early risin’

I’m up earlier than I wanted to be, but so is everyone else, which kills my time to meditate and read and put on headphones and plow through a random selection of music on my way to the second coffee of the day.

And I’m thinking about time.

I’m thinking about how frozen I am; how stuck; how the only barrier to me getting what I want and being the thing I want to be is myself and this mental block, this block behind the tires of the trailer that is my mind.

My wheels are spinnin’.

Moving beyond is terrifying; there’s so many bad things going on in the world right now to stop it from ever happening, but I cannot control those. I can only control what I need to do to get what’s in my head out of my head.

It’s getting past that that’s the real trick.

Can I get it done before I die? How does the world find it if I do?

Geez. I guess there really was a theme to all this.

Target: 1000 words
Written: 1273 words, short story: Late Riser

Read: The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho
Comics: Chew 39-41, Chew/Revival 1
Music: Nevermind, Nirvana (in a day of uncertainty and terror, transcendence was necessary)

broke down car

It’s not right, I tell you.

Somewhere along the road, something got broke and it can’t be fixed. The engine keeps failing and no one can figure out why. But instead of replacing the car or the damn engine, we’re stuck with the thing – failing, over and over. Sometimes in the driveway. Sometimes on the freeway. Sometimes on the curve of an icy road.

And no matter the frustration, no matter how often we try to fix the damn thing, it doesn’t get any better.

It gets worse and worse and we know – one day, nothing’s going to start that car again. We’re going to be stuck, wherever we are, in a parking lot or a snowbank or piled up in the wreckage with a dozen other cars enduring the same nightmare, and that’s where we’ll be.

Forever.

Freezing or bleeding or quietly starving to death. We can’t get out and walk. We’re locked in. The car won’t start. We already ate the only granola bar in the glove box and ripped our shirt to tie around the hole in our belly, but we’re still bleeding. Still dying. Still stuck, in motion or standing still, inside this goddamned car, on this goddamned road, that we never wanted to be on in the first place!

We don’t know how we got here. All we remember is getting behind the wheel and the car started moving on its own. It keeps going and going, and every once in a while, there’s a nice place to stop for a cup of tea, or some beautiful body in a car that smiles as we pass, and maybe, if we’re really lucky, a good song on the radio. Something beyond the nightmare newsline or the static rhythm of whatever tired old pablum some generic pop star is regurgitating to the front lines.

Eventually, this car will die, and we won’t know where that is. Will it be in the high country, in Pirsig’s mountains? Or in the desert, those vast plains of dry and dusted skeletons? Maybe in a city, in the run-down parts, where people oppressed by others who know no oppression scrabble for food and shelter and feed themselves on compromise, over and over again, the way we do, when we’re running out of hope. When we’re living hand to mouth and all of a sudden, the goddamn car takes a shit. Again.

This car takes a lot of shits. We take a lot of shit.

Sometimes, all we can do is sit there and cry, glaring at the dashboard with desperation as it flashes its warning lights, pounding on the steering wheel and screaming bloody rage at the insensibility of it all. All the while, the wheel takes us nowhere we didn’t choose to go, in fits and starts, sometimes slow, sometimes beyond any sensible limits.

We could have gone anywhere, if we’d just ignored the directions we were given. Instead, we followed turn after turn, signpost after signpost, going where the arrow pointed, and now we’re here, with everyone else, wondering what the hell went wrong. Wondering why that turn into the green valley looked so pleasing, and why we drove on anyway into the smog and the soot. Why the thing sputters and chokes and makes noises we can’t identify, over miles and miles of busted asphalt and crushed gravel. We wonder why we learn to live with the little imperfections. The tear in the seat where the spring sticks through. The radio that only tunes one channel, poorly. The rearview mirror held up with baling wire and a trunk that won’t quite close. That goddamn muffler.

Yes, someday, this car’s going to die, and nothing will revive it. Someday, this car will cruise or crash to a stop, to its final resting place, its forever home. It’s going to decay and become no more, as will everything around it, up to and including the road itself. A pile of dust it will be, carried on the wind to the desert, mote by obsequious mote, until it’s so far lost, no one would ever know it existed.

That’s where we all go, in the end.

And no hunk of junk is going to stop us.

Target: 1000 words
Written: 152 words, short story: Broke Down Car

Read: Permanent Record, Edward Snowden
Comics: Chew 35-38
Music: Never Trust A Hippy, NOFX (it's true, you know)

since i was eight

That’s when I wrote a short story for the first time, about a caterpillar who’d fallen into a bowl of popcorn and couldn’t get out.

The sides were slick with butter and he had to dodge the hands that descended again and again, to avoid being eaten.

I guess metaphor was an early love, and an accurate one.

Target: 1000 words
Written: 977 words, short story: Broke Down Car

Read: Permanent Record, Edward Snowden
Comics: Chew 31-34
Music: Never Surrender (From Kickboxer), Stan Bush (if this is the best you got, surrender, immediately, because you suck)

purpose

I don’t know what my purpose is; I know I have to write. I have to challenge – myself, the world, whatever.

Devil’s advocate, without a limit on the number of views he’s willing to explore, and the number he’ll excoriate.

Getting through this, doing the work, the canon.

That’s why I’m here. It’s all I care for. I pray I’ve enough time left to do it; I suspect no such favour is forthcoming.

I’ve driven pretty far to realize where I am; I only know this is the thing that screams inside me, and if everyone else could just give it a rest for a moment, that’d be great.

I know what must be done.

Target: 1000 words
Written: 563 words, short story: Broke Down Car

Read: Permanent Record, Edward Snowden
Comics: Chew: Secret Agent Poyo (POYO!) 1, Chew 28-30
Music: Never Saw A Thing Coming, Gregger Botting (a friend of mine - check him out)

feathers falling

We are falling
falling down
falling under
rising up
The wind lifts us
a tempest against a fading storm
We spread our feathers
a wild beating of wings
Against the throngs below
they are not us
they are ages old
They wish a return
We wish a future
And time is on our side
If they haven’t used it all up
They cannot last forever
We have flown so far
We have seen the moon and the stars
We have risen
We will not be dragged low
We spread our feathers
a wild beating of wings
They cannot contain us
We will soar

Target: 1000 words
Written: 108 words, poem: Feathers Falling

Read: Permanent Record, Edward Snowden
Comics: Chew 24-26, 27.2
Music: Never Mind The Bollocks, Here's The Sex Pistols (it's such a shame that Johnny Rotten turned out to be a nazi punk, instead of, you know, the good kind.)

roses and violets

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Hearts are black
And lungs bruised
Legs are weary
Head aches
I’ve gone too far
Before I wake
The road behind
Is trampled waste
Lessons learned
And lost in haste
Roses red
And dipped in black
Falling slowly
Down my back
Burning muscles
Acid lungs
I’ve come to know
My race is run
And if I die before I wake
May someone find
What I meant to make

Target: 1000 words
Written: 80 words, poem: Roses And Violets

Read: Constellation Games, Leonard Richardson
Comics: Chew 13-16
Music: Never Hear The End Of It, Sloan

legacy

I want to leave behind a body of work that people can dig into and enjoy, even if it’s just in the dissection of me as a person.

I’m sure it won’t all be flattering; I’ve behaved terribly at times.

Such is the life of a drunken wannabe punk kid from the small towns of Ontario. You’ll say and do shit to regret later; apologies don’t mean it didn’t happen.

It also doesn’t mean it’s who you ended up.

I don’t know how I’ll end up.

But I’m worried I don’t have the stamina or force of will for the long run.

Please don’t let me end up one of these cozy mystery writers, or some detective or spy novel fuck, churning out the same formulaic CSI bullshit each week.

It’s always the goddamned butler.

I want my legacy to be more complex than that.

More compelling; equally pathetic, mildly horrific, one long cringe punctuated by the occasional, “Okay, he’s growing on me.”

He’s getting better.

Please let me leave it behind.

Target: 1000 words
Written: 326 words, poem: Roses And Violets

Read: Constellation Games, Leonard Richardson
Comics: Chew 9-12
Music: Never Been On MTV, Dead Kennedys

the day after

It’s time now to rest, to refocus and think about the next thing. In the meantime, it’ll be poems and short stories, maybe a comic or four, a new hip ditty and then…

Then.

It may seem relaxing, but I’m desperate to have had something of an impact. I don’t need to be Jesus or Buddha; I’ll take minor pantheon member. But hell, even though I’ve got so many plans, it still feels like my race is run, like the egg timer is about to go off and my goose will be officially cooked.

You know, the usual hair on fire stuff.

So, yeah. Back to work, back to the work. Downtime, with a side of poetry.

Also, selling The Mungk, but hey, every act of creation has its cross to bear.

Target: 1000 words
Written: 81 words, poem: Roses And Violets

Read: Constellation Games, Leonard Richardson
Comics: Chew 5-8
Music: Neutron Star Collision (Love Is Forever), Muse

the mungk

It started off as a riff on a couple of classics, as so many of my things do: the monster under the bed and it was a dark and stormy night…

I can’t seem to help postulating on other ways to see things; it’s a gift and a curse. The need to play devil’s advocate and constantly ask what other ways a thing can be seen is so ingrained in me, it’s just about impossible to keep from indulgence.

The monster under the bed merged with the concept of little things draining the life and verve you’re born with, and grew to encompass loss, abandonment and trauma.

The Mungk is a meditation on the birth of resignation, of fatalism.

Hopelessness, as seen through the guise of a children’s story.

It’s an exploration of how, as we grow, the world reveals itself to be far less well-meaning and static than we presume as children, where parents are gods, friends are forever and it’s one adventure after the other.

I won’t claim to have been abandoned or abused or any of that good stuff. My parents were pretty good. We had our fights, but nothing like what other poor souls have been through. I was disemboweled by a tree when I was eight; it didn’t make me grow up vowing revenge against improperly cut stumps.

(What a shitty superhero that would have been – the Leveller!)

I was more traumatized by the loss of faith; as I’ve said before, if you want to lose your religion, read the Bible. If you’re not out by Leviticus, there’s something wrong with your basic human decency.

The Mungk is trauma on trauma on trauma.

It’s overwhelming, it’s so much bigger than something we can deal with, in a child’s parable.

I’m sorry to unleash this on the world, but well, it’s the thing I’m most proud of, to this point. It’s good.

I think it’s great.

I could be wrong.

That’s the risk a person takes in creating anything. We build, we create, we connect the dots. We put it out into the world and now, it’s something for the jackals. Their noses twitch, their lips pull back from their teeth.

They pounce.

Anyway, the Mungk is born, for better or worse.

Only time will tell if this post is the beginning of something huge, or just another whisper in a storm.

Target: 1000 words
Written: 1618 words, novella: The Mungk

Read: Mindset: The New Psychology Of Success, Carol Dweck
Comics: Chew 1-4
Music: Neutral Milk Hotel Essentials, Neutral Milk Hotel

the mungk – playlist

I like to do a playlist for anything I write. I don’t set it up before I start writing; what happens is that random songs or albums play, and things grow organically from that.

Sometimes, as you’re writing or editing, a song will come on that perfectly matches the tone and feel of what you’re working on, and so, becomes inseparable. Probably half of the songs on this list came that way.

Other times, it’s more intellectual; I need a certain theme or mood, so we search through the piles until I find something that fits. See, all the shadow and nightmare songs.

Sometimes, it’s filler, because a song didn’t fit the theme, so you get “clever” and try and find something to wedge in there (see Helpless Dancer, which I thought spoke a bit to the theme of pointlessness and running us down over a lifetime of traumas, mini-traumas and unfairness.)

Anyway, in the end, I get something that helps me really feel the book, feel the story. I will never hear Skyscraper again without thinking about pulling up to the little country house, nor will I not think of Alice whenever Run comes over my headphones or speakers.

Enjoy. It’ll make more sense when the book comes out.

The House In The Country: Julian Plenti – Skyscraper
The First Appearance Of The Mungk: Alice Cooper – Welcome To My Nightmare
We’ll Get You A Nightlight: The Who – Helpless Dancer
What Does That Mungk Do?: Nirvana – Drain You
Cracks: L7 – Crackpot Baby
The Doctor: Snow Patrol – Run
Goodbye, Alice: Violent Femmes – I Know It’s True, But I’m Sorry To Say
Alice Aftermath: Billy Talent – Living In The Shadows
The Fight: INXS – Never Tear Us Apart
Bumps In The Night: The Rolling Stones – Have You Seen Your Mother, Baby, Standing In The Shadow?
The Power Goes Out: The Tragically Hip – Frozen In My Tracks
The Storm: Bruce Springsteen – My Father’s House
The Aftermath: Beck – Morning

Target: 1000 words
Written: 216 words, novella: The Mungk

Read: Mindset (do I have to write it all out?  Be the growth mindset, kids), Dweck, Carol
Comics: The Boys: Dear Becky 7-8
Music: Nervous & Weird, Everclear (words to describe oneself by)