Category: health

end me, week

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I don’t think I’ve felt this down in a while. I feel like everything is collapsing, and my usual techniques are not up to par.

I am working on it.

Part of me wants to burn it all down and start over (a-fucking-gain), but I’ve come too far and have too little time left to begin again.

At this point, it’s finish the chore of living or give the whole thing up.

I’m not sure what’s worse – trying constantly to make it and failing, or not bothering with it at all.

At least I’d have more free time if I gave up, more time for my family.

But this is the driver; I feel like walking death when I don’t let it out.

Let it fucking out, or let them fucking in. I don’t know which one is worse.

Target: 1200 words
Written: 1084 words, novel: Bad Neighbours

Read: Thieves' World, Assorted Authors
Comics: Fathom: Kiani 4, Fathom v3 0-1, Aspen Showcase: Aspen Matthews 1
Music: It All Seems So Silly In The Long Run, Sublime (doesn't it, though?)

jack and shit

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That’s what I got today. Crippling stomach cramps too.

And Jack left town.

Target: 1200 words
Written: 1066 words, novel: Bad Neighbours

Read: Thieves' World, Assorted Authors
Comics: Fathom: Kiani 1-3, Fathom: Killian's Vessel 1
Music: It, Pulp (fuck)

game three

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I am all a-tingle. Actually, I think that’s the chest pain from my giving up on No-Mow-May because thigh high grass is really, really, fucking hard to get through.

It’s time for a break, and then, high blood pressure brought on by the stress of watching hockey playoffs.

And a beer. A nice, cold Kolsch.

Target: 1200 words
Written: 1116 words, novel: Bad Neighbours

Read: The Gilded Age: A Tale Of Today, Twain/Warner (who knew the Gilded Age lasted so goddamned long?)
Comics: Fathom 5-8
Music: Into The Wild, Eddie Vedder (I could listen to this version of Big Hard Sun all day)

i know, i know

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I promised a parking lot story and a good old fashioned Karen, but it’s been a very long day, my back is killing me and I’m in the middle of what I’m hoping is the last game of the Toronto-Ottawa series.

It better fucking be.

Target: 1200 words
Written: 1289 words, novel: Bad Neighbours

Read: Veniss Underground, Jeff Vandermeer
Comics: Hawk And Dove v2 17-19, Hawk And Dove Annual 1
Music: Intergalactic, Beastie Boys

praying

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I don’t believe in God, and the fact that Trump got back in and there’s still a significant portion of the population that supports him has me questioning humanity, but it’s election day, and I can only ask the universe to do something just for once, instead of just repeatedly indicating we’re actually in hell, but it’s not fire and brimstone, it’s just a slow descent into hopelessness, where every avenue gets blocked, every bit of optimism or glimmer of encouragement is choked off, until we all just say, fuck it, it’s too much, and write monstrous run-on sentences on our blogs before giving up completely and laying down to await the crush of our bodies beneath the tanks of bigotry, hatred and greed.

As you can tell, I’m having a good day, fighting my brain and trying to hold on to some slender sliver of hope, even as I jump to conclusions about the inevitable.

Sorry. I’m a real bummer, and I’m tired of the fight.

Target: 1200 words
Written: 739 words, novel: Bad Neighbours

Read: Look Homeward, Angel, Thomas Wolfe (the bleakness of this, admittedly very well written book is not helping)
Comics: Hawk And Dove v2 5-8 (even here, the spectre of right versus left, liberal vs con, looms large)
Music: Instrument Soundtrack, Fugazi

the return

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There’s a long day of flying coming, but at least I learned something on this trip.

I am out of fucking shape.

Target: 1100 words
Written: 1058 words, novel: Bad Neighbours

Read: Melusine, Sarah Monette (god, I wanted to like this, so much possibility, but so many loose ends and too many anachronisms - like it just needed to go back in the oven for a bit to be truly cooked through)
Comics: Hit-Girl 5, Kick-Ass v2 1-3
Music: In Rainbows, Radiohead

off the rails

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It’s amazing how quickly one can go from totally caught up to completely off the rails.

I expected it when we go away next week for twelve days, but fuck.

The last three days have been a nightmare of busy with “not-my-own-shit” and everything went straight off the rails.

Why can’t people just leave me fucking be for once?

Target: 1100 words
Written: 1032 words, novel: Bad Neighbours

Read: Digital Fortress, Dan Brown
Comics: Cyber Force 31, Devil's Reign 0.5, 5-6
Music: If All Goes Wrong, Smashing Pumpkins (wow, just... wow. A handful of decent songs and some good points regarding the nature of artistic evolution and fandom, but the egos involved... just. Wow.)

morning clinic

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Well, since my doctor retired and Doug Ford fucked up the healthcare system and it’s a goddamn three year wait for a new one, I guess it’s off to the clinic for a renewal of all my drugs.

Wonderful.

Fucking. Wonderful.

What a waste of a Saturday morning.

Eat shit, Dougie.

Target: 1100 words
Written: 92 words, novel: Bad Neighbours

Read: Miss Peregrine's Home For Peculiar Children
Comics: Cyber Force v2 24-25, Ripclaw v2 6, Cyber Force Annual 2
Music: Icky Thump, White Stripes (had to get the taste of A Moment In Time out of my mouth)

heart tests

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I feel like I’m going through one right now.

And I literally went through one this morning.

I am trying not to give up, but damn. It’s so hard.

I can’t even bring myself to submit anywhere. Even though every single thing I’ve ever written has been accepted and published somewhere, since I first decided to start sending them out (minus comics – I don’t have an artist to work with and the one with whom I’ve considered working in the past – whose style is ideal for Romance #1, is entirely unreliable), I can’t bring myself to do it.

I worry.

Get Back Again was banned for, you know, being told from the bad guy’s point of view, and since that view was super misogynist, it was considered ban-worthy. Like, have these people ever read fiction?

Good fiction doesn’t insist all their villains act like good people.

It’s kind of the whole point.

Anyway, fuck it.

Who wants some?

Target: 1100 words
Written: 1050 words, novel: Bad Neighbours

Read: Kitchen Confidential, Anthony Bourdain
Comics: Cyber Force v2 16, Cyber Force Origins 3, Ballistic 3, Velocity 1
Music: I Should Coco, Supergrass

the return

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Fun weekend. Maple farm, sugar shack, Mexican food.

Diarrhea.

Shit.

Target: 1100 words
Written: 165 words, novel: Bad Neighbours

Read: Trust Me, I'm Lying, Ryan Holiday
Comics: Cyber Force v2 7-8, Codename Strykeforce 7-8
Music: I Fought The Law, Green Day