from the fires, and the rapidly spiralling sobriety of the party’s attendees. Briefly, he worried about the effect of the musty stankweed smoke in the air on his vocal chords.

“Kirill, you’ve met Jang, right?” Daleen asked. Kirill nodded, although he was fairly certain he had not, in fact, met Jang.

Jang nodded back and returned to his conversation with Daleen. She squeezed the tall elf’s arm as he left.

“Okay, mister,” Daleen turned back to Kirill. Kirill was struck by how the witchfires lit Daleen’s skin. Alternating shades of blue and red flashed across her naked shoulders and through the shimmer in her wide eyes. Her long, flaxen hair was pulled back in an intricate braid this evening, and her lips glistened in the firelight. “Tell me what brings my good friend, the recluse, out into the woods.”

Kirill’s cheeks flushed.

“I had something I wanted to… well, I’m doing something, and I…” Kirill stuttered.

“Hey, baby,” a drunken orc plowed up over top of Daleen, wrapping his arms around her in a way that was far too familiar for the stench of dwarven moonshine from his mouth. Daleen hunched under his weight and giggling, pushed the orc back off of her.

“Oh, sure, play hard to get,” the orc grinned, wavering in place the whole time. Daleen rolled her eyes.

“Whatever, Gorc,” she replied, laughing. This was clearly an old game. A familiar game. “Can’t you see I’m with somebody?”

Daleen wrapped her fingers around the crook of Kirill’s arm. Kirill felt his breath stop, and forced it to start again.

“I don’t know, babe,” the orc slurred. “He doesn’t look like your type.”

“What do you know about my type?” Daleen joked back. The orc waved a drunken hand at her and stumbled off.

“Um, is there somewhere we can go, maybe more private?” Kirill asked.

“What’s the matter? You’re not getting all shy on me now, are you? You come all the way out here and you’re going to hide behind some tree?” Daleen teased.

“I had something I wanted to talk to you about,” Kirill forced out. “Maybe it was a bad idea.”

Daleen took his hand and pulled him away from the witchfires. They walked, back toward the forest edge, until the sounds of the party dulled to a distant murmur.

“Okay, Mister Mysterious, what do you want to talk about?” she took his hands in hers, and swung them back and forth between them, as she rolled on the balls of her feet.

Kirill took a deep breath. The nerves in his stomach roiled up into his chest and he fought to push them down. Out with it, elf, he told himself.

“I’m leaving, Daleen,” he said, finally.

“What? The party just started!” she said, confused.

“No, not the party. Keening. I’m leaving Keening,” Kirill repeated. “I’m going tonight.”

“What are you talking about?” the elf girl asked.

Kirill let go of Daleen’s hands and turned away.

“You know how I play the lyre?” he said. “And sing?”

“Yeah, of course,” the girl came up behind him.

Kirill stared out into the darkness. Shadows, barely lit by the distant witchfires, danced between the trunks of oaks and ashes, maples and pine.

“Well, and this is going to sound stupid, but do you remember when Brood Sheenshaker came and played the Duke’s parapet?” Kirill asked.

“Gods, yes,” Daleen replied. “It’s about the only time I ever saw you excited to leave the house.”

“Well, something changed in me after that concert. For the last two years, all I’ve done is play my lyre and sing, and learn every ballad and bawdy row that I could lay my hands on down at the emporium, when I wasn’t working in mother’s shop. I sat outside the Horseman’s Brew every night, and listened to them sing, whenever a bard came through town.”

“Yeah, and?”

“Well, I’ve been writing my own stuff, and… and I think it’s good.”

“Um, okay? I mean, I’ve heard you before. You needed to tell me this in secret why?” Daleen folded her arms. Kirill turned back to her.

“I’m leaving. I’m taking my lyre and my clothes and I’m hitting the road.”

Daleen giggled. “Yeah, okay.”

“I’m serious!”

Daleen squeezed Kirill’s arm. “Oh, honey. You know I love you, but come on. You can barely leave your house, let alone perform in front of strangers in far-off lands.”

“That’s the point. It’s what you said, before. You said I can make all the plans I want, but if I don’t actually go out and do something about it, then what’s the point? I can’t…,” Kirill’s head dropped. “It’s like my skin is covered in acid, all the time. I have to go out and do something. I have to get out of this goddamn town.”

“What’s wrong with Keening?” Daleen folded her arms. She jutted one hip out, as if in protest. “You’re being dramatic.”

“Nothing. Everything. I don’t know,” Kirill threw up his arms.

Silence descended on the forest, broken only by the smash of ceramic and a wild burst of laughter in the distance.

“Why don’t you play here?” Daleen asked, finally.

“What?” Kirill stumbled, his heel caught in the underbrush, before righting himself.

“Play here. At the party. This party.”

Daleen’s eyes shone in the dark, obsidian swirls that reflected dimly the fading witchfires beyond the trees.

“Here? Now?” Kirill asked.

“Yeah. Why not? You want to play for people, might as well play for people you know,” she replied.

“That’s just it,” Kirill pouted. “These people know me. They don’t like me. There’s no respect there. They’ll… they’ll laugh.”

Daleen shrugged. “They might. They might not. You’re a good singer, Kirill. I bet you surprise the hell out of them.”

“I don’t know. I’ve never been…”

“Hey, up to you,” Daleen threw up her hands and started back toward the witchfires. Kirill caught her by the elbow.

“Wait.”

He pulled her back.

“My donkey is right beyond the tree line. I’ll get my lyre,” he conceded.

“There you go!”

The duo picked their way through the trees toward the forest edge. Above, the night moons faded in and out from behind spotty clouds, and the tapestry of the great River and its millions of pricks of faded light, billowed out over them. The raucous hoots and laughter of Keening’s youth fell away in the distance, and that ever-present feeling of being both lost and watched settled into the darkness between the trees. A sense of fearful serenity rustled in the leaves as a gentle wind pushed them onward, to the edge of the forest and Kirill’s waiting ass.

“Wow. You really were all packed up,” Daleen said in admiration, as she inspected the haphazard ropes that held several hastily patched and tied bags to the donkey’s hindquarters. Kirill’s lyre hung off the side. Kirill went to it, and with much effort and more than a little giggling from Daleen (and blushing from Kirill), managed to work it free from its intricately chaotic bindings. Instinctively, he set to tuning it, hoping the flush in his cheeks was not visible beneath the night’s moons.

“You’re adorable,” Daleen chuckled and pinched Kirill’s cheek.

“Just need to tune one last…” he tried to ignore her.

“You can tune it on the way,” she said. “Come on. It’s cold away from the fires.”

Again, Kirill stopped and scanned the girl. Indeed, it was cold out and Daleen, clad in a thin leather bodice and short, frayed skirt, was poorly dressed for the weather. He admired her in the light of the moons. Soaked in her goosebumped flesh. Tried and failed to be respectful and not stare at her exposed legs, those thin rounded shoulders, or the night-hardened nipples that protruded from beneath the front of her blouse. He tried to focus on her lips, as they glistened in the starlight, her long, tapered ears, and those eyes, cast back toward the forest with impatience.

“Daleen, wait,” Kirill told her. “One more thing.”

The elven girl stared at Kirill’s donkey in confusion. “What else do you need to play?”

“Not play,” Kirill reached out and took her hand, as he set the lyre down on the ground next to him, leaning up against his knee.

“Kirill, what are you doing?” she stuttered.

“Daleen. Come with me. Come with me out into the world. I love you, Daleen. I’ve loved you from the moment we met. I loved you through everything. When your father died. When my father died. When you were dating that asshole Ramben and that jerk Ocuru. I was there for you. I wrote songs for you. I want you to come with me, out on the road. We could be a duo. I could play and you could sing. We could sing duets. We could make love under the stars…”

He pulled her in and pressed his lips to hers.

She shoved him away.

“Get off me!” Daleen said. “What’s wrong with you?”

“W-what?”

“Moons, Kirill. We’re friends. Friends, get it? And I’m not leaving Keening – I love it here,” she stamped her foot on the ground. “Great River! I have friends and family here. Nori is here. My best friend. Remember her?”

“But… but this is an adventure. And all the time we’ve spent together, since we were kids,” Kirill stammered.

“Time we spent together?” Daleen scoffed. “Kirill, we hang out for a few hours every couple of weeks. Do you know what I do the rest of the time?”

“You’re a… barmaid?” he ventured, thinking of all the stories she’d told him of working the local pubs.

“Barma-… Great River, you’re a moron.”

Daleen turned to go. Kirill leapt forward and grabbed her by the arm again.

“Get off me!” she yanked free and started back to the forest again.

“I don’t get it, Daleen. You were made for me. I was made for you. I’ve been nothing but nice to you,” Kirill pleaded. The tree line loomed before them. He ran to block her path.

“Kirill,” she stopped and pinched the bridge of her nose, eyes closed. “We are not a thing. We’ve never even kissed. I’m sorry if you have feelings, but… well, Kirill, you do understand that I have a life beyond you, right?”

“Well, yeah, of course, but…”

“No buts. You remember that Sheenshaker concert?” she said, her voice quivering slightly, as she gathered herself. “The one that was such a big deal, apparently?”

“Of course – it’s what made me want to leave. And you to come with me. Why won’t you come with me?” Kirill begged.

“Because, Kirill, at the same concert where you were discovering your life’s purpose, I was already living my dream. I didn’t go to see Brood play. I went backstage. Nori and I walked right past the guards, into the castle, and while you were dreaming of becoming a star, we were having a foursome with the Duke and your big bad bard. And you know what? It was a great fucking time.”

“Wait… what?” Kirill’s head snapped back like he’d been struck.

“I’m a fucking whore, Kirill,” Daleen said, and pushed past the young bard. “Literally.”

“No. No, that’s not true. It can’t be,” Kirill staggered backward toward his donkey. Daleen spun to face him.

“I get paid to fuck,” Daleen stepped toward him, each footfall pressing the young elf back. “I get paid to fuck anyone who wants me, and I love it. It’s fun.”

Kirill threw his arms up over his face as he continued to back away.

“I do it for free, too, you know. Quite a bit. Ocuru may have been a jerk, but he was a great lay. Ramben had a huge cock. Moons, Nori and I have shared a bed more times than I can count. She might even be sweet on me. But you know what I haven’t done?” she sneered.

Kirill’s lyre tangled in his feet and sent him thudding to the ground.

“You,” Daleen finished.

Kirill whimpered in response.

Daleen snorted. “Listen. I’m sorry. But we’re friends. If I wanted to be with you, I would have been. I liked hanging out. I liked listening to you sing. And you needed a friend. You were so sad all the time, and lost. That’s me trying to be there for you, to give you a shoulder to cry on. It wasn’t fucking love. I’m not attracted to you.”

“But, in bed. We curled up. You listened to me. You heard me sing.”

“Listening to you sing is not the same as being in love. Curling up in bed is not the same as fucking. And that’s all you really want, isn’t it?” Daleen concluded with sadness. “You don’t want me. You don’t even know me. Not really. You didn’t even know what I do for a living.”

“You’re a prostitute,” Kirill repeated, his voice quavering with disbelief.

“Look,” Daleen wiped a tear from Kirill’s cheek. “I know this is hard. You want more than you’ve got. Well, good. Good for you. Go get it. If going out into the world and trying to woo the courts of the Eight Kings as the next great bard is what you want to do, great. Go do it.”

She pulled her hand away.

“But my place is here. I like being here. I like doing what I do. Who wouldn’t? The men of Keening aren’t exactly the dregs of Ruinus, are they? They’re farmers. Tradesmen. The Duke’s lazy personal guard. Hell, the Duke. He’s a regular! And surprisingly fun. Nori and I have a standing threesome with him every Starsday.”

Daleen put her hands on her hips.

“Listen, I feel for you,” she repeated. “But I’m not going with you, Kirill. I don’t love you. I’m not attracted to you. And at this point, even if you paid me, and you could pay me, if you wanted, I don’t think I’d let you.”

“I’d never…” Kirill stuttered.

“Never what? Pay me for sex? Sleep with a whore? Expect me to drop my entire life to run off with you on some fantasy quest to become the next Brood Sheenshaker, when you’ve never even played for anybody outside your own bedroom? No offense, Kirill, but I don’t exactly picture you in one of those posters with a lyre over your shoulder and a maiden’s cap in your back pocket. It’s not really your style.”

Kirill went to stand and Daleen held her hand up to stop him.

“But I’ll do anything…” he whimpered.

“Don’t. I’m not your puppet.”

Daleen turned and started back toward the forest edge.

“I’m going back to the party.”

The tree line loomed, a long black horizon delineating a darkened sky. Clouds were moving in, and the scent of witchfire wafted in on the breeze as it grew in strength. Daleen’s pale figure sauntered through the grass toward the forest. Her body twitched haughtily as she left Kirill behind. Kirill glared at her fading figure. Where her fingers had brushed his cheek, the wet of his tears stung like ice against the chill night air. Under his hand, the strings of the lyre dug like blades into Kirill’s palm. He picked it up as he rose to his feet. Daleen was nearly at the tree line. If he was to stop her, this would be his last opportunity. She’d scolded him. Embarassed him. If word got out, even what meager life he did have would be gone. And she would be gone, never again to grace his room and listen to him talk and sing his soft melodies.

No, she would not, he gained his feet and hurried after her.

She would be out, fucking every guy in town. All while pretending she was a nice girl. A nice girl who offered encouragement. Who led Kirill to believe that they were building a life together. A relationship. A love based on mutual understanding. On music and art and feelings and soft touches in the night. How he’d longed for those soft touches. Didn’t she realize how many of his songs revolved around her? No. Of course, she didn’t. He’d never had the courage to sing one to her. Not one of those. Old standards, yes. Ballads, sure. One or two songs about his father. His mother.

But the ones about her? She would never hear them. And she didn’t care.

She’d been with his hero, Brood Sheenshaker, and lied to him about it. She’d made him less of a man than the very men who’d done her wrong and treated her with such disdain. The very same men she burst into tears over while leaning on his shoulder, her body curled up against his, her breasts pressed into his side, her arms around his waist. Her face nuzzled in his neck.

Her face. Flashes of all the things the men (and at least one woman, apparently) had done to that face crashed into his skull. All those cautious glances at her body. All those projected visions of how she looked without her clothes, searing into focus. To know that men, more men than he could probably guess, had been there before him. Touched her. Grabbed her. Pawed at her. Stuck their filthy members inside of her.

And she was smiling

Kirill closed in on Daleen, the lyre reared up behind his head. As Daleen reached the edge of the forest, she turned, a brief glance over her shoulder as Kirill’s boots rustled the grass. Daleen barely had time to open her mouth before the lyre smashed in her face. She thudded to the ground and gasped, a rasping moan that whined and bled. Kirill raised the lyre again and brought it down hard, right between her eyes. Daleen splayed out, her body writhing in involuntary slow motion. Kirill tossed the lyre aside and dropped to his knees. He wrapped his hands around the elf girl’s neck.

“It could have been different,” he sobbed. “We could have been something…”

#

“… put the maiden to bed,” finished the bard. “In the deepest, darkest depths…, a dream, a dream, never again seen.

A trio of rowdy men cheered the bard from across the room, and a pair of working girls clapped politely and returned to the company of their patrons. The waitress leaned in and placed a fresh pint of ale in front of the bard.

“Very well done. Don’t think I’ve heard it sung with such… vigour,” the waitress complimented.

The bard swigged from the fresh ale and shrugged. “It’s got sentimental value.”

“I’m sure it does,” the waitress took the lyre from the bard’s hand and set it aside. She slid into his lap. “Falgo’s letting me out early, if you’ve time.”

The bard leaned back and inspected the barmaid, top to bottom. She was a fair wench, he thought, same age as he, but aged well enough. A little rounder than he’d have preferred in his youth, and a little greyer, but in these tough times, beggars could hardly pick and choose, could they? There was a bounty up top, at least, he thought, staring without couth into the woman’s bosom. Plus, he’d never been with a redhead, even one as faded as this. Keening was one of the few places they could be found, and it had been a very long time since he’d been anywhere near. A very long time.

“I reckon I’ve done my due diligence for the evening,” he replied, and wrapped his arms around her waist. She smiled and picked up his ale, draining it in a single go. The bard’s eyebrows raised, impressed.

“Come,” she led him to the bar, where she leaned over and whispered to the grizzled man behind the counter. He poured two fresh mugs of ale and dropped a small pouch into the barmaid’s hand. She flipped him a pair of coins.

“What’s in the pouch?” the bard asked.

“Tonight’s tips,” she replied, quickly.

“Big pouch for tips,” the bard eyed it suspiciously.

The woman tucked it down the front of her blouse, between her breasts. “It’s none of your concern. You just worry about staying sober enough to get that thing up between your legs.”

The bard chuckled. “What do I owe you?”

The barmaid stopped cold at the top of the stairs. Her eyes closed to slits.

“I’m not a prostitute. Even if I were, this I’d do for free.”

The bard shrugged. “Suppose that’s the way of it, isn’t it? Apologies. My experiences tend to be of the, uh, bartered type.”

“I’m sure.”

She resumed leading him down the hall. At the end, she opened a thin, closet-like door and pulled him through. The room beyond was small, with a thatched bed and a single window only barely large enough to squeeze through. A small wicker dresser and a stool sat in the corner. She set the ales on the dresser and pushed the man onto the bed.

The bard smirked as the barmaid turned around and slowly unlaced the blouse from the front. Her clothes slid to the floor, one by one, until she stood, back to him, plump bottom cocked to one side, beneath a couple of middle-aged rolls, looking surprisingly good. She hesitated for a moment, then turned and drained one of the ales. She held the other out to him.

“Drink up.”

The bard obliged her, downing the majority in a single gulp, his eyes locked on her substantial bosom, and her modesty, over the top of the mug.

“More,” she said, tipping the bottom of the mug up. The bard finished the remaining ale.

She took it from him, set it aside and straddled the man. He reached up enthusiastically and kneaded her naked breasts.

“You’re a handful, love,” he said in admiration.

“Hmm,” she said. “I am at that.”

The bard’s head swam in drink, and he thought to himself for a moment how odd that was, given he’d had but half of his usual night’s swill before the barmaid invited him up.

“Strong ale,” he mumbled as he took her nipple between his lips.

“You sing well, bard. You’re a little clumsy on the tit, though,” she laid his head back on the bed. “I’m sorry, I’m not sure I caught your name.”

“My name?” the bard slurred. This was odd, he thought. He should not be this sodden. Maybe he was getting old.

“Mm-hmm. I didn’t catch it. What was it again?”

“K… Kirill,” the bard murmured, his lips suddenly numb. He tried to move his arms but couldn’t. Panic shuddered through him, as he found himself increasingly immobilized.

The barmaid stood and went to one of the drawers. She held up the pouch on the dresser.

“Sorry, love. Kelvinherb. Means you won’t be moving for a while.”

“Don’t… no… money,” the bard croaked.

The barmaid cast a grin over her shoulder.

“Not about money, love.”

She pulled a long, curved knife from the drawer and returned to the bed. She straddled the bard once more and passed the knife, back and forth, back and forth, between her hands.

“When did you say you were in Keening last?” she asked.

“as… child…” the bard gasped, his tongue no longer his own.

The barmaid smirked.

“Perhaps you remember a friend of mine. Went missing one evening after a party in the woods. Last anyone saw, she was with a young elf, an aspiring bard, or so his mum said. Sound familiar?”

The bard’s eyes grew wide, no longer able to respond.

“No one ever saw her after that night. Folks assumed she’d run off with the elf, disappeared in the night with a new lover. After all, she got around, right?” the barmaid leered.

The bard, as much as he could, shivered internally.

“But see, for those of us that knew her, we knew she’d never run off with some skinny runt and leave all her friends behind. Especially,” she leaned forward, the point of the knife driven up under the bard’s chin. “The ones she loved.”

The barmaid drew the knife down the length of the bard’s tunic, shifting her body back until she sat on his knees. The knife stopped, right between his legs.

“We’ve not properly met, Kirill,” the barmaid pressed the tip of the knife in. The bard’s eyes pleaded with her to stop. She did not. “What I like about Kelvinherb is that it stops you moving, but lets you feel everything.”

She dug the blade in deeper. Spittle dripped out of the side of the bard’s mouth, and tears streamed across his temples.

“We might be a while, Kirill. I suppose I should introduce myself,” the barmaid leaned in. Blood spurted up between Kirill’s legs.

“My name is Nori,” she smiled. “And I’ve been looking for you for a very, very long time.”

In the tavern below, the noise continued unabated.

Target: 1000 words
Written: 2120 words, short story: Forest Edge

Read: Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach
Comics: Pitt 14-17
Music: I Was / I Am, Noah Kahan

starting to wonder

There’s been a recurring theme in my work, mostly because as a plot device, it’s evil, but it’s always the same. I know, I know. It happens the world over, but maybe I’m utilizing it too much.

Men and women have always been a complicated thing, but the reality is that it’s not actually that complicated.

It’s the same as anything, really. Be good to each other, and things will be fine.

Unfortunately, it’s far too easy (especially these days), to be shitty to one another.

And as has always been, no matter the race, creed or culture, women take the worst end of it. It doesn’t matter what you are, if you’re a woman, it’s worse for you.

And that’s bullshit.

I mean, I lucked out, technically; I’m a straight, white male. According to most of what I see these days, I should not be allowed to comment anything on these matters, but Yes, Ma’am. I agree.

While that might sound like complaining, it’s not. I do agree, for the most part. I don’t want to mansplain shit to anyone.

I do want to demonstrate that I understood the lesson.

I’m just starting to wonder about how things seem to go in my stories, if I’ve actually taken the lesson to heart.

It wasn’t part of The Mungk (except for maybe the hints of shrewishness in Diana), but it played a big role in Get Back Again, and in my recently written, but not yet published Western Cradle series, and here it is again, in Forest Edge.

Am I really learning?

Something to think about, going forward.

Target: 1000 words
Written: 343 words, short story: Forest Edge

Read: The Oracle Year, Charles Soule
Comics: Preacher 64-66
Music: I Palindrome I, They Might Be Giants