This doctor thing has me spiralling. I don’t really want to get into it, but for some reason, I’m out of control depressed.
Fuck.
I hate this point.
It always makes me want to give up, begin again, or maybe not even bother with the second half.
Fuck.
Target: 1200 words
Written: 1250 words, novel: Bad Neighbours
Read: Pawn's Dream, Eric Nylund
Comics: Fathom v4 0-1, Fathom: Blue Descent 2-3
Music: The Empire Strikes First, Bad Religion (angry music sometimes helps)Yeah, right. I’ve been having pretty severe cramps every morning (and every once in a while we’re walking the dogs) for a couple of weeks now, so I figured it was time to see a doctor.
This “doctor”, who seemed far more interested in chatting up nurses than helping, does the laziest ultrasound ever, not even actually going over the sections that hurt the most, and then says, it’s gas. Take an extra acid reflux pill each day.
Fuck my life.
Why is it that someone like me, who spends so much time trying to be independent and so much time trying to make sure he’s there and doing the right things for others (and often failing), when he needs help, when he actually, finally, asks for help, the response is always from someone who couldn’t care less?
I’m so tired of being in the minority.
I’m so tired of being one of the few who actually wants to do right by others, even as I do wrong by myself.
And if you didn’t think I was an egotistical narcissist before and are thinking, well, duh, it’s your attitude bro, well, here’s your fucking moment.
My moment is doubled over with cramps.
If I die, I’m going total poltergeist on that doctor.
Target: 1200 words
Written: 1200 words, novel: Bad Neighbours
Read: Pawn's Dream, Eric Nylund
Comics: Fathom v3 9-10, Fathom: Blue Descent 0-1
Music: Emotional Rescue, The Rolling StonesHow do entire days get stolen from one? I went to the clinic yesterday morning regarding stomach cramps I’ve had for a couple of weeks, but naturally, they had no power, so they were closed.
Fuck me, I guess.
That should have gained me a few hours of my life back, but somehow, even with the girls working until four o’clock, that meant I was forced into a number of chores I’d been hoping to avoid for a while.
So, here we are, having lost a whole weekend of good writing and reading and generally, time alone, to fucking crap that doesn’t really matter.
I like a nice lawn as well, but who really gives a shit?
Let the bees and the birds have it, and let them reclaim this world.
Target: 1200 words
Written: 1097 words, novel: Bad Neighbours
Read: Thieves' World, Asprin/Abby/Anderson/Haldeman/Offutt/Bradley/Brunner/DeWees (what an accomplishment this is, an anthology in a shared world where, for the most part, things actually flow together fairly well, though Cappen Varra and Jamie the Red are a bit off, and Marion Zimmer Bradley's offering is disturbing given her personal life.)
Comics: Fathom v3 6-8, Aspen Seasons 4
Music: The Eminem Show, EminemI don’t think I’ve felt this down in a while. I feel like everything is collapsing, and my usual techniques are not up to par.
I am working on it.
Part of me wants to burn it all down and start over (a-fucking-gain), but I’ve come too far and have too little time left to begin again.
At this point, it’s finish the chore of living or give the whole thing up.
I’m not sure what’s worse – trying constantly to make it and failing, or not bothering with it at all.
At least I’d have more free time if I gave up, more time for my family.
But this is the driver; I feel like walking death when I don’t let it out.
Let it fucking out, or let them fucking in. I don’t know which one is worse.
Target: 1200 words
Written: 1084 words, novel: Bad Neighbours
Read: Thieves' World, Assorted Authors
Comics: Fathom: Kiani 4, Fathom v3 0-1, Aspen Showcase: Aspen Matthews 1
Music: Emigre, Anti-FlagThat’s what I got today. Crippling stomach cramps too.
And Jack left town.
Target: 1200 words
Written: 1066 words, novel: Bad Neighbours
Read: Thieves' World, Assorted Authors
Comics: Fathom: Kiani 1-3, Fathom: Killian's Vessel 1
Music: Elvis Presley Essentials, Elvis Presley (can't go wrong with the king)I am all a-tingle. Actually, I think that’s the chest pain from my giving up on No-Mow-May because thigh high grass is really, really, fucking hard to get through.
It’s time for a break, and then, high blood pressure brought on by the stress of watching hockey playoffs.
And a beer. A nice, cold Kolsch.
Target: 1200 words
Written: 1116 words, novel: Bad Neighbours
Read: The Gilded Age: A Tale Of Today, Twain/Warner (who knew the Gilded Age lasted so goddamned long?)
Comics: Fathom 5-8
Music: Either/Or, Elliott SmithI promised a parking lot story and a good old fashioned Karen, but it’s been a very long day, my back is killing me and I’m in the middle of what I’m hoping is the last game of the Toronto-Ottawa series.
It better fucking be.
Target: 1200 words
Written: 1289 words, novel: Bad Neighbours
Read: Veniss Underground, Jeff Vandermeer
Comics: Hawk And Dove v2 17-19, Hawk And Dove Annual 1
Music: Echoes - The Best Of Pink Floyd, Pink Floyd (no shit, for real)I don’t believe in God, and the fact that Trump got back in and there’s still a significant portion of the population that supports him has me questioning humanity, but it’s election day, and I can only ask the universe to do something just for once, instead of just repeatedly indicating we’re actually in hell, but it’s not fire and brimstone, it’s just a slow descent into hopelessness, where every avenue gets blocked, every bit of optimism or glimmer of encouragement is choked off, until we all just say, fuck it, it’s too much, and write monstrous run-on sentences on our blogs before giving up completely and laying down to await the crush of our bodies beneath the tanks of bigotry, hatred and greed.
As you can tell, I’m having a good day, fighting my brain and trying to hold on to some slender sliver of hope, even as I jump to conclusions about the inevitable.
Sorry. I’m a real bummer, and I’m tired of the fight.
Target: 1200 words
Written: 739 words, novel: Bad Neighbours
Read: Look Homeward, Angel, Thomas Wolfe (the bleakness of this, admittedly very well written book is not helping)
Comics: Hawk And Dove v2 5-8 (even here, the spectre of right versus left, liberal vs con, looms large)
Music: Echo & The Bunnymen, Echo & The BunnymenThere’s a long day of flying coming, but at least I learned something on this trip.
I am out of fucking shape.
Target: 1100 words
Written: 1058 words, novel: Bad Neighbours
Read: Melusine, Sarah Monette (god, I wanted to like this, so much possibility, but so many loose ends and too many anachronisms - like it just needed to go back in the oven for a bit to be truly cooked through)
Comics: Hit-Girl 5, Kick-Ass v2 1-3
Music: Itch, RadioheadIt’s amazing how quickly one can go from totally caught up to completely off the rails.
I expected it when we go away next week for twelve days, but fuck.
The last three days have been a nightmare of busy with “not-my-own-shit” and everything went straight off the rails.
Why can’t people just leave me fucking be for once?
Target: 1100 words
Written: 1032 words, novel: Bad Neighbours
Read: Digital Fortress, Dan Brown
Comics: Cyber Force 31, Devil's Reign 0.5, 5-6
Music: Interview Thing, Lisbon, Beastie Boys