regress

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There’s always the chance of regression. One gets too lost in one’s regrets or some wrong that’s been done to us (more often than not either petty or legitimately wrong, but no longer truly a factor in our lives, save us making it one), and boom, suddenly, you’re that insecure, angry, neurotic, obnoxious loser all over again.

We work so hard to move on, only to be anchored in cement by the shame of our past.

No matter how we try to move forward as a society or individuals, there’s always someone who wants us back where we started, in to the familiar, the old, the no-longer-the-best-way, because they fear change or the thought of improvement.

Then, there’s the others of us, so desperate to get away from the old, to rocket ourselves into the future, that we forget sometimes – things may work the old way; I doubt a single person in this world feels more present or happier with our hectic, crazy making technology – there’s something to be said for being disconnected, lost to time on the edge of a lake with a bonfire and some friends. Present, instead of captured on a screen.

Wherever we are, we want to be somewhere else.

Target: 200 words
Written: 323 words, short story: Get Back Again

Read: Start With Why, Simon Sinek
Comics: The Legacy Of Luther Strode 5-6 (what a series.  "Do better."  I feel that in my gut.)
Music: Year Zero, Nine Inch Nails (the real deal now), Years May Come, Years May Go, Irish Rovers

frustration

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I don’t know what it is about today, but focus is not my friend. Everything seems off, except the music this morning. Like I’m out of phase with reality.

Fogged up.

I hate this feeling, because it brings out that angry, sad, spoiled brat that couldn’t hack it and hates everything about life, and thinks the universe is out to get him.

Depression can be a real bitch, and it doesn’t always show itself in tears or an unwillingness to get out of bed.

Mine’s often seething anger, obsessive distraction or simply laying on the floor unable or unwilling to move.

I like that part.

It’s relaxing, even if it is just an accumulation of anxious memories from the past.

Oh, and cool. Just noticed. Hives.

The good news is I’m a pacifist and know everything returns to the Tao.

The bad news is the frustration of life’s constant little fuck-yous never seems to truly go away.

Spend too much time looking at your past and it seeps into you. It becomes you.

I think I need to sever.

Target: 200 words
Written: 264 words, short story: Get Back Again

Read: Start With Why, Simon Sinek
Comics: The Legacy Of Luther Strode 1-4
Music: Year Of The Crow, State Radio (easily one of the most underrated bands I've ever heard.  I could listen to this album on repeat for days)

christmas parties after the fact

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Last night, it was time for my yearly dose of post traumatic stress. My wife and daughter still work at the place that nearly put me under, and so, once a year, we trudge out to their Christmas party, always held after Christmas, because the owners are cheap.

Every year, it is the same; there’s a sense of tension, a fear of being pulled back in, a desire to get the fuck away. It’s so synchronous with the short story I’m working on (based on a Tragically Hip song called Get Back Again), about being unable to get past the past, and unable to let things go, that I couldn’t help but laugh (and consider weeping).

I can’t wait until they are retired or have new jobs, so I never have to think about that fucking place again.

I never want to get back anywhere near it.

Target: 200 words
Written: 300 words, short story: Get Back Again

Read: The Power Of Less, Leo Babauta
Comics: The Legend Of Luther Strode 3-6
Music: Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, Wilco

ideas

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The news has been so dominated by the left/right divide for so long (at least since Clinton/Starr, but it became hyperactive and all-consuming with Trump) that it’s hard to separate any art from it.

Want to write a cutesy murder mystery? It almost feels dishonest if you don’t make the villain a right wing nut.

Cozy romance? Too innocent for a world bordering on implosion.

Sci-fi? You better make those future times corrupt as fuck.

Fantasy? Well, everyone’s awful and the only good people are those that actually care about others (and they inevitably get killed, don’t they, George R.R. Martin? Finish the series, man!)

Even a short story about a ghost stalking a woman feels like the ghost should be about a January 6 insurrectionist.

Which is where I am now. Great. Fuck you, Trump. Not everything needs to be fraught with social collapse.

Target: 200 words
Written: 358 words, short story: Get Back Again

Read: The Power Of Less, Leo Babauta
Comics: The Strange Talent Of Luther Strode 5-6, The Legend Of Luther Strode 1-2
Music: Y34RZ3R0R3M1X3D, Nine Inch Nails (why must every remix album include one mix that is just complete garbage, but for some reason, goes on for 12-14 minutes?  Does the creator just start with a beat and sit staring at his setup, completely unable to decide what to do next, before going fuck it and turning in a quarter of an hour's worth of pure shit?)

pas(t)sed

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I don’t like to think about the past. The past has some fun memories, but mostly those only come up with friends (which rarely happens anymore) and usually revolves around someone (as often me as anyone) doing something very stupid.

I admit to missing those days; when memories of fun, dumb things weren’t things to recall, but things actively happening.

I also remember doing things without thought; most of those memories are rife with shame.

Indeed, a look back on the life I’ve had is to see one filled with waste and regret, myopic, self-deceptive and toxic behaviour, stupid decision after stupid decision justified by the flimsiest of ego-driven excuses.

Some would tell me to focus on the positives of the past – the friends, the adventures, the good times. It’s not terrible advice, but I’ve always been poor at connecting and when I was young, I was so delusional with insecurity (and hiding insecurity) that almost everything I did was fraught.

Some would tell me to forget it; I’ve learned from it. Time to move on with new lessons.

This has more value; what’s done is done. The only thing left is to learn.

Still, the sheer embarrassment of it all, the shame of my own stupidity…

These aren’t the things we laugh about. They’re the things we want to leave in the dust, but remain tied to us like anchors in the ground.

Target: 200 words
Written, 666 words, short story: Get Back Again

Read: 5 Steps To Controlling High Blood Pressure, Mayo Clinic
Comics: The Strange Talent Of Luther Strode 1-4
Music: A Quick One Box Set, The Who (yeah.  Not a gem.  A couple of okay songs, but yeah.  Not their finest.  Barely listenable.)

romance #1

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Everyone has a first. This is my first. Goofy, absurdist comedy with little point or depth, only there is a point, there is depth, only no point, but interpretation of a point and Jesus, I’ve been listening to too much Night Vale.

All hail.

Target: 200 words
Written: 792 words, comic: Romance #1

Read: 5 Steps To Controlling High Blood Pressure, Mayo Clinic (not be confused with the Mustard Wellness Centre)
Comics: Mind The Gap 17 (damn it, McCann, give us the rest of the story!  I'm hooked.  I have questions!  Questions that demand answers, damn it!  Once more with feeling!)
Music: Question The Answers, Mighty Mighty Bosstones (that's fucking soulmusic right there - spaceless intended)

one man’s war

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Is another person’s bowl of Corn Flakes he doesn’t even realize he’s eating.

I started writing Romance as a one-shot goof-off. Now, I realize it’s a one-shot goof-off as metaphor for how doing something in one person’s life can feel like fighting World War 3, while in another’s, it’s something they do by rote and forget they even did seconds later.

One man’s Everest is another man’s small puddle.

Probably why so many “nice” guys feel so entitled; the mental and emotional struggle, the days of build-up, the pining, the obsessing, the fantasies, the creation of a mythos around a particular girl that has no bearing in reality to who she is, what she’s done or what her motivations are… when it doesn’t work out, it’s devastating.

From the other side, the woman might be aware of the guy’s infatuation, she might not be. It might be an irritation to her or something that goes completely unnoticed because, you know, she has her own life and it’s not up to her to play the role of trophy for some dude. Unless she’s specifically using him for free shit or whatever, there’s no blame on the person for this (and I’ve known women like that – one in particular who knew damn well who had the hots for her and turned it to her advantage for all kinds of free stuff).

Ultimately, it’s up to the dude to reconcile fantasy and reality; to control his mind so that he doesn’t put so much stock in something that likely isn’t attainable, or at the very least, won’t be what he thought it was. The onus isn’t on the woman. Even the user, taking advantage as she was – it was the boys that had the power, really.

They just had to decide she wasn’t such a big deal, that there were other opportunities, other women, ones more likely to be interested and to be compatible. You know, someone that actually wants to be with you and treats you well, and who you want to be with and treat well in return.

They exist.

They’re just not that one.

Target: 200 words
Written: 3756 words, comic: Romance #1

Read: 5 Steps To Controlling High Blood Pressure, Mayo Clinic
Comics: Mind The Gap 13-16
Music: Quake, Nine Inch Nails (why??)

disappointment

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Life’s full of them.

See what I did there?

Target: 200 words
Written: 2190 words, comic: Romance #1

Read: Get It Done When You're Depressed, Julie Fast
Comics: Mind The Gap 9-12
Music: Quadrophenia (Soundtrack), The Who ("is it me, for a moment?")

for a moment…

for a moment…

for a moment…

absurdity

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I love the absurd. More specifically, I love absurd that knows it’s absurd and leans into it. I don’t like weird for weird; people being weird but taking themselves seriously over it.

But absurd and knowing it? Not caring and laughing along? Leaning into it?

It’s why movies like Evil Dead 2 and Army Of Darkness were so brilliant. It’s why once Legends Of Tomorrow realized how ridiculous they were, the show got infinitely better, contributing one of the single best season finales I’ve seen on any show ever. Beebo, anyone?

It’s why Airplane, The Naked Gun and Major League were instant classics. It’s why Monty Python works. It’s the basis for Seinfeld and Community.

To embrace the absurd is to embrace ourselves, our foibles, our fuck-ups, our downright stupidity. It’s to understand the utter ridiculousness of the human mind and human condition and find a way to laugh along with it. Humanity is exposed by comedy; our self-importance is flayed by absurdity.

There is no one more at peace than the one who is not only perfectly comfortable being absurd, but perfectly aware of how absurd they are.

Target: 200 words
Written: 389 words, comic: Romance #1

Read: Get It Done When You're Depressed, Julie Fast
Comics: Mind The Gap 5-8
Music: Quadrophenia, Discs 1 and 2, The Who

romance is nice though, right?

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And funny? I’m not sure romance can exist without laughter. If your romance doesn’t involve a lot of giggling and/or full out hysterics at times, well, it’s too serious.

Life’s too short to be serious. Love is fun and playful, as well as committed and supportive, protective and helpful. All in, as they say.

Laughter is often about ourselves; it’s about growth, about forgiveness, about letting go of worry and enjoying the absurd. Life’s a torrent of insanity, to have someone to laugh through it with (and cry with, as necessary), that’s a blessing.

Target: 100 words
Written: 250 words, comic: Romance #1

Read: Get It Done When You're Depressed, Julie Fast (because, duh)
Comics: Mind The Gap 1-4
Music: Zooropa, U2